I wake up in my bedroom but something is off. There is a camera installed in the center of my bedroom's ceiling, like a candelabra that's cursed with stalker energy.
"WHO THE FUCK PUT A CAMERA IN MY ROOM!?" I yell angrily.
Suddenly my flat screen tv turns on. And on the screen is a Youtuber. It's Nice Guy Dan. He is a pale man with a dark brown afro and a moustache. He wears a lime green polo and a gold necklace with a silver cross.
"Praise be to Jesus Christ. We are here to save a cursed soul of the internet." Nice Guy Dan says solemnly.
"What the fuck is happening?" I ask angrily.
"Language! You are now a Christian Server." We command you to be Christain." Nice Guy Dan commands with religious rage.
I stare back annoyed, arms spread out.
"Bro, what do you mean I'm a Christian Server? I smoke weed and support abortion." I say angrily.
"Well, if you must know. We have deemed you necessary. But you must be retrained. Because you are cringe and disturbing, you are a lost child." Nice Guy Dan says solemnly.
"Is this cause I'm autistic and bisexual? Is this retraining stuff for them? I'm a grown ass man, who got the right of attorney on me? This is bullshit." I rant angrily.
"The government deemed it necessary cause you're influential. And a top gamer." Nice Guy Dan says firmly. "As such, we will train you to be a true American."
I roll my eyes.
"I was born in America. I don't need trained." I complain bitterly.
"You said on the Political Server Politibators that you think Communism is based. You're a thought criminal." Nice Guy Dan says angrily.
I roll my eyes.
"Communism is based though. Also I suddenly for once want to be kicked off the internet." I say angrily.
"Too bad. We need you to fight China in this stupid game. And others to come. We've predicted it. You be a New England Patriot of Gaming." Nice Guy Dan says solemnly.
"Is America a cult?" I ask, confused.
"No, we just ran simulations on society. Intense simulations. And you need retrained because honestly, you're messing everything up. You became too unpredictable, and also for some reason, you got in a fight with CraigCraig. Bad. You need retrained." Nice Guy Dan says angrily.
"So is there no way out of this? Is suicide a option?" I say angrily.
"We will reset the simulation if necessary." Nice Guy Dan says nervously.
I legit become a bit scared of that. Because I am a Conspiracy Theorist sometimes, and I do sometimes wonder if we're in a simulation. Especially if we consider how powerful God is, hypothetically it is a simulation. At least for God. Which is bullshit.
"So is God on your side? I hate that. Nothing else makes sense for that being your answer." I say, angry and analytical.
"For the sake of this to get through your head, yes, God is on our side. And it's worse than you thought. Cause God is the government." Nice Guy Dan says firmly.
"God is the government?" I repeat with fear.
I walk through my house, approach the cross hanging over my door frame to the kitchen. I take it off the wall. And I snap it in half.
"Fuck the Government." I say angrily.
Suddenly I feel a shock rain through my whole body. As I spasm with pain, I hold my head. And I feel a strange block under my skin. Like a thin microchip.
"You feel that? That's guilt." Nice Guy Dan says with righteous smugness.
"No, it's an electric shock from a brain chip. You fucking psychopaths. Someone invented brain chips. Why?" I say with shock, disgust, and rage.
"No, it's Guilt. You should know this. You weren't a pure man. Or worse, you're so sociopathic you never felt guilt or joy before now." Nice Guy Dan says angrily.
"Okay fuck you, new tangent. Am I still playing Ninja Bladestorm? Can we do that instead? Do I still need to be a top player?" I ask sarcastically.
"Yes. But you will be censored for now. And if necessary, we will keep you in the dark, away from the light of society and the internet. Forever." Nice Guy Dan says, solemn and firm.
"Culture is a bitch man. Y'all mad cause I'm a liberal." I say defiantly.
"You have been brainwashed. You think China is a good place." Nice Guy Dan says angrily.
I roll my eyes and try turning off the tv. I yelp with pain as it shocks me.
"Meanie. Anyway, America isn't exactly a saint. Ever heard of 9/11? The government planted bombs. And what about MK Ultra?" I say sarcastically.
"Says the man that roundhouse kicked his co-worker over a sandwich." Nice Guy Dan argues smoothly.
"Okay, that guy was territorial as hell. It was inevitable he'd fight someone." I argue seriously.
"Perhaps. But you could've quit your job. Or got him arrested for assault." Nice Guy Dan argues politely.
I cross my arms.
"Dan. I'm gonna be real about that. I live in an anarchist town and my family has criminals in it. I don't get the option to have people arrested." I say angrily.
Nice Guy Dan sighs sadly.
"You are lost because you believe you live in a world that isn't real. It's a lie. The government is still in control." Nice Guy Dan says solemnly.
I look out the window and see gang graffiti on the abandoned house next door. I turn back to Dan.
"Bullshit. This is gang controlled. And if it is government control. The government sucks too." I say angrily
I gasp as I realize my predicament. The criminals of my family will come soon. And well… either they would be driven away by this. Or they'd drive the government out. Is what it is.
I grin at the chaos about to unfold.
"My family is mafia bro. You gonna really act like they'll allow me to be watched like this? They already hate that I'm a streamer." I tease with cocky madness.
"You could die in the crossfire." General Cram says firmly.
The screen has switched to a military youtuber. A slightly buff man in an olive green shirt with a crew cut and a square jaw.
"Also they don't care. They can make money from you being a youtuber and streamer. That's their incentive for allowing this despite our moral differences." General Cram says, bored.
I am shocked for a second then sigh angrily.
"Of course they don't fucking care, I shouldn't be surprised. Criminals are always so unreliable." I say angrily.
"Why'd you even try using them as a card against us?" General Cram deadpans, annoyed and bored.
I sigh again, mad at myself.
"I feel like a moron as well for even assuming it'd work out." I say bitterly.
"Just work with us. There's benefits. Like passive income. That thing you always wanted if your youtube videos do well enough." General Cram says, bored and polite. "Plus you like being legal. We know you do."
"I do like being a legit citizen for the most part. But this is dystopian. And a little insane. Why are youtubers doing this?" I say annoyedly.
"Honestly, it's to make you more comfortable. All the big youtubers go through something like this for America. It's to train you for the big world so you have as few humiliations as possible along the way." Nice Guy Dan says sadly.
"He is not kidding. We have all been embarrassing degenerates at some point before going through this program. And if it makes you feel better, nobody that even has a chance of being famous and dares to livestream has escaped this program." General Cram says sternly.
I cross my arms, annoyed and bitter.
"I can't say I'm surprised humanity is this uptight when it comes to avoiding cringe. I was just hoping we were better than that. Especially with how much cringe already exists. Like Chris-san." I say seriously.
"If you don't do this program, you are guaranteed to have a reputation like Chris-San's. If not worse. Cause at least Chris-san isn't violent." General Cram says sternly. "And don't act like you're better cause you didn't do incest, we're half sure you did a murder. Or three."
I smack my fist on my desk and stand tall and tense.
"I will do the program, just don't talk about my crimes. I'm sick of hearing about them." I say angrily.
"Yeah, well, give up on them all going away. They stick around forever. Videos are a thing. But well, humanity is as you say. Fucking r!@#$%%^. And as long as you're entertaining, you can do a lot as long as it's free. You'd be surprised. Many horrible people still have careers in Congress, let alone youtube. Get used to it. And just try to avoid Politics." General Cram says sternly.
"Seriously, give up on it. I like you're liberal, but everyone hates criminals. Just give up on being a politician." Nice Guy Dan says firmly with second hand embarrassment.
"I will consider it." I lie calmly.
"Quit being a Fae kid while you're at it." General Cram says firmly.
I step back, confused and wary of his words.
"What's a fae kid? I don't recall being magical." I say confusedly.
"It's the way you deal with social situations and the weird ways you lie. Like using a half-truth to get through a conversation. Like for example, at work today, you said 'I did it at some point.' To the question 'Did you do your lab work this morning?' It worked for the conversation, but you didn't do your lab until around 10AM." General Cram says sternly.
"That totally counts as morning though." I say wryly.
"See, this is what I mean. Quit being a fae kid, act like a good worker. We know you can argue like a good worker, be a good worker too." General Cram says angrily.
"We know you manipulated people at your job using Good Worker Arguments. You know how a good worker thinks, talk like a good worker. Not like a fae kid." Nice Guy Dan says, polite and firm.
I sigh annoyedly.
"I don't like how you guys know about my work drama. Even if the latest work drama is minor." I say grumpily.
"Nobody likes the government." General Cram says sternly.
"How'd you get everyone to snitch? I can't get them to snitch when I get in a fight at work and I want to get people in trouble for it. They'd rather let fights slide under the table." I say, curious and annoyedly.
"We're the government. We threatened to deport them to Mexico." General Cram says sternly.
… I sigh angrily.
"Damn, that's a good argument. I guess we can work with the government for once." I say bitterly.
"Good. Now we begin simply with a training session. You've been doing good with your livestreams lately. Your next goal is simple. Reach the top 100 of the leaderboard on your current game, Ninja Bladestorm. While being civilized and not being psychopath. Fail, and this part of your life will be re-simulated until you succeed in being a civilized man. We will do it while livestreaming. Live. To a limited audience." General Cram says sternly.
My mouth goes agape with shock for a moment. I close it and look at my gaming console anxiously. Then back at the screen.
"I mean, we all have to do this for just gaming livestreams?" I say confusedly.
"To have the right to stream everything. You and your phone will be living cameras. Living witnesses. Your character is tarnished. But not entirely destroyed. You can still be reliable as entertainment. And if people come to trust you enough, you can be evidence. That is why this is a powerful right we restrict when it comes to people like you. Especially given your prowess in martial arts. You can record things most people wouldn't dare. Like a street fight. Which you already have recorded." General Cram says seriously.
"This applies for everything. Even Kik, that awful place where you'd actually stream a street fight." Nice Guy Dan whines seriously.
I am… mildly overwhelmed by this. It makes sense criminals would fight against Streamers now. They're living cameras. They need a witness. I am the witness. And well, I'm only gonna make videos with it. But the potential is overwhelming. That'd be an annoying thing to deal with.
"Why even fight it? It's inevitable." I mutter angrily.
"What?" Nice Guy Dan says confusedly.
"Nothing important." I say quickly.
I just sit down, sigh, and pick up the controller.
"So all this for the right to be a good streamer? Whatever man. Humans have too much censorship." I say bitterly.
I pick up the controller and start playing. I start a match and start playing. WIthin minutes, my first real test of being a celebrity appeared. A big streamer calls me out for something.
BigBentley: Stop being on the internet, you beat up one of my friends.
BigBentley has 10,000,000 followers And currently, 12,000ish viewers. Annoying and stressful as hell. I turn off the views number immediately. I feel better immediately. Enough to sigh with relief and look at the chat.
SirTiddies: kys
Batman69: kys lol
Mother: kys
Goku: do a flip before you die
Stress and dread hit me once more. The Court of Public Opinion is around my neck. The first weapon is a natural human reflex. Stress makes you choke up when the people hate you. I had to face them. So I breathe in, take a hit of my vape, and focus.
I can speak a bit.
"I will not leave the internet because of a fight we had. My apologies." I say, quiet and polite.
The pressure of the camera is enough to turn me quiet. But I still speak.
BigBentley: I'm gonna tell your mom kid
This legit made me so angry despite the fact I'm about to flip out on a big streamer and had the pressure of the government on my back, I still ranted like a psycho.
"I AM A GROWN ASS 26 YEAR OLD MAN! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I AM NOT A KID! NOT EVEN BY SCIENCE'S STANDARDS AM I A KID! FUCK YOU!"
BigBentley: Yeah but now your cells are degrading so you'll die soon
I legit glare at the tv and BigBentley's last message with my mouth agape.
"Ya know what, big man move. How about y'all block me and I block you?" I say angrily.
I start to do it but then the light of the room turns red. And a videogame announcer says "FAILURE!" Then a government agent in a swat suit and a bullet proof vest wearing a black balaclava enters the room and yells at me.
"PSYCHO! PSYCHO! YOU YELLED FUCK YOU AT BIGBENTLEY! THERE ARE CHILDREN IN HIS STREAM!"
"Alright, but hear me out. I have trigger warnings on my stream. He shouldn't have watched my stream with them present." I say shrewdly.
The light turns green. I grin at the hint.
"So they think I'm good?" I say hopefully.
"For now. Lucky guess. You're lucky you were honest about how adult you were with your trigger warnings." Government Agent says sternly with a hint of malice.
He leaves the room, slamming the door shut. I sigh with relief. And then a rush of emotions hit me. Which ends interestingly enough with satisfaction because I am a bit of a Patriot.
"So the government has me? I am safe to an extent. As long as they don't…" I say happily.
Then it turns dark again as I remember America is a dark, fucked up place. And Trump is in charge. And immigration is pretty harsh right now.
"Ah fuck, I could die." I say fearfully.
"Death by cringe." Government Agent says through the door. "On the coroner's report anyway."
He laughs like a sadist and walks away.