Ladies and gentleman, sometimes you fall into a bad situation for the stupidest of reasons. You play a game you love, and suddenly you're a player in political games. Figuratively. I'm an athlete they watch while they make deals in the background. I'm also a social face of the game. All this pressure for a small streamer. And we're dealing with countries that have social credit systems.
China has a literal social credit system. America has the Court of Public Opinion. Like many countries. It's the same thing, except the government gives you a number. A civilian of the public just punches you in the mouth.
Now I one day decided to make a terrible decision. I wanted to be a main character. So what did I do? I stepped into the arena of what I call Ping Pong Politics. During a tumultuous time in two countries' politics, I wanted to be a figurative main character.
Quick history lesson. Nixon did Ping Pong Politics. It's doing Politics while top athletes of your country and another country do a game together. It's to show people can game together despite cultural differences. Here on Ninja Bladestorm, we all agree being a sexy martial artist is rad and we want to be the best virtual martial artist. All while being Ping Pong Political Athletes.
I ended up as somebody to bet money on in the criminal world. As per usual, what I call the Light side hates me. Criminals hate and love me. Literally, it's a love-hate relationship. Cause I'm a weirdo to them. But also I'm funny, slightly entertaining, and I win a lot. But not too much. Just enough to bet money on while still making a racket. And sometimes I win against the real Dark Horses. Which is a conundrum. Cause the best players are the worst people to bet on. Their betting payouts are low cause they're likely to win. I'm unlikely to win but still high caliber. I'm a lottery ticket figuratively, especially cause again, I beat top players sometimes.
Now my life like this began as a average nerd with a love for martial arts. That was my only talent besides being funny when I rant about stupid shit. And I'm decent at writing stories but I never got popular so it barely counts as a talent.
However, with martial arts, I've had mild fame. I've legit been talented enough during fights where my street fights got popular on people's twitter accounts and shit. It's enough to be a problem. Especially cause China likes me a bit cause of it. America too, but America and I don't get along. Neither do me and China to a major extent. I legit am a Black Sheep to my country, China, and like, every Republican country ever. Republican by American standards, by the way.
This is cause I'm a bisexual gamer that would rather sit around gaming and smoke weed rather than have a job. That's enough to be antithesis to society. All of right winged society. To the left wing society, I'm an average citizen.
I am known online as Jacob Hemlock. This was the beginning of my career on Ninja Bladestorm. A melee battle royale. Where you're hot asian martial artists. Pretty sweet huh? Turns out the game is fucking Ping Pong Politics. Now picture this. I'm in the minor leagues of Ninja Bladestorm. Just minding my business. When somebody calls out a criminal through a specific hack. It goes like this. I'm talking through the mic. There is a guy in chat talking to me.
Deepthroat: The guy you're fighting is a thief
Me: Uh, how do you know that?
Deepthroat: I just know. It's the hack he's going through. He can't pick up loot cause he's a thief.
Me: I see. Not sure how to feel about that, but alright.
Deepthroat: You should be scared. We can expose you if we feel like it too.
Me: How so? I'm innocent.
Deepthroat: Your hacks expose you're violent. But that's fine. It's bearable for humanity. As you say, we're all a bit violent after all. In our own ways.
Me: I'm more confused by you saying there are more than one way to be violent than you saying you know too much. Are you with the government?
Deepthroat: Something far worse. I'm one of many. A Journalist of Justice.
Me: Are you a youtuber like that guy turkey sam? A drama tuber?
Deepthroat: I'm a data broker. And a streamer.
Me: Motherfucker, and people say I should be banned from streaming.
Deepthroat: Don't even try it. I'll get you banned first.
Me: I hate blackmail. It's such a dumb strategy to deal with.
Deepthroat: This will be a damning conversation. How do you deal with blackmailers, Jacob Hemlock?
I sigh sadly, agreeing this will be a damning moment. And I admit my strategy.
Me: I'd fight you at most. I feel like dealing with a blackmailer is bullshit. You can release the bullshit files you got on me. And I can't stop ya unless I kill you before you do. And that's if you don't just do hacker bullshit to auto-release the files. Such as setting the files on a delayed release.
Deepthroat: A violent competitor. But at least you're honest. You can fit in a bit. Just learn to be civilized. You're honest to the point you're tribal.
I rolled my eyes and kept gaming. The next instant created a terrible scenario I knew would have consequences eventually.
Now this is going to sound conspiracy as fuck, to the point of you thinking I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. But based on how bullshit my life is when the government is involved, it's true.
I am a pre-approved celebrity to the point it's anime bullshit. I have Ambassador class. It means they predicted me so hard to interact with civilians outside of America and be a celebrity they can trust to an extent. Literally, from birth to adulthood to literally the second I wipe my ass.
This was purely done to make sure politics flows smoothly when I'm alive and well. Cause I am an intoxicating celebrity. I am a celebrity that can create a Cult of Personality. My charisma is legit that terrifying. Especially when I have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I am what the Oracle called a Aphrodite Streamer. Two things, One. The Oracle is the people and/or person who predicted my whole life. Second, being an Aphrodite Streamer means I stream my best and have immaculate vibes when I'm in love. It is also when the most bullshit happens.
On a regular level, it's when I'm at my most motivated. I am legit motivated the hardest by being loved. To the point of violent madness sometimes. Because a Family Man has to protect his girl. And God Damn It, this kid Jacob Hemlock goes psycho when a loved one is involved. Be it his woman, or some other relative. If they're lucky…
On a celebrity level, the Oracle claims my Karmic Retribution I get as a Celebrity is at it's most bullshit when I am in love, and at least have someone that is wife quality. This basically means my influence is at it's peak when I have a girlfriend or boyfriend that is husband/wife quality. To the point I can get away with beating a celebrity's ass if they were gonna fuck with my girlfriend.
My karmic powers as a celebrity would be so bullshit I could get away with beating up Martha Cubert if she was blackmailing my significant other. Especially if it happened during a livestream.
This is both for good and for ill. Because the first form of attack on my figurative or literal lives will be simple and obvious: they're gonna make my significant other break up with me. Once I'm single, it will be much easier to do stuff like stab me.
Now for most of this story, I don't have an official boyfriend. But weird shit happens that I deal with because well, a love matcher claims they had a boyfriend set up for me. All I had to do was answer questions honestly. All of them. On livestreams. And eventually I'd get a boyfriend. Well, now I have one. So something happened. Plus society likes me a bit more so that's nice. It's currently apathetic towards me with a tinge of friendliness which is nice.
But for this story, I'm single. Fighting for my story and a future girlfriend or boyfriend. I hate to say it for my trans man boyfriend, but I kept yelling 'future girlfriend' during this story. They'll hate to hear it, but it's true. I still think it's cute I fought this hard for quote, "the next girl". Though now it's the next man. Life goes on happily either way.
Now let's review the beginning of the Questionnaire. Cause it began in a strange, magical way that will make you question if any of this is real. Even myself. But well, my life is that fucking r!@#$%%^, not yours. So just enjoy the ride bro, and just loosely believe the facts. Half the time during the magic, I'm drugged anyway. So if it's magic, I could be drugged. But honestly, I'm convinced that technology the governments have is to the point it's magic.
Now lemme show you how the conversation roughly went. Here's me in my silver league run on Naraka, breaking through it with easewhen suddenly a Quizzler in my chat shows up.
The_Riddler69420: Hello there streamer! I've heard you complain you need someone to stimulate you while you stream! Allow me to quiz you while you stream!
Me: Thank god, I'm no-lifing this game, I could use some stimulation.
As I do this questionnaire, I am stoically defeating bunches of online players with ease at this Ninja Bladestorm game. I am this good, they are garbage. I don't feel stimulated until gold league by the way, spoiler alert. That's when top players start showing up.
Deepthroat: So what's your favorite type of woman physically?
Me: Physically? Probably just people with pornstar bodies.
Deepthroat: Social credit deducted. That's unrealistic.
Me: Yeah, but it's hot. And you asked for honesty.
Deepthroat: Anyway, next question. What do you want in a woman the most?
Me: To be able to talk to them a lot. I don't even fall in love unless we talk well.
Deepthroat: We love that. Points added.
Me: Based.
Deepthroat: Now reveal a meta truth about the game.
Me: Uh sure, longswords are the best weapon in the game.
Deepthroat: Thank you. Keep playing for now. A true challenger approaches. Prove you're adequate and you may stick around.
Me: Sure, alright. Is it a top player?
Deepthroat: Yes.
Me: Based. I love that.
I walk across the beautiful landscape of this Chinese Martial Arts, observing the area to both take in the beauty of the land. And to find our enemy before he finds us.
I spot him zipping towards me using the grappling hook and landscape such as trees and boulders. They wear a gorgeous cosmetic on a beautiful woman with hair bunched up over their head. A light blue and pink dress that shows plenty of skin.
Meanwhile, I am also a woman. I play a Villain. A Matron of some cult. Her name is Kobra Du. She's powerful but balanced. She has a magic blast that acts as a shotgun to the face. And a good ultimate that stuns enemies so I can combo them to death. I'm wearing a black and gold jacket and pants that are in a modern style to an extent. It's because of an event in the game that made some modern clothes inspired by Bruce Lee.
I wield a katana and a greatsword. Along with a rifle. This opponent has a sword of some type. We will see what style it is soon. There are multiple swordplay styles in this game tied to a weapon class. Such as longsword and heng sword.
I have 2nd tier blue armor on. I equip my rifle and fire a shot. I curse as I see his armor bar is purple. He has third tier armor on.
We meet in the middle of the open field and clash! We briefly smack blades together, then our characters take a brief step back. A needle's worth of damage on both of us from the clash.
I switch to Throwing Daggers and aim one at his foot. He doesn't look down, and so it strikes! It's a videogame, so nothing special happens besides damage. But it takes a fourth of his armor off.
He switches to a polearm and charges his strong attack. I throw two throwing daggers while he charges and begin to run afterwards.
Bad move. He had a unique powerup. He got a horse suddenly and charged into me while wildly swinging the polearm. The horse ran me over and I lost half my armor.
I get up as the enemy is a few dozen feet away. I pop a shot with a dagger throw. It glances off his shoulder, minimal damage.
He charges at me. But I activate my skill and hit him with the magic blast. Pink mana bursts out my character's hand and blasts a large chunk of his armor off. Then it dips into his actual health.
Then as he falls on his ass, I activate my ultimate. The Dancer of Doom. I dance like a ballerina as dark mana fills my enemies in a fifty foot radius. If they are in range when the ultimate ends, they're stunned.
I dance after the enemy as he smartly runs. But there's a problem. We're on a open field. They can't escape very well.
So they get hit while trying to duck behind a tree. I just loop around the tree, hit him with a three hit combo, and the fight ends. I feel casual but pleased with myself.
Turns out this was my first major achievement. It was a big streamer I just destroyed.
Bad news? I just became a New England Patriot. Not the football player, the ultra nationalist slang term. I am a patriot of top quality for a sport or in this case e-sport we fight other countries in. Such as China or Japan.
In this case it's China cause it's a Chinese game. I was pissed and became a Unwilling Patriot immediately. A man in chat asked my politics. I said Democrat. They asked me about Trump. I said I love the daily show and I think his hands are small like they do.
Suddenly a man I've had suspicions of being a government agent burst into my house with a gun. He is a obese man wearing my blue company shirt and blue jeans. Along with brown steel toed boots.
Then my roommate shows up. He's also obese. He has a blue polo and black pants on. No shoes.
I'm currently too confused to be scared.
"Am I hallucinating?" I ask.
I throw my remote at the government agent. It bounces off his face as he curses angrily. I gasp, shocked.
"Holy shit, you're real? But why are you here?" I ask, confused and mildly angry.
"To make you commit to being a red blooded american. It's time to be a gaming war hero." Government Agent Dan Flannagan says firmly.
I stare with stoned amusement.
"Alright, the delta nine in these gas station weed pens finally got to me. You aren't real." I say confidently.
I cockily stand up, ignoring the delusions yelling at me as I pick up the remote and go back to playing Ninja Bladestorm. They calm down as I sit back down and start searching for a match.
"Yeah, sit there american. Do it for Uncle Sam." Roommate Adam Black says sarcastically.
"None of you are real, I'm just playing videogames to get through this delusion." I say angrily.
Dan punches me in the mouth, then yells furiously at me.
"THIS IS REAL LIFE BITCH! DO IT FOR UNCLE SAM, OR US PROUD AMERICANS WILL KICK YOUR ASS!"
I hold my hand to my mouth, confused and angry.
"Why are you doing this? This is a videogame." I say.
They explain it to me like I'm in a videogame and they're an Oracle. I decipher it as they speak.
"You are a New England Patriot.You are to stand against the Forces of Evil in this Chinese Propaganda and show them America is the greatest nation on God's Green Earth. Also tell them Buddha sucks."
I relay this through my brain, mouth agape and eyes squinting with utter confusion as I try to understand this and focus it through my current situation to understand more.
"So now I'm a patriot cause I'm good at a chinese videogame? And I've got to be the best gamer of them all?" I say hesitantly.
"Correct. Kind of." Dan says calmly.
I sigh angrily.
"Yeah but like, I'm antithesis to America, China, Japan, basically everything." I say bitterly.
My roommate punches me in the mouth. I start to stand to fight, but then the worst case scenario happens. Suicide threats from my mom cause of politics. She runs in with a gun to her head.
"IF YOU DON'T BEAT CHINA, I'LL KILL MYSELF!" she screams desperately.
I hesitate, then stand firm.
"I do not respect suicide threats. Do it pussy, no balls." I say like an angry british woman.
My mom throws her arms about in place angrily before running out the room. My Roommate and Dan the Government Agent both stand there awkwardly.
"Yeah, so I'm a awful human being unfit to be a patriot." I say cockily.
Dan punches me in the chest and starts ranting with cold malice.
"I don't give a shit if you shoot her, she's a criminal whore. Now be a New England Patriot and beat these Chinese bastards or you're losing your job."
I sigh angrily. I know Dan has the influence to do it at my job. I sit down and pick up the controller as a match start and my main is autopicked. Now as I wander the map looking for weapons and armor, I'm clued in more.
"We're telling you the basics now. Don't cause drama for the big streamers! You're their bitch!" Dan says angrily.
I glare at Dan and cock my fist.
"I refuse to be a bitch for anyone. Even America." I say angrily.
Suddenly a black man smacks my window and glares at me. I glare back.
"Bro, I am legit a psychopath to some people. I will step outside and fight you out of boredom." I say coldly.
"Do it. We're the government today. We all want to beat China." Black Man says angrily.
I look around, and too many people are here to put pressure on me. Relatives mainly. But also friends and women from the past.
"You are a New England Patriot. Fight for us. Or we will end your streaming career early. Like now kind of early." Dan says with commanding malice.
I am legit freaked out, then they all leave in unison. Leaving me with only my roommate. Sitting on my bed as I quickly grab a remote and start a fight. I easily destroy him as I anxiously switch my eyes between the game and my surroundings.
"Just do your best. We wouldn't do this if we weren't confident in you. Remember your training." Adam says nicely.
"Training?" I say nervously.
"Your skills I mean. You're right, you aren't a soldier. But if necessary, be manipulative. Or be a good fighter, I don't care." Adam says firmly.
I stare blankly with temptation spreading in my mind. Then I turn to the screen and grin.
"Ya know, we haven't been rude enough yet to do manipulation." I say happily.
Adam growls angrily and I roll my eyes.
"Not yet. Save it for when you're being hacked or when we're at a literal boiling point. Like they're trying to hack you or break the rules kind of boiling point." Adam says firmly.
I sigh angrily and go back to just being a normal aggressive player immediately. This begins a pattern which is annoying. When life is going well and I'm winning matches, everything is great. But when there's a struggle in a big match, there's a major problem. Everyone freaks the fuck out and the real downsides of being a New England Patriot come out.
It's mainly that random people from my personal life show up to yell at me. Or that fucking people hack my stream to yell at me or influence the game against me.
Like it starts with Dan and my Roommate, but the next one up is my stepmom. She shows up to threaten to stop helping with my bills if I don't win a game. I lost the game while arguing with her. Now I don't get financial aid from the family during this. It's annoying.
Or my cousin threatens to get me arrested for smoking weed at home when it's illegal in our state. Like bro, fuck off.
The in-game hacks are at least fun puzzles to an extent. There's an obvious hack I never beat, which is just their physical feats being amplified, they get hyper armor, they get amplified damage, basically they are buffed to shit and destroy me with ease.
But there are some that were fun. Like the Invisible Maze. Somebody placed me in a Invisible Maze while they could move around just fine. Their username was King Blood. It's a anime character's ghost partner. It has a power similar to this hack.
I countered the enemy when he got close to me. Then he tried to pick me off from range when he realized I'm decent at countering. But I had enough heals to beat that and escaped the maze. Then I beat his ass with ease and moved on.
It got worse when we started dealing with two kinds of important people. Internet Celebrities and Data Analysts. Hackers were basic, it's these two that were problems.
Data Analysts cause drama youtubers can take advantage of. They dig up many of the people's past to deter them from things on the internet. Like being a top gamer in Ninja Bladestorm. Then they spread it out to youtubers.
Data Analysts were the invisible snake that can ruin our reputation. This caused drama in real life to an extent. People attack me, including relatives. They mainly dig up that I beat up their friends before over a street fight or Politics at a political rally or something.
It gets amplified by the Youtubers and other Internet Celebrities playing the game. They make videos about me that get everyone's attention. And all hell will break loose then with the Court of Public Opinion and me.
Now let's talk about how this began. Surprisingly it began in the worst way. Being a New England Patriot nearly kills me. And I believe it was on purpose. Somebody hit me with a car. Then I wake up in the hospital and they force an oddly specific procedure on me.
I don't know much about it. I think it's a Ancient Chinese Medicine technique. It doesn't make sense why it works though unless I was hypnotized at some point.
Basically my bodily functions were locked away after the incident. Almost all of them, except my head. The doctor says I must expose secrets about myself to be healed. It was a Chinese Man. But they make me test it. They make me say why Kobra Du is my favorite character.
"It's cause she's a hot manipulative bitch." I say, confused and tense.
I feel my left hand move under my full command in that moment. I curse angrily. It gets worse. They tell me to essentially trust my instincts and expose any secret that comes to mine. Anything that's a secret will release my body. And I must expose even the stuff that doesn't make sense.
I was thinking about weather manipulation the other day, so I say-
"We could lower the heat of society if we covered more windows in our towns and cities. The heat from windows amplifies the heat of global warming." I say nervously.
It works a little, I can wiggle my toes. I start talking about conspiracy theories, it works for a bit. Until they tell me to talk about crimes. I feel tense immediately. They tell me to talk about my cousin Jessica's suspected murder charges. I sputter for a moment, then all the asian doctors glare at me. Everyone else looks at me nervously, and some shake their heads.
"So like, I think I killed that guy. Her boyfriend's friend was trying to rob me over a bet he lost while I was being a New England Patriot, and he wanted to fight me over it. So I like, punched him too hard or something." I say nervously.
I regain feeling in both my arms entirely. A doctor suddenly rushes forward and covers my mouth. Then starts panicking and shouting.
"COVER HIS MOUTH, HE'S A CHINESE SPY! HE'S EXPOSING AMERICAN SECRETS!"
I roll my eyes and let a small riot play out in the room. As they riot, I just keep exposing secrets.
"I uh, once threw a grenade at some gangsters that were trying to rob me with military grade weapons. It was during that time the national guard's weapons got stolen by local gangs." I say nervously.
I regain feeling in my legs, but my cock and balls are still numb.
"I um… specifically buy movies where female actresses like Jessica Reeds are naked in or show their ass and titties to jerk off to celebrities." I say nonchalantly.
I regain my dick and balls. I just get up and leave the room while they riot at this point. I don't get far before the government agent gets there.
"Dammit Dan. Lemme go home and rest." I say angrily.
"Shut up, we're still New England Patriots. Get in the car, we're taking you back to your home to play the game." Dan says angrily.
I roll my eyes and deal with it. Dan takes me home, I find the game waiting for me in the main menu.
Now what makes everything go to shit is that basically, that's what I'm willing to tell you got exposed. What actually got exposed is a lot more cause I was legit traumatized enough from the near death experience that I admitted to a lot of horrible things. Some of which are true, some I deny due to being drugged up and being forced to admit to shit I don't even understand. Like this for example:
"So Mythril Gear Snake 2, Daughters of the Patriots was Japanese Propaganda meant to make Americans hate their own government and question reality. That's why it got delivered mysteriously to kids' homes without anyone knowing why they showed up to begin with." I say confusedly.
I regained my ear for that secret, but you get the point. Some of the secrets were dumb as hell, and seemed unrelated to anything I knew about reality.
The problem is a lot of it is still good for blackmail. By Data Analysts and Youtubers.