"Pfft— HAHAHAHAHA! STOP! PLEASE, SOMEONE, MY STOMACH IS GOING TO EXPLODE!"
That was the first sound to greet my soul as it detached from its mortal coil. A shrill, high-pitched laughter that was more painful to the ears than a ricer's straight-pipe exhaust at 2:00 AM.
I opened my eyes. The first thing I saw wasn't heavenly light or angels, but a silver-haired girl in a white dress rolling around on the floor, pounding the crystal tiles. She was laughing so hard her face was as red as a boiled crab.
"DEATH BY BOBA?! SERIOUSLY?!" She pointed a trembling finger at my face. "Yuuji, right? You're the winner of the 'Stupidest Death of the Century' category! You choked on a starch ball, fell, slammed your chin against the table, and died while staring at a video of a cat failing a backflip? HAHAHA! Your mother must be so ashamed to have a son like you!"
I stood up, a vein throbbing in my temple. "Hey, you Sky Skank. Are you a goddess or a paid audience member for a comedy show? If your only job is to mock corpses, go find work in a circus."
The laughter cut off instantly. The girl sat bolt upright, trying to put on a serious face that just made her look like she was constipated.
"Sky... WHAT?! Watch your mouth, you human trash! I am Eris! The Goddess of Fortune who oversees reincarnation! You should be prostrating and kissing my feet because I'm taking the time to deal with a boba-remnant soul like you!"
"Goddess of Fortune, my ass," I spat to the side—though no spit came out since I was a ghost. "If you were really a goddess of fortune, you could have at least kicked that boba out of my throat. You're just a bored goddess who watches people die for mental masturbation, aren't you? Just admit it."
Eris stood up, her face flushed crimson. "IT WASN'T MY FAULT! Your luck is in the negatives! Your stats are GARBAGE! I tried to help by sending a fly to distract you so you wouldn't choke, but you swallowed the fly too! You were just too greedy, you walking vacuum cleaner!"
"Oh, so that fly was from you? Great. Now I'm dead because of a boba-and-fly combo sent by an idiot goddess. I want to report you to your superior. Where's your manager? I want to file a complaint!"
"THERE IS NO MANAGER! Now listen up, you societal burden!" Eris snapped her fingers, and hundreds of cards floated around me. "The world down there is in chaos because of the Demon King. Since I'm feeling 'kind'—and so I don't have to see your perverted face here anymore—pick one weapon or superpower, and get lost to the Isekai! Hurry up, I have a nail appointment!"
I scanned the cards. Holy Sword, Destruction Magic, God Speed. All of them smelled like hard work. I hate hard work. I noticed a stack of cards at the very bottom—dark purple, covered in dust, like unsold warehouse surplus.
[Karma Balance System: Degenerate Module]
"What's this?" I asked.
Eris glanced at it and sneered. "Oh, that? That's trash from the 'Failed Gods' department. They say it gives power, but the catch is you have to be the biggest jerk on earth. No sane hero would take that. Just take this holy sword so you look slightly cooler and less like a NEET."
I read the description: Earn 'Degeneracy Points' every time you perform an act that is selfish, cunning, or causes others mental suffering. Points can be exchanged for money, cheat skills, or any item.
My eyes lit up. Being a bastard? That was a daily hobby that was never appreciated in my old world.
"I choose this," I said firmly.
Eris gaped. "You... you're serious? You'd rather be trash than a hero?"
"Eris, darling," I smiled so wide it gave her the creeps. "Being a good person is exhausting. You have to help people, be polite, stay fragrant. But being a jerk? I can do that while I'm taking a dump. I'm taking this card."
"But—but if you take that, my performance review will be ruined! My pay might get docked!" Eris started to panic, her hands shaking.
"Not my problem, Sky Skank," I stepped closer to her. "And according to the rules written on that pillar... I can take 'one thing' with me as a companion, right?"
Eris took a step back, her face turning pale. "Y-yes... but usually people take swords or little fairies..."
I pointed my finger right at the tip of her pointy nose. "Perfect. I choose you. Come with me to the bottom, Goddess of Burdens."
There was a moment of silence. Only the sound of a heavenly breeze passing by.
"WHAT?! NO! NO WAY!" Eris screamed hysterically, her voice cracking like breaking glass. "I'M A GODDESS! I CAN'T GO TO THE HUMAN WORLD! IT SMELLS LIKE SWEAT AND IS FULL OF HORSE DUNG! YUUJI, TAKE IT BACK! I'LL GIVE YOU TWO SWORDS! THREE! FIVE! JUST DON'T TAKE ME!"
Suddenly, the floor beneath us glowed dark purple. Heaven's alarms wailed like a police raid.
[Request Accepted: Degenerate System Activated]
[Chosen Guide: Goddess Eris (Category: Heavenly Burden)]
"NOOOOOO! LET ME GO! YUUJI, YOU S*N OF A B*TCH! YOU BASTAAARD!" Eris wailed, her nails scraping the crystal floor, but the magical gravity dragged her down in a very un-aesthetic fashion.
"See you in hell, Eris," I whispered.
WHOOSH!
We fell from the sky and landed hard in the middle of a busy city street. I landed in a cool pose (at least in my head), while Eris landed face-first into a pile of hay that smelled like horse piss.
[Degeneracy Points: 0][Mission: Make someone cry through your actions today.]
Eris climbed out of the hay, her silver hair full of filth, her mascara running, and her dress torn at the shoulder. She looked around with a hollow gaze, then started to howl.
"Waaaaah! My skincare! My air-conditioned apartment! Everything is gone because of this cursed human!"
A large adventurer with an axe on his back approached. He looked pityingly at the beautiful girl who now looked like a beggar.
"Oh dear, miss. What happened? Were you robbed? Or just dumped?" the man asked with a sincere face.
Eris looked up, her eyes full of tears. "Mister... hic... I am a goddess... help me..."
I immediately grabbed Eris's head and muffled her face into my chest to shut her up. I looked at the man with watery eyes, delivering an Oscar-level performance.
"I'm sorry, Mister. Please forgive my sister. She's the victim of a failed magic experiment. Her brain is a bit scrambled; she thinks she's a goddess of fortune when she's actually just a severely stressed dishwasher. She just tried to eat horse dung because she was so hungry."
Eris thrashed in my arms, trying to bite my stomach. "MMPFFGHH!! YUUJI YOU D*G! LETT GOOO!!"
The man sighed deeply, his face full of profound empathy. "Oh, how tragic. So pretty, yet so mad. Here, take these ten bronze coins. Buy her a decent meal, don't let her eat horse dung anymore. Stay strong, kid, having a sister like that."
The man handed over the money and walked away, shaking his head sadly.
DING!
[Degenerate Act Detected: Deceiving a Sincere Person & Brutally Crushing a Goddess's Dignity.][You Earned: 100 Degeneracy Points!][Eris Earned Title: 'The Mad Goddess of Axel City'.]
I released my grip on Eris's head. I looked at the coins in my hand and smiled with satisfaction.
"YUUJI! YOU... WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! STRESSED DISHWASHER?! EATING HORSE DUNG?!" Eris screamed right in my face, her spit flying everywhere.
"Wipe your spit, Eris. Look at this," I jangled the bronze coins in front of her eyes. "We've only been here three minutes and we already have capital. This system is a literal cheat for someone like me."
"YOU DECEIVED THAT GOOD MAN! DO YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE?!"
"Conscience can't buy food, Goddess Burden," I walked casually toward the city center, ignoring Eris who was still throwing a fit behind me. "Now, let's go find the Guild. I want to check your stats, maybe there's something I can sell... like your goddess kidneys or something."
"YUUJI! WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M SCARED OF THAT DOG!"
I laughed. This world was going to be fun.