It was funny meeting Jacob because all week I heard about his escapades. I wasn't there, I watched while it was on the news. On instagram, reddit, everything basically. From too afar. There are too many memes about him. That are based.
They even draw him as a chad every time, even when he loses a fight. He still looks based.
In his head, to God, it all started cause he knew he could make losing cool. That's the joke that wins him a girlfriend no matter what. Cause he fought for a good cause. Any cause, even just Abortion or something.
He's a good man that's willing to punch you in the mouth when you're evil. And he justifies it by playing with morality like the weight on his body. Like the dog Okami from videogame land. Roll with me on this.
The reason I had to take the money back is surprisingly complex. Based on what he explained to me.
Jacob is an average sized man who is muscular and a bit chubby. He's good looking, fights well, and works. It's bullshit, him working too hard gets him robbed.
But then Jacob himself finds a new job so fucking r@#$%^&* God justifies beatings if he does it too hard. Which is being a Karma Killer.
"Yeah, so like. I just based my beatings on if God would let me. I didn't care if I didn't have proof, time travel happens if God won't let me beat him up. So I just beat people up to see if time travel happened cause I was a bad kid." Jacob says bluntly.
We stare at each other for a long time. He stares at me, bewildered. I am restraining myself. By arguing with God in my head. Cause God is begging me to beat up Jacob, and I don't want to.
"Cause why you'd let him do it?" I think wryly.
"Do it, I didn't let him. Nobody liked those guys." God says angrily.
"Cause they're dicks God, let it go." Jacob says wryly.
Both our fists are compelled to hit him a lot.
"GOODDD! GODD! COME ON, GOD! THEY DESERVED IT FOR HYPOTHETICAL THINGS THEY DID, OTHERWISE THEY WOULD'VE STOPPED ME!" Jacob argues tensely.
We still beat him. A lot. He gets knocked unconscious by his own hand. Cause I could only justify three hits, God made Jacob do the work to himself. With righty.
"Righty, why listen to God? We should ignore him and jerk off." Jacob argues amusedly.
He just gets too. And I leave cause that's cringe.
I come back the next day cause I have nothing better to do. He's still being crazy anyway. By refusing to admit I'm human, and acknowledging time travel too hard.
"I was there with that gay kid that kept suiciding to avoid paying his rent." Jacob says amusedly.
We both snicker.
"Please tell me there was more to it than that." I say bitterly.
"Nope, he just avoided a job too hard with all those suicide threats." Jacob laughs.
We both laugh. Then he siddles up to me too hard with a black widow's grin.
"Soooo Mister Angel of Death. I want to know what heaven is like." Jacob says with inquisitive warmth.
"We're all here on Earth, there's no Heaven or Hell." I say calmly.
Jacob's eyes wide, and he looks around a bit.
"That makes a lot of sense actually." Jacob says, amazed.
He literally stares at the sun, pondering for a minute.
"Fuck you sun. You're an Angel trying to melt my tv cause you're mad I jerked off with the window shade open on accident." Jacob says angrily.
The Sun grows something like a cartoon face with flaming blue suns for eyes. And pouts.
"Jacob, it wasn't me, quit blaming God. There's like, two thousand mirrors pointed at your house. Go break them. Lucius, help out. They're also trying to kill the planet and blame it on Jacob's farts." Sun God says annoyedly.
We both just stare with awe. Then laugh for like five minutes. Then just walk around, chatting while breaking too many mirrors that were lying around. We didn't even break them all. After like five, I just got bored of it.
I just wanted Jacob. He's fun to be around. He has a good personality. And he's nice.
We end up just sitting on some guy's stone steps, taking a smoke break. I try to sit too close to him cause I want him. He notices at last, and wraps his arm around me.
I barely remember the conversations we had. It got quiet at that part honestly. It was small talk. While I just enjoyed his warmth.
Until a bag goes over my head. And Jacob pulls out a gun. It's information. And threats.
"I know you're immortal. Fuck me or I'll torture you for fun." He says angrily.
It was a sad twist of fate to see a man turn criminal so fast. My own magic just wins it. I burn through the bag with sheer malefic heat. See Jacob's face, and punch him in the throat. Then I rip the bag off and walk away.
He tries shooting me in the back, but his gun won't even pull the trigger. He's mad.
"Dammit, this morality gun isn't helping me." Jacob says angrily.
I turn and glare at Jacob.
"What are you talking about?" I say angrily.
"This is an Executioner's Gun. It knows who to murder. It's a shame you aren't a sinner. I wanted another death on my hands." Jacob says darkly.
I glare at him, filled with remorse and disappointment. Then… I just walk away. As God makes Jacob beat himself up. And lecture himself. About anything. With a hero in his head. I listen too hard to who that man is.
The man in him is who I loved. To where I'd chase him down. For love. It's a videogame character I wish was real. And Jacob does too so he could stab him. It's some guy named Adol. An Adventurer, it seems.
"He was gonna marry you. I felt the vibe. You ruined it!" Adol snaps angrily.
"I don't care, I want to kill people! I hate humanity!" Jacob snaps with defiant rage.
Then something magical and insane happened. They split into two people before my eyes. While standing over Jacob's dead body. And God spoke to me.
"He has a personality disorder. The demons are trying to consume his body. And he's fighting back. Just… be nice to him when he calms down. None of this is normal. His own body is criminal, while the brain is kind." he says seriously.
Then it got weirder. As I watched people in droves step out of their house. And start arguing with him. I won't speak their words clearly, but I'll say what they did in general. They tried making him justify crimes. Like pedophilia. And rape.
And honestly. They shouldn't have done that.
"I get to murder you all now." Jacob says with malefic fury.
I felt the Adventurer speak that line. It's a battle for a man's soul. And I'm winning it.With him.
I felt a blessing of God hit me, and my black wings unfurled behind me. And suddenly, I had a flaming sword.
Then they all just vanished. And Jacob laid on the ground, staring up angrily at the heavens. As Demons within his soul argued with him.
"You don't need a job! Just rob nig@@s!" Jacob's Demon says angrily.
"Shut up, I'll kill you too." Adol says coldly.
Jacob punches himself. It's… a breakdown I have to… witness. I just have to hope he wins. Cause he gets a phone call.
"My ex-girlfriend? What the?" Jacob says, confused.
He answers it. Listens to a few words.
"Bitch, I'm not paying your rent. Get a job." Jacob says angrily.
He hangs up the phone. And just… keeps pouting. As his body seizes up. And shakes. Intensely. I sit beside him, staring down kindly. Holding his hand.
"Please don't be a fucking loser. Fight to be a good man." I say, tearing up.
"I'm trying. The body is cheating. It's literally refusing to work for me. This all started cause my body claims I should retire early cause everyone else sucks at work. But I can't justify that, cause I need to eat. And smoke weed." Jacob says bitterly.
I chuckle at that. Then it's a full on laugh. We're both laughing. And he's crying. From embarrassment. He beats himself up, and sprints down the road. Crying. Screaming at himself to-
"GO TO WORRRKKKK! WE CAN'T JUST ABANDON OURSELVES!" He screams with miserable fury.
… I just have to let him fight his own battle. He runs too hard. Cause he doesn't want to be watched during this horrendous mental breakdown. I just hope my hero wins.
I still watched him a bit. I just prayed to God every day he'd be okay. And one day, it turned out it was true. A month later. We were both just in line at a store. I was ignoring him, and I felt bad. I wanted him again. But I needed to know he was sane.
All I got was the tip he was still working. But his hand breaks the glass by a convulsion to steal a weed vape. And he has to fight what he calls "Criminal Rightie" by smacking his hand a lot with his left. And opening his wallet with only his left hand.
It's sad and hysterical. I have to watch a man I love fight his own body now. I'm getting him eventually. I don't care if he keeps avoiding me cause he's embarrassed by his own stupid, criminal body.
I see a worker and a hero inside him somewhere. And they better win.