It was a surprisingly great case. Too great, it was Hades himself. He wasn't even really dead, we're all just going back home. Hell, he got younger. It was weird, he's 34 now.
"Is it cause our healing factors activate when we die harder?" I ask tiredly.
It was 1AM on a Tuesday. I had teleported there by mistake. My Master called to me to help walk him home after he got robbed. I got there so fast, it was basically a teleport. Especially because I spawned in the middle of the road. I helped him still.
It was slightly a mistake. Cause nothing happened. He was mad. Cause it wasn't a good Hades moment. This Hades was a drunken buffoon that night. He was criticizing how casual this was.
"Quit coping with this being us still alive. Tell me I get to rest." Hades says angrily.
I roll my eyes. It wasn't as great as I thought, now that I think about it. He was just civilized. Until he wasn't. The Gambler in Hades came out. And he was pissed. Cause he didn't even buy he and I could be Reapers. Right now anyway. He had retired too long. The Veil is up. He doesn't believe in the magic anymore.
"I'm mortal, you're mortal! You should be dead!" Hades says angrily.
"Hades, what are you talking about?" I say annoyedly.
"My name is Robert Sterns. And you should be dead, you crazy fuck!" Hades yells angrily.
"Why?" I ask confusedly.
"I asked… Zeus to hit you with a thunderbolt." Hades says hesitantly.
"So you remember magic land is real enough to get Zeus to hit me with a thunderbolt?" I say bitterly.
I remember more now. The thunderbolt is what teleported me there to begin with. When you get struck with artificial lightning, you ride the whip. Cause it's a long metal cord arcing with lightning that hit me. And it just yoinked me over there.
I literally crushed the guy that had it. I feel the back of my clothes. Moist. I check my hands. Red. Magic land is bullshit. My consciousness just laughed.
"Where's Zeus?" Hades asks nervously.
"Who cares? He was never there." I joke wryly.
He glares at me, his head hurting with confusion. I laugh.
"Why are you lying? I saw what happened." Hades says angrily.
"Yeah, but will they believe you?" I ask with dark humor and cockiness.
He glares at me. And the simulation undoes itself. He time travels in his mind by lecturing himself on what not to do. And reality unwrites itself. Cause why not? I allow it, it's funny. Especially cause he rewinds time so hard I get my weekend back. HAH! Hilarious.
This is Death a lot, kids. They figure out how to live longer with time travel. That's why Immortality is real. We're supposed to move someday. Or become so fucking badass, nobody dares to care.
Cause Gods are people that don't have to care. Like Michael Fey. The Movie Director obsessed with real explosions. Cause he can survive them. I'm not even joking, we can survive explosions sometimes. He rigged my gas station and a weed shop to blow once. And I was there both times, buying weed. And he hated that. He slapped semtex to my chest. It was bullshit.
We were the only people to admit we didn't die. They didn't even work right, they just cause Earthquakes. And everyone called in sick to work for a week, claiming they're dead. It was dumb.
Then I walked around with Michael Fey, trying to be his boyfriend. Cause he's cute and we kept fucking with our fellow Immortals.
"You need to go to work! You owe Michael Fey money for Godcrilla 3!" I say angrily.
"Yeah, what he said!" Fey says happily.
He slaps semtex on him. He hits the detonator. His body shakes intensely for a moment. Then he pulls out his phone, and calls into work. I look at Fey.
"Can we blow up his house?" I say warmly.
"No, property damage is rude. They can sue." Fey says tensely. "Also go away, you're a bad influence. I didn't even check their ID, they might not owe me money."
A Clockwork Android showed up and glared at me. It held out a hand.
"Five dollars. That was unnecessary and cruel." he says sternly.
It gets automatically deducted from my debit card.
"Fuccckkkkk!" I say angrily.
Fey cries when the Robot holds his hand to him next.
"Two million for all your crimes. Like stolen military equipment." Clockwork Android says angrily.
"I'm broke." Fey says angrily.
They checked his bank account. Fey committed suicide to activate time travel. I woke up in my bed two days earlier.
A loop started. A time loop where God told me to guide Michael Fey to his death, or make the time loop stop. I chose making the time loop stop. By just admitting I could get away with doing nothing enough times to where he goes mentally insane.
I live a normal anti-social life for twenty time loops. Then I show up the 21st day of the loop.
"So like, are you sick of time travel yet? Cause I am. I want to go to work eventually." I say angrily.
Fey looks at me, confused and angry.
"You were really there the first time? This is Groundhogs Day?" Fey says tensely.
"Yup. It's Groundhogs Day. And I'm bored of it. Are you bored and depressed enough to discuss how you should do anything else? Or do you need to time travel more?" I say, bored and angry.
He throws a bomb at me. I don't die. It just goes off. I feel the vibrations, but I don't die. It's that simple. He kills himself with a bomb. Time loop goes off. I'm back in bed. I go outside to smoke weed for too long. Why? He's Michael Fey, millionaire movie director. I bet he can pay people to stalk us so I just sit outside too hard to draw him out.
It works too well. Cause the Time Loop resets at 3AM. Because I was outside my house, staring at the moon. When he blew up my house. And the whole neighborhood lived even though he had apparently according to a vision I got from God. Which he lectured me about.
Cause I let it happen, I admit. He stuffed my room with a room of TNT that looked like it belonged out of a cartoon scene. And blew up my house with the equivalent of 3 megatons of force or some shit.
We all lived. Everyone called in to work again. And Michael Fey decided to give up time travel. Cause-
"Well, at least you're fucking homeless Lucius Dehaviell. Fucking douchey immortal." Fey says angrily.
My Mother cries "RAAAPPPPEEEE!" And instead we time travel to invent the hoe reality Michael Fey and I get instead. Which is Maidens of Appeasement to distract us from destroying society forever.
Every time. Suddenly a guy on a roleplay server I hang out on wanted to talk to me all day on the phone about how stupid life was. It was great. I'm keeping that conversation private cause it's lame and casual. Except the end.
"Hey, I gotta go. Michael Fey promised we're done time traveling. He's gonna quit killing himself." Xavier says quickly.
"Huh, what?" I say confusedly.
He hung up immediately. And then life went too quiet. Cause of the next youtube video that played. Where the news channels and every youtuber was admitting time travel was real. And we knew that if anyone famous kills themselves, we do a time loop cause too many people love them to let them die.
It's not even a joke. We reset so hard all the time. The only deaths that get to be canon are of people we all hate. Otherwise, time travel loops happen. Hell, they'll happen if the guy isn't a fucking pussy ass bitch.
To the point it's based. Just wait till the next chapter, boys and girls. This guy, Jacob Deatrix, is so fucking based. He defies death all the time. For no reason. And sometimes all the reasons. He's a Moralist Dickhead.
Cause he fucks with the Weight of Death. He's a Martial Artist Genius of Death. Every human has a realm they're an expert in. And he and I are both Death. We know how to win fights and kill y'all.
He's the best one in this town though. He's the Immortal that made reality bend to him. Due to being too Morally based. He has managed to justify murder. And robbery. Because of how fucked up the other people were.
Sometimes he spares you to justify robbing you. Cause he takes advantage of Adventurer logic in stupid ways. It's hysterical. He justifies robbing people that try to rob him. By saying they're criminal, and fuck them, I'm an Adventurer like Tidus. It's fucking hysterical, I love it. It doesn't even work, he got fined for it once. When they actually bothered to catch him.
Funnily enough, God thought it was so funny he let him keep the money for three days. Then I had to go meet Jacob officially to get it back. Cause God stopped laughing long enough to admit it.
"Alright Lucius, he doesn't deserve that money. Get it back from him." God says, laughing through the words.