I am Lucius Dehaviell. I am a strange man to many, because of what I am. An Incubus who just started as a rambunctious manwhore. Who out of the kindness of my heart, do a great service and great dis-service to humanity. And the universe of dimensions.
I am Death. One of many. I am the kindness of death. Who will hold your hand and try to love a lost soul through their last moments. Before moving onto what I hope are greener pastures.
It's a joke life truly ends when you die. You are reborn. There many of us, and few of us. I have dealt with what feels like the same fools over and over. I have the same conversations over and over.
I love and hate all of them. Humanity is so dense. Every species is, especially when it comes to crime. Only those who awaken themselves to what life means for themselves are smart to me.
Cause the rest of you are in denial.
There has been only man truly honest with me. And it was a man who was doing anything to retire. Cause he was too bitter and too sad. He was the Grim Reaper who passed on his responsibilities to me.
It began with him just wanting company surprisingly. Bed company. And I wanted to delay death, so I went to sleep with him. But it was a ruse. It ended up being therapy.
He's Hades, one of many Gods of the Dead. And honestly, it was a sad life. That he couldn't handle. Literally. He's too much of a dick. He can't sympathize with them anymore. He keeps seeing them all as criminals.
And he's right. In death, you're all criminal. To Immortals, that is. This Hades was a strange man. He said he was born Immortal. He claims humans shouldn't even die.
"Mortality is the real myth, kid. We live forever if morality says we do. And when we die, we just move to a new area. Or a new body. Our ancestors are just ourselves in a previous life. There's only like, 16 of us really. Or 23. Whatever psychologists are saying this week on how many unique personalities we have." Hades says bitterly.
I chuckle bittersweetly. I'm an amateur psychologist myself. I know how simple the patterns of life really are.
"There are only so many doors to life to begin with anyway. Even if you're uncivilized, or a rich man. Like the most basic example is sex honestly. We all want blowjobs. Or pussy. Nobody likes the butt, it just looks nice." Hades says bittersweetly.
I chuckle at that.
"You're a bucket of sadness, for sure old man." I joke annoyedly.
"You could be a good death. Are you sick of being a whore?" Hades asks warmly. "It's better than this shit. And I need to retire anyway. I need someone to take my place."
"What's the pay?" I ask warmly.
"You get to be Immortal. As long as you're Hades. I might actually become a mortal man after this. Cause you've got to work. I must find a new calling, or I'll be back here again if I start aging again." Hades says seriously.
I shrug, liking the idea. We shake on it. He hands me his scythe. It becomes a purple knife in my hands.
"Neat. Your soul's weapon sucks." Hades says, amused.
I glare and hold my dagger like a cute cat. Offended.
I had an odd affiliation with death. It often follows company with people in bed. Men and women kill themselves figuratively after sleeping with the wrong someone. For many reasons. Fear of their lovers. Cause my ex's and horndogs just try to hog me. It's annoying. They do it from afar, while acting so sweet and kind.
Until I became Death. Then I was gone into the night, and they never rang again. With good reason. To be death, you must die figuratively.
My power drives me out of the limelight. By force of nature. I meet the Fates and their Workers one day. As their worker, a Clockwork Android, halts my path. And makes me stand on a street corner for thirty minutes.
"Why?" I ask angrily.
"Your mother is nearby. You must avoid her. Until it's her time. She might die. And you must accept it. You are Death now. You don't interfere. You accept life's consequences. All of them. Even the bad ones." Clockwork Android says sadly.
I honestly barely even bat an eye. For a micro-second. Until I smack myself. Just my thumb. Cause everything else didn't care. That I could watch her from right there try to do a crime. Insurance Fraud. Demons doing insurance fraud is dumb right?
Wrong. We're still on Earth. It's a War of Heaven and Hell on Earth. Cause we all live on the same plane of existence here. It's Earth, deal with it. And Demons just scam people today. My own Mother.
I turn to the Clockwork Android.
"Can I just go home?" I ask calmly.
It shrugs. I walk home. My mother doesn't die. Traffic stops eventually and a man kindly talks her down from suicide. Who is apparently my cousin and my high school classmate Dan. Annoying that I have another secret relative she never mentioned. Fucking bitch.
My new Mentor Hades comes back to me with a text.
"God noticed you be too apathetic about your Mother being a criminal. Try to be a Preacher next time. You're supposed to set a good example."
I sigh bitterly. Is this life as a God of Death? Lecturing people before they try to do stupid shit.
"I thought I was Death, not a Guardian Angel."
He replies:
"You are allowed to nudge things a bit. With words. And rarely actions. Your body will be light as a feather when you can act. And heavy as stone when you can't. It's the weight of death."
The Weight of Death is bullshit. It's a metaphysical weight of karma on what I can and can't do now. It's compulsory, and hurts like shit. My body locks itself up based on karma. Sometimes it makes me faint even. It's an annoying trait of death that's easy to avoid.
Never try to hit a stranger. Always justify violence. It's surprisingly easy. And annoyingly hard to actually justify. Cause in my job, they're almost always already dead. I'm beating a corpse. It's a dick move. Always.
It actually begins that day. Before I reach my house. A cat died on the side of the road. And well, it was weird. It was my cat for a day. And it died. From a car running it over. It was weird cause he walked into me, and became a part of my soul.
A flood of knowledge just enters me. About how weird life is. And death. Cause this cat has witnessed death too many times. It just admits we evolve when we die if we die close enough to someone strong. Like me. Another Hades kid.
We are beings of life and death. That live close to death. Too close. Especially in fall. When things are dying, they are becoming poison. The oxygen the trees exhale can be poison. It's sad, but reality. We should be dead. Yet we are the Undead marching on.
Cause humans are dumb. You lose status from one false death. It's stupid. My Immortality began as a joke.
I lost privileges. Literally. I basically lost my hotness. Cause I wasn't alive anymore. They were convinced I was a ghost. Even though I still worked in the same place as them. They're convinced I'm a ghost. And I don't blame them, the world is a spiritual place. It's just they're dumb. We're alive. If God loves you.
You just get reborn if God hates. He smushes you, rebirths, and throws you back into life's mix. That's why demons have names. They always come back. Cause God wants them to be good.
Then it got truly sad. My first true Demon was a Master of Light. Lucifer, the Son of God. A literal Priest's son blessed with military grade technology cause God loves him.
God being the Mortals' American government. And their target? Me, the Immortal Ghost who needs killed.
He had a light ray gun. That looked just like the one from FOD. It was stupid, it was a toy from a game that has real guns. It didn't even hurt, cause light doesn't phase through me. It just ignored me. Cause it wasn't sunlight, it's just blinding light.
Then they try to rob me. But can't. I'm Death. And the real Gods are on my side. The Morality of Society. And Bugs. I'm not even kidding. A storm of mosquitos break their lights, and chases them around. Another Clockwork Android shows up.
"They defied God. Walk home immediately. No extra stops for one hour at least." Clockwork Android says calmly.
I nod, smiling wryly. It has always been this easy in society. It just got weirder. Cause a few days ago, the Veil existed. But it broke down. Because I became too hot recently. I was already a hot thing. Big man with a fat ass and a fat cock. But now being Death, it got bad. Cause I can do Godly favors for people.
Like tell them when they die. It's cause information flows into me like butter and I'm a sponge. Cause I'm a ghost people always forget. Cause I'm Death, I'm not even meant to exist anymore unless you're dead.
I still have a job, and they deny I'm real. To an extent. They'll work with me, but the conversations have died. I have a few theories on it. It all centers around me dying. Then it became unpredictable.
For a reason. Simulations of life bug out until you admit two things: Immortality is already real, and we all have it to an extent. It's just a question of when you admit everything is bullshit.
Cause magic is real too. The main magic is Simulation Heaven. Where you live in a simulation of things that can and can't happen.
Cause in reality, God nerfs almost everything. Or if that doesn't happen, it's criminal laziness. That's the pattern with Death. People actually rarely die. It's almost always a fake death scam waiting to popped.
When they do though, honestly… it makes sense sometimes. When they're evil. Or if humanity is evil enough to be fucked up. Or if they're just r@#$%Z^&.
My first job as the Grim Reaper was fucked up. I almost got fired from life myself. Cause they tried to steal my house. And I got to interfere too hard. Cause it's my property, castle law bitch. The King defends his throne. Any throne.
Murder was justified. They had guns. I didn't even win. But a coincidence was on my side cause my Mother is a paranoid psycho. There was a knife laying on a shelf by the door. I grabbed it, and stabbed it into the front gunman's throat. By the Adam's Apple. And started dragging it through the vein.
But they shot me to death. Or so they thought. Cause simulation land happened. We teleported in front of the door. And a simulation of God showed up. As my favorite celebrity from comic books this time. Catman.
"You can literally solve this with laziness. Think about it." Batman says seriously.
I stare at the gunmen through the door. They're just glaring. And nothing else.
"They're too white. I'm going to take a nap in the basement." I say, astounded.
It's the case of that school shooter. There once was a loser who was killing people. And he couldn't get a door to open at a girl's sorority house. He didn't even try shooting the lock. Like these fucking losers. What jokes. Killers that won't just break the glass on my front door and step through.
I literally took a nap, and they were gone. They didn't even get arrested, they just left. Until I went to take a shit. They were in the bathroom. And then they left. Literally. They stepped out my shower and moved out. They even said they were moving out cause-
"You shit too much. I can't live here." Robber 1 says angrily.
"Who said you could be on the lease? Also I don't care, get a job." I say annoyedly.
I fart.
"Stop!" Robber 1 snaps angrily.
"No, I'm pooping. Quit interrupting me and leave." I say angrily. "Or I'll make this worse. And call the cops during a poop." I say with amused anger.
His jaw drops, as do the other two robbers. Then they walk out in unison. I finish my restroom break. Step outside. They're arguing about trying to kill me. It's a funny enough conversation I make a livestream of it.
"Dude, his mom said if we kill him, we get the house!" Robber 1 says angrily. "He poops, he's alive!"
"Yeah, but like… is he really alive? He's too happy. He could be a robot." Robber 2 says tensely.
"He's alive! He's too weird! Robots have patterns! He doesn't, he's alive!" Robber 1 says angrily.
"Okay, but what if we like… justify killing him cause he poops." Robber 2 says with a chuckle.
Then God interferes. Literally I hallucinate or something as SWAT shows up, and actually does their job! Fuck yeah, 'Murica! Until it got lame. SWAT just lectures them like Preachers while at best just smacking them upside the head.
"You need to poop too, it's human. Your skin is darker than it should be cause you need to poop. Admit it, you're criminally orange." SWAT Officer says sternly.
"No, I'm tanned." Orange Robber says tensely.
He swipes his hand left as if to pass it on. The Officer sighs.
"Just go home, Robert. You have a job." Officer says sternly.
"No, I don't. I'm. On. Unemployment." Robert the Orange Guy says tensely.
He chokes on his words as he says those last three ones. It's odd to me. Cause this is when bug theory for me really starts as death. Cause this just sets the pattern for what I do now. I watch life go by, death go by, and if it's bad enough, I might step outside to lecture myself. If I feel like it. I'm impulsive about it. Or I'll be lazy and just do a reddit rant about it. At least everyone can potentially see it then.
Well, it doesn't end here. The guy that got stabbed in the throat? He's dead on my front porch. And I've got to get rid of the body and soul. By force. A Clockwork Android appeared.
"Your responsibility. All of it. Make it right. By your discretion." he says seriously.
The sky turns red and the sinner's skin turns black and his eyes are red. He looks at me fearfully.
"Don't make me a Demon." he says miserably.
"Get out my house, and I'll consider it." I say angrily.
He doesn't move. He's standing in front of me in my front room. With me between him and the front door. I try moving around him to where he's in the middle. He criminally goes deeper into the house. Beating time. I start swinging wildly. The house burns down, the Criminal gets to punch me. It calms me for some reason.
God shows up.
"He's justified, you're beating up a corpse. Just take him home. Politely." he says sternly.
"No, let me drive his car." Criminal says nervously.
"What? I hate that." I say angrily.
"Do it, you murdered him." God says angrily.
It felt like a scam. Until my leftie hand compulsively handed him the keys. While rightie politely stopped to give me my house keys. Then he got to own my car for a week. Cause a hallucination of a judge from a Clockwork Android showed up and said "He owns your car for a week cause you stabbed him in the throat. Walk to work."
I sigh angrily, this is bullshit.
But life went on in the War of Heaven and Hell on Earth.