I awoke tied to a chair in my grandma's kitchen. There was a cop to my right. A microphone in front of me. And my family was around me.
"So what was that about grooming society with manners?" My Grandpa says angrily.
I sigh bitterly.
"I have to explain to my family, the town, and the internet at the same time why I groomed society and how I did it huh?" I say.
My cousin elbowed me in the mouth with a simple side nudge cause they're standing beside me. With a bat. I sigh angrily.
"Is the cop even real?" I say bitterly.
"It's Dan the Government Agent." my sister Marceline says warm, but tense.
I roll my eyes and just start talking.
"It began with articles on the internet about people saying manners are a way rich people take advantage of you. I hated it. Because they were right. But also cause it made people abandon manners. And that was even more annoying. Cause I kept getting punched in the mouth. By literally everyone. Ever." I say bitterly, still slightly traumatized by it.
They all look at me like I'm done except Dan. He's furious.
"So you're why we didn't abandon manners? You know this town's anarchist right?" Grandpa says angrily.
I roll my eyes.
"I don't care, it hurt. All the abuse cause society would rather fight than be civil." I say bitterly.
They all glare intensely. The room heats up. I sigh bitterly. They're fucking with me already. I poke someone beside me to see if they're there. They're not, it's a mirror reflection, all the mirror fall over. There's microphones behind them. I hiss and sigh angrily while tilting my head back towards the ceiling. There's a camera on the ceiling pointed at me. I groan bitterly.
"This sucks dick." I say angrily.
"Shut up and answer our questions. Who are you really?" Dan asks angrily.
I stare angrily ahead at what is now white concrete walls surrounding me. The hallucinations are either down or I'm deep in illuminati bullshit. Either way, I'm alone now. Uncuffed. I stand up and pace the room for dramatic flair.
"I'm Jacob Hemlock. I've been many things despite being young. A student. A worker of a few jobs. A dishwasher, a warehouse worker, and a factory worker. Now I'm an Influencer of Humanity. Oh, and some would say I can be a Anarchist Martial Artist as well. A bit of a Chemist too, but just with some basic and essential tricks." I say cockily.
"A Shadow Influencer. Why didn't you come out of hiding sooner?" Dan says angrily.
I shrug, pondering seriously for a moment. Then sigh amusedly.
"I just never made my own youtube account. I've been pretty public otherwise." I say warmly.
The room heats up so much it's boiling red. But I feel fine, just confused. Then it calms down. I see a floor tile on the ceiling automatically slide to the left, and a projector is lowered into the room. A projection of my mother is on the screen.
"Jacob, why did you groom society? What was the point?" she cries miserably.
"Well, I hate anarchy, crime, and getting punched in the mouth over stupid shit. So I gatekeeped, girlbossed, and groomed my way into victory." I say, sarcastically bitter.
"Anything else?" Government Dan says bitterly. "Jeffrey Epstein much?"
I am confused, until I remember a burst of memories.
"Right, I was fae-locked before with guilt or whatever. Now after much chaos and winning people money, I'm free." I say happily.
Then my throat tightens slightly.
"Being fae-locked is being locked by fae law because guilt is magical or psychological because the law is that good." I say quickly. "So ask the right questions, I'm compelled to answer cause of guilt or else it'll kill me."
The pressure releases immediately and I sigh with relief. Then I hear people screaming at each other.
"DON'T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS OR I'LL KILL MYSELF!" Mother screams with miserable desperation.
"Nobody move or we'll do it." Nephew says sadly.
I now see a projection of my family holding guns to their heads while the Cops and some civilians stare at them, traumatized. Then in the top right of the projection, I legit fucking sigh with how r!@#$%^& everything got.
"Is that ShootyDieDie, that Swedish youtuber in the top right?" I say, annoyed to death and back.
A man with slicked back blonde hair in a black turtleneck with a red border around his webcam is on the screen, hovering over the cops. They're moving him to the middle where he looks back and forth, and begins narrating like a sarcastic youtuber.
"Ladies and gentleman, we have a stand off of suicide for the soul of Jacob Hemlock. On one end, the family of drug dealers known as the Bat Gangers with Bobby Hill versus Society. First of all, what do we say to their suicide death wish?"
"I say let them kill themselves. Being an orphan is based after this cringe. We can't beat the government." I say bitterly.
"You're right Bart, we can't. But suicide is bad, so shut up!" ShootyDieDie says angrily.
I sigh bitterly, sit down and cross my arms and legs. Then pout like a schoolgirl while this stupid shit plays out.
"He can't talk about us. He's autistic. He'll say something that's not true! He can lie! We're human, we can't lie!" Aunt says nervously.
I roll my eyes.
"Who fucking cares? Lies are real. Otherwise Harry Potter is real. And so is the fucking tooth fairy. Can I get an amen brother?" I say, bitterly amused.
"SOMEONE MUTE BART! HE'S TOO APATHETIC, IT'S ANNOYING!" ShootyDieDie yells angrily.
I sigh bitterly.
"Ah well, I can make jokes to myself now." I say amusedly.
"Please don't, you're cringe." Tired Man says sadly.
"Who are you?" I ask amusedly.
"Your warden. Just please shut and play videogames." Warden says sadly.
"There's none in here. Can you bring some in?" I ask happily.
Suddenly slots in the walls automatically slide open, and a metal drawer holding an Xbox One S and a controller appears. Along with another projector lowering from the ceiling. It has the Xbox logo on it.
"Fucking sweettttt." I say happily.
The Drama Projector turns off. I now have no one idea what's going on with the drama. My eyes water with disappointment due to that. Then after a minute, I take a deep breath. Move my seat closer to the tv. And start gaming.
The only game is a Dungeons and Dragon simulator. I'm in a prison cell and a gamemaster, I know the drill.
"This game is a morality test. That's the catch with getting to game." I say bitterly.
I still play it, especially because it's a hack and slasher. I am pleased. I don't even mind being a cop. Until a message shows up asking me how I feel about it. I say I'm pleased, and they give me brownie points. I shrug and ask the Warden:
"What's brownie points?"
"It's good karma, like a videogame but for real life." Warden says sadly.
"Nice." I say happily.
I begin in a simple scenario. I'm in my room on a linear adventure with PS2 era graphics. I groan annoyedly.
"So we're reliving a day of my past? What kind of day?" I ask grumpily.
"Not a good one. A fucked up one you forgot." Warden says sadly.
I exit my room, and get hit with an epi-pen filled with green liquid by my mom. Then I pass out and get raped by my cousin. It's terrifying and sad enough my vision goes blurry and I block it out.
I sit sadly and stare at the screen.
"Don't play anything more like this. If this is real life, I might leave jail and immediately kill my cousin." I say, nervous and tense.
"It's a mental breakdown date with death." I mutter bitterly under my breath.
The room goes dark. The one way mirrors become two way mirrors. It's a bullshit scenario even the government might not win. We're surrounded, my family is surrounded by cops with guns at their heads or at the cops, or at me. And the Cops are only pointing at the Cops.
In the room is my Aunt with a gun pointed at my hand. I sigh bitterly.
"Soooo this scenario is dreadful. You think killing me will end my confession? What about my dead body? What about society? And where will my mom live?" I say bittersweetly.
I'm sad and depressed as this scenario has broken down enough to where all hope is lost. Until hesitation fills the room, and it's filled with miserable dread. And I laugh like Kefka as everyone starts to cry.
"HA! Y'ALL HATE MY MOM SO MUCH, YOU DON'T WANT TO FIGURE OUT WHERE SHE NEEDS TO LIVE WHEN I DIE!"
The Aunt is stunned, she gets a nosebleed from the sheer stupid bullshit she just heard.
"She ain't living with me. Serena, quit trying to kill your son!" Aunt says angrily.
The scene changes again. We're in my Grandma's kitchen. I pout again.
"Are we in VR again? Why are we in simulation land?" I ask angrily.
"Cause your simulation sucks dick. Quit telling weird stories to make fun of crime and stuff. You groomed people into being good kids and not anarchists." Mother pouts miserably.
I laugh like Kefka.
"Shut up, I'm a gamer, not a writer. Anyway, get out of my dreams." I say, bewildered and amused.
Suddenly my co-worker Repo enters the room. I laugh like Kefka again, even harder.
"WE'RE IN FULL R!@#$% MODE NOW! MY CO-WORKERS ARE HERE!"
"Shut up Jacob, this is for society. It's eugenics shit." Repo says angrily.
I laugh even harder, maniacally.
"AWESOME! I KNEW I WAS A CRAB OF EUGENICS! BECAUSE I GROOMER GOD'ED THAT HARD MUWAHAHAHAHA!"
"Yeah yeah, big whoop Mister Toxic Masculinity. My ass, more like Femboy Masculinity. Fucking queer." Repo says, bitterly raging.
I laugh at that, then stomp my foot angrily.
"FUCKKKK! I DIDN'T TAKE OVER TOXIC MASCULINITY WHEN I BEAT UP ANDREW TAINT! I JUST PROVED FEMBOY MASCULINITY WINS!" I curse furiously.
They all stare at me angrily.
"Who the fuck cares?" Grandpa says angrily.
I pout.
"I care a bit. My goal ended up becoming dumb and shitty." I say angrily.
"Yeah, well we need it. I can't even deny it." Repo says bitterly.
He's sitting down. Repo is a similar build to Dan, but slimmer. And a brunette.
"Alright, so this is r!@#$%^, but listen. I need Jacob for my son to survive. He's Femboy Masculinity as a Crab. I need him so my son will live." Repo says seriously.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Grandpa says angrily.
Repo holds his hand out like he's rolling dice, and groans angrily.
"Look, it's bullshit, but listen. My son becomes a Femboy, I already see it. I need Jacob to live because he is the most badass form of Femboy Masculinity ever. He's the Crab of Femboys. And I need my son to emulate him." Repo says seriously.
Then the most bullshit thing ever happens.
"Too bad, I copyrighted him. You can't do his thing." Grandpa says angrily.
"What?" Repo and I say, shocked and angry.
"HOW CAN YOU COPYRIGHT BEING A FEMBOY!?" I yell furiously.
"I guessed it would happened, and copyrighted it. All of you owe me copyright paychecks." he says, nervous but excited.
I groan angrily.
"I hate copyright violations." I say angrily.
I already know copyright violations are bullshit cause of bio-hacks being a thing. I paid a copyright violation fee for base 10-ing myself. It's bullshit.
"SO WE NEED MY SHITTY SON ALIVE TO KEEP FEMBOYS ALIVE!? THAT'S SO CRINGE, KILL ME NOW!" Mother cries miserably.
I laugh like Kefka at my mom because she might actually die from cringe. She's too sensitive to it. She hates it. She throws a spatula at me, and it bounces off my chest. I laugh.
"No, it's cleaver, it just bounced. When'd that happen Pedro? Your blade is blunt." Repo says angrily.
"How's that possible? I sharpened it earlier." Grandpa says, confused.
"It's cause my bones are too tough. Probably bounced off my ribs. Doesn't explain why I'm not bleeding though." I say smugly.
I check under my shirt, there's a light cut but otherwise I'm fine.
"Maybe it's cause she's weak." I say sarcastically.
My nephew says it at the same time, but bitterly. Then he lunges at me with a knife. I stand up as he charges across the room, and punch him in the throat. Or so I thought until they pulled him back. Roots. …
"Am I drugged?" I say confusedly.
"No, it's worse. He's a true celebrity. Mother Earth loves you. It's why I'm here." Repo says bitterly.