"What do you mean, there are kids? At work? Why?" I ask angrily.
"Because some of your demons are kids. They're mad you beat their favorite streamers." Sera says with sadistic humor.
I glare at her and sigh. I know what to do. I just don't say out loud what my answer is. I check my inventory for an item, and find a laser pistol. Nice, I stand up and open fire! For a few seconds with no rapid fire because I want to lose since they're a kid.
I get headshot and see a Game Over in bold red letters hit the screen.
"Nice, I won." I say nicely. "I mean I lost! Dang it!" I whine sarcastically like Pee Wee.
The Gangster Midget glares intensely at me. Then I hear a child start to cry.
"Jacob's a Pee Wee kid. He beat the kids by playing along." Dan says calmly.
"Huh?" I say confusedly.
"You let them win. They realized you're too nice now." Dan says annoyedly.
I look around, then feel the VR headset taken off my head. There are 8 kids crying and flipping me off. One flips me off with both hands and hiss furiously a threat through his teeth.
"I'll be back when I'm 18. When you aren't soft."
"As always, society confuses me in a stupid way. Who could've guessed being too nice won me the day?" I say bluntly while amused.
Dan stands in front of me in a boxer stance.
"Not yet. Now it's the grown ups turn to be Ghosts of Christmas Past! And we've got beef! I remember when you wouldn't let me put up a Confederate flag! And started beef with Germany over it cause they're our parent company!" Dan rants angrily.
"Well fuck you, I hate the Confederates. They were slavers." I say angrily.
I take my boxing stance and step forward. Dan steps back and we begin to circle each other as we argue.
"Day 1 Jacob. You told someone to find me by looking for a typical fat Republican. I hated you for that ever since." Dan says with bitter rage.
I shrug with a nonchalant grin that says-
"I don't give a shit Dan. You are literally a stereotype to the point it hurts." I say, sarcastically smug.
Suddenly a left straight from the side hits me across the jaw. I turn and see my neighbor Stan.
"When you moved into the neighborhood, you tried to fuck my wife and my daughter!" Stan snaps angrily.
"Look Stan, I didn't know they were related! Also I didn't expect us to start working together." I say with defensive anger.
"Didn't you try to fuck my wife too?!" Dan snaps angrily.
"Look Dan. Your wife is a hot ass doctor, and I was shot that day. Also I was on morphine. I'm sorry your wife had to give me the ball tickles to make sure I was fine." I say defensively.
"Let's kill him." Dan says with dutiful rage.
Suddenly Dan and Stan do a team attack! It's basic, but it's a double sided barrage of blows. But well…
Stan is a sixty year old black man with a bad back. And bad knees. He wears a blue sweater and black pants. His bones are cracking with every couple swings.
Dan is obese. He is already tired by the fifth swing. It quickly becomes just Stan swinging. I feel bad for them as I just look like a badass anime martial artist just blocking all their blows with the palms of my hands with ease because they're both that out of shape.
I catch Stan's fist, and bend his fist down. This causes pain to his wrist as its twisted in an uncomfortable direction. Then I deliver a sick front kick into Stan's stomach.
"Grandpa!" Denise yells miserably.
"Dammit. I liked her too. That relationship is ruined now." I mutter angrily.
Stan pulls out a knife as he glares at me.
"Now you're trying to fuck my niece? Are you the autistic dude who hit on her the other day? You said her shirt is nice?" Stan says with deadly rage.
I sigh sadly.
"Stan, that was Dan. I swear it was Dan." I lie nervously.
Stan turns to Dan angrily, who begins yelling angrily.
"Stan, he's trying to fuck everyone in your family! It wasn't me! I have a wife! He's a desperate incel!"
I cross my arms and pout.
"I get laid sometimes. On Grindr." I say sheepishly.
Stan and Dan find themselves instinctively over inherent homophobia and unleash a homophobic team attack! Stan kicks me in the dick, but I catch his leg. Dan tries punching me in the throat. It works cause I did the wrong thing and had both hands catch Stan's leg.
I struggle for air, and Stan gets close with his knife. Until the best and worst thing could happen.
"Don't kill my ex-boyfriend, I'm calling the cops if you do!" Lindsey says angrily.
I turn and see Lindsey, a tall blonde woman. I'm confused by this and her statement.
"I don't recall ever getting your number. We only flirted." I say confusedly.
"It was enough to be a problem, Jacob. She technically cheated on her husband with you cause you flirted so much." Sera says with sadistic amusement.
"Yeah, and so did you Sera. It almost ruined yours as well." Caity says with sadistic glee.
The two gossip hounds glare at each other. I stare with amusement despite the circumstances. By the new definition of a boyfriend I've just learned in Lindsey's case, I have dated a lot of women. I flirt with lots of women for way too long.
"Yo, I'm gonna get shot. I fucking flirted with a Cop's wife the other day." I say nervously. "These Ghosts of Christmas Past are bullshit. How did I know my exes count as exes if I flirted with them too long?"
The Drama Hounds snicker and glare at me like Vultures of Drama.
"You are dead meat, Hemlock. Your sins of Lust are counting up. And things are looking grim." Sera and Caity says in malicious unison.
I point angrily at them and start ranting.
"ARE YOU PART OF THE TOWN GOVERNMENT!? I REMEMBER THAT SHIT FROM WHEN I'VE BEEN IN STUPID STREET FIGHTS! YOU PEOPLE FUCKING JUST CONTROL THE CITY OR ACT LIKE IT! FUCKING MASONIC CHURCH BITCHES! DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS AMERICA!? I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BEND TO BLACKMAILERS AND CULTISTS!"
I take a breath to breathe, then I try to rant more. But Dan fucking throws a wrench at me! I sidestep it, but he starts throwing more.
"I'll rant more later, assholes! I'm walking off the shift!" I yell angrily.
I open the door, and see a man in a black and white suit that's buff and bald. I'm so angry I try pushing him aside, then notice something concerning. His suit is unusually stiff and smooth. I'm confused for a moment, until I remember a fun fact about the Secret Service. Their fancy suits are made of kevlar, the same material body armor is made of.
I sigh angrily as he stands in front of me. And pushes me back inside. I'm angry enough to say "Fuck it" and try my tall man strategy. I start doing as the kids 'Body Boxing' where I just beat up his stomach in order to trigger asphyxiation. However, his kevlar armor is too thick and it hurts my hands more than it hurts him clearly. Especially judging by how he grabs me by the throat, picks me up, and carries me back inside. Then he closes the door the behind him after setting me down.
I massage my throat as I breathe tensely. I want a weapon. A gun or maybe a knife. Or maybe not, I'm a youtuber now. I can't pick the kill option every time. And also I'm a good man. Why did I say youtuber first? God, I'm fucking cringe.
Dan and Stan stand there, tensely glaring at me. The girls stand by, flat faced but tense. And now our Supervisor enters the room. I just glare at Percy Cry. He approaches me with a paper in his hand. I take it and gasp.
"It's a paycheck!?" I gasp happily.
"Yeah, we owe you a paycheck. We have to pay our dues now that you're streaming. That's part of why we want you dead. Some of us owe you money if you live long while streaming. That check isn't even from us." Percy says with forced calm.
I take a closer look. It's my first job, Slaminos. A pizza chain.
"Yo, what the fuck? I got paid though." I say confusedly.
"They kept your money. Also you owe me money. For sparing you. And not telling the government you're gay." Dan says angrily.
"Dan, that's incorrect anyway. I told them on a survey I'm bisexual." I say annoyedly.
"You do surveys!? That's why we owe him money, they discovered the streamer. And worse yet, my daughter owes him a date." Dan says angrily.
"What?" I say, confused and awestruck.
"Someone else explain it. It makes me want to kill myself." Dan says bitterly.
Sera approaches me, tears in her eyes.
"Jacob, when a streamer is born. Everyone's debts are due. Including dates. For some fucking reason. Everyone owes you a date before you get a streamer girlfriend. Or they missed the bus. And the money. Potentially." Sera says sadly.
"Why is society doing this over a streamer?" I say confusedly.
"It's because you'll bitch on youtube about it." Dan says bitterly.
"So… you're all mad at me because of dumb shit in the past, you owe me money and don't want to pay me, or you owe me a date if you don't want to miss the bus? That's why life is so r!@#$% right now?" I say, confused and annoyed.
"I'm not dating you Jacob. I'd rather miss the bus." Caity says with sadistic glee.
I can't deny it. With the severity of the situation, a rejection makes my eyes water.
"Alright, who's next? I think we're all rejecting him right?" Sera calls out calmly.
I look around, as literally every woman in the workplace I've flirted with is here.
"Everyone who is not rejecting Jacob and showing up for speed dating, step back now." Sera yells anxiously.
Only three women step back. They're all hot at least. But dammit, I feel the dread. And they drag it out. Especially cause they laugh. And Sera tries to convince them to change their mind.
"Guys, it's Jacob! You really want to try speed dating!? With him!?" Sera taunts with sadistic glee.
One woman, the chick with a dick that isn't out the closet, steps forward with the group. The Chaser inside me makes me fall to the ground and start to cry as they say a terrible line.
"Jacob, we're all rejecting you. Also welcome to speed dating. We're doing it at work as well." Sera yells with sadistic glee.
"Why at workkkk!? That's sooo awfffulllll!" I yell with misery and cringe.
"It's because we find hard workers hotter. Prove you're a good worker. We want men that work!" Sera says with sadistic glee.
"Fucccckkkkk. I make $17 an hour." I groan with cringe.