The flowers in the vase dried up and the spring has long gone. It's summer now, the weather is very hot and sunny, perfect to go and get yourself a tan or if you are careless like me, a sunburn. It was a bad idea to go to a beach today I guess. Well it doesn't matter now. I looked in my bag to see if I even brought sunscreen with me or not. It's at times like these that I feel it the most, this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's almost disgusting how easily I am influenced by someone's presence or absence.
A strong sense of emptiness and coldness envoloped me as I realised once again that you are not by my side anymore. The uneasiness made me nauseous and it became increasingly difficult to breathe, even the scorching sun above my head and the hot sand beneath my feet could not make me feel any warmth. I don't know for how long I was in the same place or how much time had passed by the time someone bumped into me which made me realise two things :
One, I have been standing here motionlessly for a while now and two, I think I got sunburnt. Thanks to the stranger bumping into me that I got out of my down spiralling emotions . That coldness is gone but now I have red sunburns on my body. " Welp, there goes my plan to get a nice tan…" I mumbled as I sighed and started walking back to the parking area where I had parked my car. My whole body felt uncomfortable and it was not just my mind playing tricks with me again. Your absence has really thrown me off balance and now I cannot find my center for the time being. My family, friends and therapist say that it's a good thing that you are not here anymore but I don't particularly agree with them. Your absence is eating me alive, slowly eroding my reasons. I can't find the reason for my existence. At times like these when my emotions go downhills I can sometimes vaguely see you sitting next to me, trying to comfort me or just standing there looking at me helplessly as I mentally tear myself apart and make a mess of the things around me, you look at me helplessly and sigh as you say " you are still too dependent on me….what am I gonna do with you?".
Hmmm…maybe that's what they call ' hallucination '. I really think I should tell my therapist Miss Rita about you appearing out of thin air in front of me, teasing me and reminding me of the horrible fact that you are no longer with me, but at the same time I am afraid that if I do so then I won't be able to see you anymore, even if it's just a hallucination, I can still see you…hear you, so I can't bear to tell the therapist. I just shook my head again, rejected the thought and chose to be irrational again as I wiped my tears and took deep breaths to calm myself down. After all that I pretended that nothing happened as usual and started cleaning up all the mess I made.
By the night fall I was able to bury and lock away all those feelings deep in my mind. I made myself a cup of warm milk with honey and a dash of cinnamon. One of my friends recommended this saying it will help me sleep like a baby so tonight I wanted to give it a shot and see if this really works. As I sipped the warm milk I couldn't help but start thinking…. thinking about so many things that had happened in the past 2 or 3 months, thinking about how I slowly fell for you a complete stranger who walked into my life like it's nothing, how I fell for you to the point of no return….after thinking and more thinking I couldn't help but think 'why?' questions swirled inside my head ' why did you ever come into my life?' ' Why did I ever fall for you?' 'why did you suddenly disappear then?' after all the 'whys' there was also a 'where'. ' Where did you go?'. I couldn't help but remember the day when you suddenly left me without a trace.
The night time has now become a battlefield for me, every night as soon as I start to fall asleep the memories come back to haunt me. This actually contributed to my insomnia and the deepening of my dark circles that even my makeup can't hide them now. This time too, those bad memories from the past few months tried to drag me down with them, but I woke up, my breathing erratic and tears streaming down my face. It took a while for me to calm down, for even the smallest of things I was so used to you, it also made me realise how terrible habits are, hard to make and even harder to quit. After drowning myself in my self wallowing and self loathing, I sighed bitterly and refused to shed another tear. "What would crying do? It won't make things happen, if it did I would've cried myself blind by now." I told myself as I walked to the kitchen to make myself some coffee and wake myself up more so I won't repeat the same mistake.
After finishing my morning routine I looked at the clock to see that it was barely past 6 o'clock , so I decided to look for that book I wanted to read. I have to say that I was actually able to sleep till 4 or 5 in the morning , that milk recipe must be a miracle remedy or maybe I was just that tired that I fell asleep for those few hours then my brain decided that I have gotten the minimal amount of sleep for my body to keep functioning, and woke me up. Anyways, I kept looking for the book and almost searched the whole apartment before I found the book in the bedroom on the bedside table. Realising that this book was there all along made me want to curse but I held back so as not to dirty my mouth so early in the morning.