I don't even know how time passed as I stared at the pills in my hand. Continuously debating and denying inside my head, but I finally made a decision.
I got up grabbed the keys and went out the house. I didn't even realise that it's evening now. I spent the whole day sitting in the same spot, staring at those pills. It's such a waste of my time... usually I would have gone out and started looking for Noah or tried to distract myself but today all my attention stayed on those pills...is this some kind of sign.... I smile filled with melancholy.
I hurry to the convience store near my apartment building. The moment I enter I hear the background music, the largest popular song, I guess. I quietly walk to the stationary section first and quickly grab a notebook, it's a small but thick one, I think this will do just fine. I then walk to the food section and take some frozen food and some fruits and vegetables, then to the bakery section to grab some bread and a few sweet treats.
Adter all that shopping I am tired but I still need to do a few things. I slowly put the things where they belong but the moment my sight fell on the notebook I pause for a moment. I just let it be there on the kitchen counter top, not real intrested in this notbook...hmm? Suddenly the veggies look so adorable, should I cook something?
I distractedly make myself some pasta and salad...but my food deprived stomach prostests again.
Ugh...this is so painful...but I can't just force myself to eat it, this is just making me feel nauseous. I stared at the pitiful pasta and equally pitiful salad bowl. These past few days I have been repeating the painful process of eating and then throwing up or throwing away the food secretly. I can't let my mother and sister know about this and then become more distressed about me, I have been enough of a trouble to them for the past few years.
After dealing with the pasta and the salad I finally stop ignoring the little freshly bought notebook. I can't keep pretending that I don't see it, no matter how much I try to put it offf , I'd eventually gave to do it so why not just do it now. After cheering myself up I pick up the notebook and take it with me to the bed room. I sit on my bet and open the bed sode drawer , taking out the suppliment pill bottle.
I look at it for a while before taking the pill. After taking the suppliment I open the notebook and write today's date on the top left corner and the page number on the top Right corner of the notebook, then I write down the detailed account of whatever happened today, from my metal activities to the physical activities. Even the smallest detail can't be missed.
Now habbits are terrible things, it's hard to make and harder to quit. It took me a week to make it my habbit. I take the suppliment every day, two times . Once in morning and onces in evening as my mother had suggested to get the best results. Then every night I take the notebook and write down everything that happened or I did throughout the day, nit sparing a single detail. Ofcourse it was difficult but I did my best.
It continued for a few days to one week to two weeks and tgen a whole month. For a whole month I kept doing this and this day, as I take the last pill I stare at the notebook on the table.
It's 9 am right now.
I have noticed some very obvious and visible difference. Something that I would rather never know . The hallucinations has decreased....even your face seems blurry....your voices sounds so distant as if it's coming from a very distant source or from under the water. Sometimes its like it's muffled other times I can't hear your voice at all. My insomnia although not cured atleast when I do fall 'asleep' the night mares have decreased.
"Can you believe it...just a month of taking these pills" I whisper to the thin air as I stare at the empty suppliment bottle. Tears well up in my eyes as I stare at yhe bottle. A pounding head ache slowly spreading to my temples....my eyes burn with tears as I try to regain my composure. " Noah... don't play with me.... don't play this game anymore...." I plead to the empty air.
" Ring-ring-ring" I hear my alarm go off. It's an alarm I set up earlier to remind myself. I stare at the notebook as I slowly wipe away my tears and get up. I need to get ready...no matter how reluctant I feel at the moment.
Today's the day I set the meeting with her. It's time for my monthly councelling and metal assessment. 'Miss Rita must be waiting gor me' I thought as I got ready. God knows how difficult it is for me to even breathe at the moment. It's how a devotee, who had devoted all their faith, love and emotions into worshipping thier God only to suddenly be smacked into the face by the fact that the deity they had been so devoutly worshipping turned out to be a devil and the said devil is the same one they wanted to protect themselves against, someone who had killed someone dearest to them. Can you imagine that feeling. Ofcourse my situation is not that dramatic but it is the same feeling. The feeling of disbelief, the feeling of despair with the overwhelming sadness, anguish mixed with ridicule and feeling of betrayal....
It took everything in me to pull myself together. I can't just believe in everything...Miss Rita , she's a professional and someone who had been there with me , helping me throughout my rehab and even after my rehab was completed. She would be able to help me with this ... she'll know what's wrong with me and those ' suppliments ' ...there has to be something wrong with the suppliments.... there's something really wrong with those suppliments ...