Now thanks to an illegal story on Readit, I already know a solution to poison. It's working out really hard. There's just a major problem.
"You can't leave work. The trials are all happening here. Also, another trial is happening while you avoid being poisoned. It's a work trial." Dan says, bored.
"Ugh, that's annoying. Now I gotta work out while dealing with work drama." I sigh sadly.
"Yeah. By the way, this trial's hint is 'Good Employee'." Dan says calmly.
I sigh as it quickly clicks what the answer is.
"I gotta keep up with the machines while working out. Gotcha." I say calmly.
It's simple enough to be a problem. It's too easy. An hour in, I'm still feeling amazing. Just tired. The Chemist Boyfriend speaks up through Dan's radio as he passes by.
"Test his blood. I need to see if he got rid of the poison yet. It's for science."
Dan pulls out a small tool I've dealt with at plasma centers. It just takes a pinprick's worth of blood with a small needle inside it. Then you analyze it in a tube spinny thing. He doesn't have it with him, he runs off with the small needle and my blood sample. 10 minutes later, the Chemist speaks up.
"You barely pass. You used Martial Arts instead of Chemistry to beat my trial. It's bullshit, but in a cute way." Chemist Boyfriend says whimsically. "Now let him leave work! It's time for him to do more streamer stuff! We're embracing being the villain of Ninja Bladestorm!"
I happily get to leave work after getting this approved by Dan the government agent. Once home, I start up the game. But I find myself in a bad scenario.
"Why are there so many streamers? A lot of big and small people in this game. And it feels like an Xbox lobby, we're all talking over one another." I complain annoyedly.
"First streamer challenge is beating big streamers for real. You hate the fame effect right, Jacob? Let's see you live out your manipulative fantasies and beat big streamers in videogames." Chemist Boyfriend says happily.
I gasp with shock and glee as I hear him on the headset.
"Can we talk?" I say hopefully.
"SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND, I'LL FUCKING HACK YOU JACOB HEMLOCK!" CraigCraig yells furiously.
"Wait until we're out the same lobby. Some of them are uncivilized. And don't forget, this isn't just for show. It's a marriage game. All of this is." Chemist Boyfriend says whimsically.
"For who? You and me?" I say nervously.
"Everyone." Melon Cusk says seriously.
The words around the world are heard as Melon Cusk enters the call.
"Ladies and gentleman, our dating pool odds are so sad, the government is forcing you all into calls with each other to initiate dating. Cause we need babies, so guess what? Our Oracle AIs have determined based on your current lives and your pasts who the best boyfriend or girlfriend is for you. And I don't want to hear shit about not having kids. I will get Trump to rig society so that you get less taxes if you're married with children just to make sure the economists in the room are incentivized to have children, so shut up. And start mating. Also please tell me everyone is cleaned up for this, it's important. We're all trying to get married." he explains sternly.
I rolled my eyes.
"Great, now we're Japan. Cause our dating game is that bad." I say, jaded.
"It's fine, I'm here. I like you pretty boy." Chemist Boyfriend says happily.
The screen fades in a burst of pretty rose petals into the battlefield. I'm on a hill beside the Emperor's Palace.
"Ah, the center of the city. This place is normally abandoned in-game. I wonder what happened for that to be a thing." I say calmly.
I'm in streamer mode now for both content and my Chemist Boyfriend's sake.
"Yeah, it's weird. Maybe they killed him. The Emperor, I mean." Chemist Boyfriend says nicely.
Suddenly I feel a needle jammed into my back. And I'm in the game, first person. But I'm still cell shaded. Thankfully, I am so used to the illuminati bullshit at this point that I know what's happening: I'm in the game virtually. I smack myself, I feel pain. I'm mad and excited. If I die early, it will hurt and prove my martial arts suck. I must be based for my Chemist Boyfriend's sake.
I look in a mirror of the Emperor's home, and find that I look myself. Except I'm dressed in a kimono that's purple and green with a gold sash. I am such a weeb right now. I regret never buying a more modern from this game's cosmetics. But at least I ain't wearing bedroom clothes.
I search a chest and find a longsword and a pistol. A classic combination since the pirate days. I feel pleased with it. And since we're in real life standards, I can do more. I can wield both the sword and gun at the same time for unique combos. And opportunities.
I see a door open, and see a tall fat man enter the room with a lance. I just open fire. But there's a problem. Pistol damage is negligible. It's still Ninja Bladestorm. But it's a good opener.
He stands stiffly, confused. I laugh. He doesn't know he's still alive. I approach him. He stands nervously, looking confused.
"I'm dead, aren't I? The dream should end?" Opponent says confusedly.
I smile with deadly amusement.
"Not yet. We're in the game, not real life." I say cockily.
I stab him a few times with my longsword. His character fades away soon.
"God dammit, we're in VR. I'm mad, fuck the government." Opponent says angrily.
Then he's gone. I smirk amusedly at him. He'll be back. In this game, we get one respawn if it's early enough in the match.
As I turn a corner, I see another annoying character in their surgeon outfit. Except I see their username. StevenCross. And it's in green. So I smile and wave.
"Hey, guess this is a team match? I'm Jacob Hemlock." I say warmly.
He turns to me and runs up to me in a hug. I'm confused until he speaks.
"I found you. Screw this game, let's go on a date." Chemist Boyfriend StevenCross says lovingly.
I hug him back.
"Yeah, let's walk around a bit. But we're still in-game, so try not to get too excited. We've gotta be alert." I say warmly.
We walk around the Emperor's Home, searching chests occasionally as we come across them. Eventually we're geared up enough to just start relaxing for real.
"There's a funny chinese story about the animation for stabbing down in this game with a dagger. Wanna hear it and then some bullshit that happened cause of a thought experiment?" I say warmly.
"Yes, do tell." StevenCross says warmly.
"So I saw a meme right? Apparently an Emperor gets stabbed in the toe with a poisoned dagger using that same metaphor. It caused a mental breakdown for some people obsessed with the medieval world cause they realized poison control is hard if you don't have plumbing." I say warmly.
Steven chuckles a bit.
"So some of them died? Cause of no plumbing?" he says warmly.
"Sadly yes. But they figured out plumbing eventually. Obviously, praise the gods." I say warmly.
We chuckle a bit as a man in the distance screams bloody murder.
"He just did not fucking explain the stupid meme about fucking stabbing people and then explain why we need water everywhere! I hate poison control! Why doesn't antivenom work like they say it does!? It's just a hydration pill or a lie!"
I cup one hand around the side of my mouth.
"Hey base 10 yourself and chill out." I yell sarcastically.
We chuckle, then a man in black and red samurai armor bursts through a windowframe and starts coming at me with a halbard. I sidestep and kick him in the stomach. But my foot phases through him. It deals damage and stuns him though. I groan annoyedly.
"It's a videogame."
Then my eyes brighten with gamer malice. I press my swordtip into his skin. Lightly. It deals damage over time.
"Bro, what the fuck? I'll stab you over that. Quit cheating." Opponent 2 snaps angrily.
We stab each other rapidly while standing in place. Just glaring at one another. He wears a blue oni mask with a long nose, but he sounds black. Our health is draining slower than it should.
"Why aren't you dead?" Opponent 2 says angrily.
I shrug then whack him hard with a right swing. It takes out a big chunk of his health bar. He gets mad immediately.
"Bro, stop that! I will stab you harder! Just like that anime said in the abridged! Alien style!" Opponent 2 says angrily.
I do the full animation for doing a longsword attack. Which in this game is wrapping my right arm around my chest, holding my sword. Then swinging a hard horizontal slash. A flying slash that appears to be made out of air flies out, cutting the opponent down for his remaining health bar. Then the words 'True Attack' in bold red appeared in front of my eyes. I nod happily.
"True attacks deal bonus damage. Nice." I say happily.
"Jacobbbb, teach me martial arts." Steven drawls happily.
I smile happily at Steven.
"I would love to. I'll also teach you the true attacks for this game." I say warmly.
He stands in front of me, and I grin happily. First I throw a straight punch, and am about to speak but he mimics me perfectly. We grin happily at one another. I show him a hook punch. He mimics perfectly. A body punch. And an uppercut. A front kick. A side kick. And a roundhouse kick. But I see they kick higher than me.
"Was that wrong?" he asks nervously.
"Unless it hurt, no. You can kick me in the head, it's wonderful." I say warmly.
They smile happily.
"Nice, but yeah it was a little uncomfortable." Steven says nervously.
Suddenly a power couple steps in. A small woman in a pink dress with a chainsaw with her black commando sniper boyfriend behind her. We look at at each other and run away.
"Since when were chainsaws in the game?!" I ask angrily.
"Since I asked my mom to put it in the game, bitch! My mom owns the company!" Female Opponent 1 screams viciously.
"She is not kidding." Sniper Boyfriend says gravely. "We will ban you if you win."
I roll my eyes.
"Melon Cuskkkk! How am I supposed to impress people if I'm dealing with hacks?!" I complain to the air viciously.
"Nobody cares, the government's not moderating that hard!" Female Opponent screams viciously.
They're on us in an instant, and their chainsaw one shots us. It is horseshit, we're plugged out the game and I'm back in the room. Then they throw white dust in my face.
"What the fuck is this?" I ask angrily.
"Sugar. Nighty night, gaslighting is a bitch." Sneaky Goblin says smugly.
I look at who poisoned me. They are purple and look like a child that might be my niece.
"Whyyyy!?" I ask with confused dread.
"To make you forget. You're gonna forget about Chemist Boyfriend for a year. Cause the Trump election year is that bad." she says with smug amusement.
"Whyyyy!? I hate that." I say angrily.
"Yeah, but this was a simulation. And also, you're gonna be a daredevil to save society. Sometimes." My Possible Niece says with smug amusement.
"Why!? Why!? Shut up, I hate this." I say angrily.
"Well, the government knows you're a gaslighting groomer god. Fucking shouldn't have played influencer, douche." Niece? Says with smug amusement.
"Look, I brought back manners back one time using gaslighting and physical abuse and you all hated me for years." I say with tense annoyance. "Stop being mad, society without manners was annoying as shit."
"Yeah, well fuck you. You punched me in the mouth after handing me a handkerchief." Niece? Says with smug disdain.
Then they spray me again with some liquid, and I fall asleep.