"Noah, why you dressed up like you're about to go on a damn date?"
The voice cut through the evening air, followed by a chorus of chuckles.
A group of boys standing near the entrance of the local mall, their laughter blending into the city's noise—passing cars, the occasional shout from street vendors, a faint bass from some kid's speaker across the way.
Among them stood Noah. Average build, decent face, nothing movie-star level but just enough presence to stand out. He usually rocked a hoodie, but tonight he had ditched it for a plain white shirt tucked into slim black pants. His black hair was messy in that half-wolfcut style—already grown too long since he last touched it up, modeled after some underground indie artist nobody gives a fuck about except him.
His eyes were a flat, midnight black, empty of color, with faint shadows bruised underneath—clear proof of too many late nights and not enough sleep.
He tilted his chin up, smug. "Y'all ugly fucks stay hating. An hour from now, I got a date with the hottest milf any of you losers could ever dream of. Meanwhile, your ugly asses are staying miserable."
That earned a wave of laughter.
Zach, tall and broad-shouldered, clutched his stomach. "Yeah, sure. The 'hottest milf,' right? I bet the only thing waiting for you is some big buff guy named Carlos. He gon' rearrange your organs. Safe travels, king."
"Bro, what?" Noah's voice cracked with indignation. "Who told y'all I found her on a dating app?!"
Jay, the one who started it, snorted so hard he almost wheezed. "Stop the cap, man. You the horniest motherfucker alive. If it got curves, you shooting your shot."
The whole circle nodded.
Elijah, a short guy with a sharp tongue, leaned forward with a smirk. "Remember back in middle school when he kept flirting with Señora Lopez, the Spanish teacher? Bro almost got her fired. Man was calling her mi amor with Google Translate Spanish."
The group erupted, slapping knees, pointing fingers.
Noah's face twisted, but he doubled down. "Man, y'all acting like I was wrong. Didn't you hear what Shakira said? Hips don't lie. That ass was practically begging for compliments...."
Jay clutched his chest dramatically. "He really thought he was Enrique Iglesias when he couldn't even conjugate a verb."
Elijah added fuel. "Nah, remember when he asked my mom if she was single? At the PTA meeting? Bro deadass said, 'If you're single, you're ready to mingle.' In front of my dad."
The crowd exploded again. Even random people walking past turned their heads at the volume of their laughter.
Noah shrugged like a martyr. "And? Your mom's fine as hell. Y'all want me to lie and say she ugly? Nah. I respect beauty, that's all. Is it wrong to admire God's creation? If I'm wrong, may God strike me down right now."
At that very moment, thunder cracked overhead, a deep rumbling that rolled through the humid night sky.
The boys howled, backing away like they'd witnessed divine wrath.
"aight, stop that, Noah," Zach said
Jay's eyes went wide. "Bro, stop swearing like that! You're gonna get us all in trouble one day!"
Noah's face lit up with stubborn fire. "The fuck you mean? I'm speaking the truth!" He jabbed his finger toward them, eyes wild. "When the NBA scouts a freshman, everybody claps. But when I preorder Jay's little sister, suddenly I'm the villain? Hypocrites! That's what y'all are!"
The group went feral.
Jay shoved him hard, nearly dropping his drink. "DON'T BRING MY SISTER INTO THIS!"
Zach doubled over, tears leaking from his eyes. "Nah this is crazy."
Elijah wheezed, hands on his knees. "Nah, he really defending pedo moves with basketball metaphors. This is insane."
Noah held his ground, chest puffed like a prophet in the middle of a sermon. "All I'm saying is—admiring beauty is not a crime! Milf, freshman, cougar, college girl, yoga instructor, single moms, divorcees, the aunties with fat asses in the supermarket—what's wrong with giving them the attention they deserve? Y'all calling me names when deep down you're scared to speak your mind."
Jay, red in the face, nearly swung. "Jealous? Bro, I hope your dick falls off."
Zach shook his head.
Elijah threw his arm around Jay. "Don't worry, man. If Noah actually makes it to his so-called milf date, it'll probably end with him on a missing poster. Organ harvested, no kidneys, no nuts."
Noah smirked, unbothered, brushing lint off his shirt. "We'll see. When I come back tomorrow walking funny, it won't be 'cause I lost organs. It'll be 'cause I broke hers."
The air smelled of fried chicken from a nearby stall, people passing by with shopping bags and giggling at the sight of the loud boys roasting each other. Cars crawled along the busy street, headlights flashing, horns blaring, but Noah stood at the center like he was born for the spotlight.
Hands in his pockets, chin raised, Noah kept spitting. "Man, y'all sound like haters. Lebron still hoopin' at forty, people call it greatness. But when I give thirty- and forty-year-old single moms the same respect, suddenly I'm a bad guy? Nah. I'm respecting greatness too."
"Hell nah." Jay slapped his thigh, laughing. "This is not the same thing."
Zach added, "One day, if God really smites you, I swear I won't even ask why. I'll just nod like, 'Yeah, that checks out.'"
Noah spread his arms, mock preacher voice booming across the sidewalk. "I'm out here doing God's work. These single moms? They're stressed. Abandoned. Wounded. I'm healing them—mind, body, soul."
The group froze.
Elijah squinted at him. "...The fuck? So by that logic—since your dad died last year… doesn't that mean your stepmom too?"
For a moment, silence. Then Noah's face turned stone blank.
"Who said she isn't?"
The boys all shouted at once. "WHAT THE FUCK—"
He cut through them, voice rising over the chaos. "I don't discriminate! Thick, thin, all love. Young teens, young moms, old moms, gym moms, divorced moms—shit, even my stepmother."
The circle scattered in disbelief, clutching their heads.
"Noah—no, bro—"
But he wasn't done. His eyes burned with conviction. "Y'all act like I said something bad. Nah. I'll say it again. If she got a pulse and a plump ass, I got love to give. Young, old, married, widowed, divorced—don't matter. If she built like heaven, I'll risk hell. If she got a ring, I'll kiss it. If she got a kid, I'll be their new fuckin' dad. I'll walk into Thanksgiving like, 'Pass the yams and call me Daddy.'"
"Yo… yo… nah… This man lost his soul."
Noah's grin stretched wider. "Is God gonna forbid a young man from admiring His creation? When David saw Bathsheba in the Bible, what'd he do? He didn't say, 'Oh nah, I'll wait 'til she older!' No! He said, 'Damn!' and started a whole war for that ass!"
Elijah screamed, voice cracking. "NOAH, WHA—"
Noah's voice thundered like a prophet gone mad. "And Solomon—y'all hear me? Solomon had seven hundred wives! Seven! Hundred! And three hundred concubines! I'm just tryna hit a soft two-digit number and suddenly I'm Satan?!"
Zach collapsed against the bubble tea shop window, wheezing so hard he could barely stand. "This motherfucker said two-digit like it's humble."
The boys had tried—God knows they tried—to rein Noah in, but once he got rolling, he was unstoppable.
He threw his arms out wide like he was on a stage, his voice carrying across the plaza in front of the mall. People slowed their steps, turning their heads. Some paused with shopping bags dangling from their wrists. Others pulled out their phones, recording the scene like it was street theater.
"I don't accept this!" Noah bellowed. His shirt clung to his chest from the humid night air, sweat shining at his collarbones, but he didn't care. "Y'all try to silence me, but I will not be silenced! For years—YEARS—I have put up with my sexy-ass stepmom walking around the house in yoga pants, ass so fat it deserves its own zip code. Do you know the pain of pretending to watch Netflix while the devil herself is bending over to 'pick up laundry' in front of you? Do you know the years of restraint I've endured?!"
Jay lunged forward, covering his mouth with both hands. "BRO, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Noah ripped free, pushing Jay back, wild-eyed. "No! My time is now! You will NOT rob me of this destiny! You think I got dressed up in black slacks and this clean-ass white shirt to sit here and be quiet? Nah. Tonight, I'm about to rearrange the spine of the finest milf this city has to offer. Her kids gon' hear their mama screaming my name like it's bedtime prayers!"
A mother walking past gasped so loud it turned heads. She covered her daughter's ears and dragged her away, muttering, "Disgusting! Absolutely disgusting!"
An old lady nearby clutched her shopping cart, murmuring what sounded like a prayer or a curse. "Lord, deliver us from this filth… deliver us from this wicked child…"
Noah spun, pointing at her. "Ma'am, even you know I'm right! If God didn't want me to notice fat asses, He wouldn't have made them jiggle like that!"
Elijah collapsed against the wall, wheezing into his hoodie. "I'm gonna fucking piss myself—"
Zach, red in the face, stormed forward and shoved him hard in the shoulder. "DUDE, ENOUGH! You're gonna get us locked up, man! Look around!"
And look around they did. Half the plaza had turned their attention toward them. A couple of teens snickered and started chanting, "Go Noah, go Noah!" A security guard near the doors had already lifted his walkie-talkie, muttering into it.
Noah didn't stop. He raised a finger like a preacher at a pulpit. "On my soul—no, on ALL our souls—I say this truth: Jay's little sister? She's a baddie. Don't act like you haven't noticed. I'm speaking for all of us!"
Jay's jaw dropped, eyes bulging. "WHAT?!"
Zach nearly ripped his hair out. "Who the fuck is WE? Bro speaking French now—'we, we, we!' Shut the hell up before I knock you out!"
Jay, red-faced and trembling, shoved him harder this time. "Don't you EVER bring my sister into your horny-ass sermons again, you demon!"
Noah stumbled, caught himself, and spun dramatically, pointing at his chest. "I'm just the messenger! Y'all too scared to admit the truth, so I'll bear the burden! She walks by in those shorts and the whole room goes quiet. I SAW YOUR EYES, JAY! You can't fool me—you're her brother but even you noticed!"
The crowd roared with mixed laughter and outrage. A group of teens doubled over on their skateboards. Meanwhile, an older man muttered, "Somebody call the cops. This kid needs to be put down."
The security guard finally started jogging toward them, radio crackling.
Jay shoved him again. "I swear to God, Noah, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
But Noah only doubled down, eyes blazing, spittle flying. "I will not shut up! I've been silent too long! Every milf at Planet Fitness, every divorcee at Zumba, every widow at Sunday service—they ALL deserve love. And who's brave enough to give it? ME!"
Zach tried to grab him in a headlock, but Noah thrashed, throwing his arms around like he was fighting for freedom. "These women are suffering! Their men left, their men died, their men got soft! I'm out here bringing salvation!"
By now, several mothers were dragging their children away, covering their ears like it was the apocalypse. One teenager livestreaming it on Instagram could barely keep his phone steady from laughing.
Elijah, curled up by a planter, squealed, "Oh my God, oh my God, I can't—Zach, knock him out, bro, please!"
Zach wrapped his arms around Noah, trying to haul him backward. "Shut the fuck up, Noah, before we ALL end up in the station tonight!"
Noah kicked against the ground, shouting into the night like a prophet gone feral. "If loving milfs is a crime, then lock me up! If craving stepmoms is a sin, then damn me to hell! I'll die on this hill!"
The crowd shrieked, half horrified, half cackling. The security guard broke into a run, yelling, "HEY! YOU KIDS! CUT THAT SHIT OUT!"
Noah only screamed louder, his voice echoing off the mall walls.
Zach grabbed him again, desperate. "Noah! Bro, please—think about the cops! Think about your LIFE!"
Noah shoved him off, his eyes wild, face flushed. "You know what? Ask me what I'd do if I was president."
"NO!" Jay shouted. "Nobody's asking you SHIT!"
Noah jabbed a finger at his chest anyway. "I'll tell you! First law? Every milf gets a stipend—a 'stress relief' fund. And who's the distributor? Me. Personally. House visits. Daily inspections. If you're a single mom, congratulations—you just got yourself a government dick appointment!"
The crowd erupted in disbelief.
"Second law!" He raised two fingers high. "Every stepmom in this country gets tax breaks the bigger their ass is. Flat asses pay double. Fat asses eat free."
"NOAH STOP!" Elijah screamed, doubling over.
Noah's grin spread like madness. "And the third? Mandatory titty Tuesdays. National holiday. You don't flash, you get fined. I'll heal this country one fat ass at a time!"
His voice cracked, hoarse, but he still screamed into the night. "You think I'm crazy, but history will remember me as the only man brave enough to say the truth! MILFS DESERVE LOVE! STEP MOMS DESERVE DICK! TEEN BAD—"
BOOM.
The sound shattered the air. A shockwave rippled through the plaza, rattling glass, shaking the pavement. People screamed, scattering in every direction. Smoke billowed where Noah had stood.
And where his body had been—there was nothing.
Just a smoking crater in the concrete. And his fucking shoes.Still standing upright. One of them was on fire.
.
.
.
Jay's mouth hung open, face pale. "Noah…?"
Zach stepped forward cautiously, squinting through the smoke. "…Bro?"
No answer. Just the faint hiss of burning rubber.
Elijah spun in a circle, eyes wide, hands in his hair. "OH MY FUCKING GOD!"
Jay stumbled back, pointing at the crater. "He got sent straight to Horny Hell…"
Zach clutched his chest, gasping like he'd run a marathon. "This man really died for his belief."
Jay wiped a tear, shaking his head. "Gone too soon. Never even got to fuck someone's mom."
A pause. Then Jay added under his breath, "Maybe he did yours though."
Zach snapped his head around. "HEY—!"