If you're reading this, you'd better have a bloody good reason for doing so.
Because if I find out you've been nosing about in my diary, I'll shove you screaming into the void where the Old Twit will nibble on your soul for the rest of eternity. Don't think I won't do it! Because I will.
So, think very carefully about whether you want to keep reading or do the sensible thing and put my diary back on my desk and get out of my house. I'm sure I never invited you in. And if I did, I'm officially uninviting you right this instant!
I can't stand people who invade another person's privacy.
It's deplorable.
Utterly deplorable.
I hope you feel very ashamed of what you're doing.
Anyway. If you do have good reason, you may continue. But know that Noodle is watching you. I know you think he's an ordinary looking black kitten with strange purple eyes, but that's what he wants you to think.
He's actually a very nasty little creature I picked up on my travels within the void. No, it wasn't deliberate. While he looks like a kitten, he's more like a cosmic flea.
Or the pox.
But I'm not going to tell him to go away until he wants to.
Because I'm not an idiot.
One does not tell a void-born entity what to do. Not unless one is seeking to have their soul sipped through a straw, spat out, sipped through a straw again, spat out again, and so on and so on until the end of time.
Not that Noodle would use a straw.
He prefers to dice you up with his claws and let each of his mouths have a piece of you. How many mouths does he have? I've counted up to forty-seven, once. Add to that his fifty-three eyes and occasional eruptions of wriggly tentacles of unknown number, and you have a creature you should know very well to leave alone.
And if you're STILL reading, then you must be very desperate to know all about me indeed. I applaud your backbone. Not many people these days have backbone. Soft bottoms are what they have. From all that sitting down at desks.
I know Waggenrook is home to the Mage Guild, but I don't think it should have become home to every petty little bureaucrat in the country.
Which reminds me.
If you're a bureaucrat, Noodle will eat you on the way out no matter what. I gave him very strict instructions on that.
Well.
Not quite instructions.
Permissions?
No, that's not it either.
Encouragement. Yes, that's close enough.
I gave him very strict encouragement when it comes to bureaucrats and wanted it to be very clear that I will not tolerate one leaving my home alive.
Still here?
Well. Aren't you very hard to get rid of? I'm sure if I know you socially, I don't like you. I can't stand people who buzz all around me like flies. You're obviously a very irritating person indeed.
Really you are.
Now, stop it.
Stop reading my diary!
Bah. I'll deal with you when I get home.
And I will, you know. I enchanted it so I'll know exactly who picks it up and which pages they looked at. I will know exactly who you are, where you live, and what your shoe size is. I'll even know where you shop for biscuits.
Still reading?
You're really starting to upset me now. Honestly, I haven't been this upset since the day I kicked the emperor all the way up between his legs. And I don't care what anyone says about it, he deserved to have his unmentionables mentioned in the same sentence as crushed.
He should have given me my reward when I killed the Dark Lord of the North for him. He promised me a mountain of gold and a tower in Waggenrook. Not a piddly little sack of mixed currency and a hilltop fort in Scania.
What would I do with a fort?
In Scania?
It rains all the time in Scania and the only bloody reason anyone goes there is to herd their bloody sheep up and down all over the place!
I'm a mage, not a farmer!
And as for his giving me a little sack of mixed currency? Well. That deserved more than a kick in his sack, I tell you. Some of that silver was Freinsch.
Worthless degenerate currency.
That's what you're being paid to read my diary, aren't you? A petty little fistful of Freinsch deniers, I'd wager. Probably worth less than one of my socks. And if you're now thinking to steal my socks on your way out, then you'd best get your head in order, champ.
Because I won't stand for that.
Not at all.
It's positively ungrateful. I could have dropped you into the void by now if I'd wanted to. But I was being patient with you. I was giving you a chance to redeem yourself by putting my diary down!
Honestly.
You're so annoying.
Well. If you ARE going to read it, you might as well start at the beginning…