{My bad if some of the dialog looks funky, I wrote this mostly high on caffeine and will proudly continue to do so unti convinced otherwise😌}
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Adrian Bateman had been a prodigy at everything—except, apparently, *not* dying tragically young in his Batman pajamas.
Piano? By twelve, he played like a concert pianist who'd sold his soul to Mozart. Guitar? Effortless. MMA? National champion before he could legally drink, which made explaining his black eyes to teachers *real* fun. He could read people like open books—unfortunately, most of those books were either *"How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days"* or *"Why Love is a Lie."*
And then life decided to prove the latter right.
First, his mother's laughter faded, stolen by sickness. Then his father—a man who tried his best, God love him—hung on just long enough to see Adrian graduate before politely exiting the stage of life.
So there Adrian was: a golden boy with a trophy case full of talents and an emotional void the size of Texas.
Enter: *Her.*
The woman of his dreams.
(Or, more accurately, the woman of *someone else's* dreams, because *of course* she was taken. The universe had a *hilarious* sense of irony.)
Cue: a depression so deep even his therapist needed a therapist.
And then, just to really twist the knife, his heart went:
*"You know what? I'm out."*
No dramatic last words. No slow-motion collapse. Just a soggy, rain-soaked death at twenty-three, alone in his Batman pajamas.
**Classy.**
---
**BUT WAIT!**
Because the universe wasn't done screwing with him yet.
**FLASH.**
Adrian gasped as air—*real, suspiciously pine-scented air*—filled his lungs. His vision cleared to reveal…
A deer.
**Staring. At. Him.**
**"WHAT THE ACTUAL—"**
He scrambled backward, hands sinking into mud, Batman PJs now officially a lost cause. The trees around him loomed like they were judging his previous life choices.
A voice, smooth as a vampire's skincare routine, cut through his panic.
**"You're finally awake."**
Adrian turned.
Standing there, glowing like she'd just stepped out of a L'Oréal commercial, was Esme Cullen—with a *very* concerning smear of blood on her cheek.
**Oh.**
***Oh no.***
**"what are you doing? I thought you wanted to feed on the doe?,"** she said, tilting her head.
Adrian's brain blue-screened.
**"Uh… I got distracted?"** *Smooth. Real smooth, Bateman.*
Esme just smiled, wiping the blood away like it was a misplaced dab of foundation. **"Mmm. Hurry along. I've got a surprise for you."** Then she *zoomed* off—because vampires don't *walk* like peasants—leaving Adrian alone with a deer that looked *way* too unimpressed for something that was almost lunch a second ago.
**"What are *you* looking at?"** he snapped.
The doe blinked, clearly thinking, *"Is this the guy that really tried to eat me?"*
Adrian groaned and stumbled toward a nearby pond, praying his reflection wouldn't scream *"Isekai Protagonist"* back at him.
Nope. Same face. Same him. Just… younger. And still in *Batman pajamas*.
**"Oh, fantastic. The universe just Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V'd me into *Twilight*,"** he muttered. **"Could've at least given me a leather jacket."**
He trudged toward the Cullen house—because where else would he go?—barefoot, because apparently *footwear* was too much to ask for in this cosmic joke.
Then—**chill.**
Not the *"I forgot my jacket"* kind. The *"there's a ghost silently judging my life choices"* kind.
**"You're not supposed to be here,"** whispered Not-Adrian, flickering like a bad Wi-Fi connection.
Adrian yelped. **"What the—?!"**
**"This was *my* life. *My* family,"** Ghost-Adrian said, eyes full of tragic backstory. **"You stole it from me."**
**"I didn't *ask* to be isekai'd into Sparkly, disco Vampire land!"**
Ghost-Adrian faded, but not without a final, ominous screech
**"Cool. Coolcoolcool. NOT COOL—"**
The front door swung open.
**"Adrian?"** Esme stood there, smiling like she hadn't just witnessed him arguing with thin air. **"You're dawdling. Come inside—everyone's waiting."**
*Everyone.*
Adrian's stomach dropped to his (still bare) feet.
Inside, seven pairs of glowing vampire eyes locked onto him.
Carlisle, looking like a benevolent cult leader, nodded. **"Good morning, Adrian."**
Edward's head tilted. **"You're… louder than usual."**
*Oh, right. Mind-reading. Fantastic.*
Adrian's brain, ever helpful, immediately started screaming:
*"DON'T THINK ABOUT TWILIGHT FANFICTION. DON'T THINK ABOUT TWILIGHT FANFICTION—"*
Edward's eye twitched.
Rosalie looked like she wanted to set him on fire.
Jasper's eyebrow arched. **"You're… an interesting one."**
**"This,"** Adrian declared, **"is going to be a *disaster*."**
And for once, he was *absolutely* right.
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[this is my first and well mostly experimental fan fic. I'd love some helpful critique if you can, thanks]