Her words sound so absurd right now that I can't control myself from asking " blank notes?". She looked at me with confused and slightly worried look on her face. Obviously worried about my face getting paler and confused about I would ask her that. " Yeah. I have always been wanting to ask you....but um I always thought it'd be rude , besides the boss told me about you ....you know that accident... so.... I.." Sophie said cautiously. Clearly not wanting to be rude. " I....are you sure... I um... I don't quite remember the past very well ....could you help me jog my memories?" I ask, my voice is breathy and shaking as I try to calm myself down.
Sophie just told me something....that I'd rather not believe....
With every word she spoke my heart sank down more. Questions swarmed in my mind and I denied to accept any possible and logical answer....but I couldn't refute her claims of always seeing me sitting alone in that corner all by myself and gesturing to thin air but....the video she showed my smacked my head with something that made me question everything .... including my reality...
"I'm sorry.... about the video. Um...at that time I took it .... because I saw you with Dr. Brooke. She was also a regular here. I thought she came here to relax but I saw her observing you silently with a very focused and worried look and there was also this other lady with her who seemed to be very heart broken and crying. " Sophie tried to explain but I can't hear it I can only reply and watch that video again , drag the video back to start and watch it again from the start. With every replay, new questions poping in my head.
In the end I don't even know how I said bye to sophie or exited the shop. Everything became pretty much blurry. I just know that I spent the rest of the time qandering around to every spot that I had ever visited with 'Noah'.
Nothing...no matter I look for it there are just no traces of you left....what am I supposed to do now?.... How am I supposed to find you now....where are you now?....
I couldn't hold back anymore and tears started to roll down my cheeks. They are warm....so warm that they feel scalding... They make the hot summer evening feel colder than the coldest night in the winter.
The suffocating pain is not helping either. The more I try to breathe or caln down the more chaotic it all becomes. The harder it is to breathe.
Why?
That is a question that I can't find the answer to....atleast not at the moment.
The strangers around me are giving me weird looks but ... I can't seem to find that social anxiety that causes me to feel embarrassed even if I breathe a little loudly in public... usually that feeling could trigger my flight response but today I just can't find that feeling. Instead the ground beneath my feet seemed like that super sticky mouse trap. I can't leave.... I'm struck to this spot. My feet feel too heavy to walk even an inch. One of the stranger even gave me a wet wipe asking if I'm okay.....to answer that I really just want to say...no... I'm not okay . In fact my whole world is in a jeopardy. As if someone just told me that my reality isn't real....and ironically enough, someone really just did that and I want to refute that by looking for the proof but I can't find that....
But here's the problem I can't just tell someone something like that... I can only shake my head and say I'm okay just having a bad day....and that's exactly what I did and assured the girl who asked me the question.
'Time becomes irrelevant when you are suffering ' something I have discovered recently. I don't know how long it took me to finally move. I just know that it took every thing I had in me to pick myself up peice by peice and then somehow move back to my apartment.
For a moment I wanted to believe that everything that happened today turns out to be an elaborate prank and someone will soon jump up from some non existent corner with a banner and a camera exclaiming "You have been pranked!!", but unfortunately I am not that delusional and the slap that reality gave me hurts too much to be a prank.
My head is hurting and my eyes are also feeling painfully swollen. This queasy feeling of stomach acid churning in my empty belly is also not helping me with anything except making me feel how real all of this is.
At this point I really need something ....a nap maybe.....hmmm... that's also a luxury that I don't have right now .....so now it's just me in my lonesome in this empty and lifeless apartment that I used to share with the love of my life. Funny how this same place used to be as warm as it is cold right now. Everything is same ....same furniture.....same decoration....same wall colours and....same me....but it somehow feels nothing like it used to be before.
Lord no amount of crying could make me feel better....
Who can tell me that my love is true...that Noah is real....that all this is just some kind of lame joke.
"Noah....please.." I sobbed as I whisper in a shaky voice " please tell me you are real ....okay? Just smile and say you are really there...always have been there.." I choked . "I'll believe it...." I begged to no one in the empty apartment. My voice coming out airy and breathy through all the sobbing and crying.
I vaguely remember just this morning I had mocked my self saying 'crying won't help' and yet here I am again crying so much that I swear I will cry myself blind.....
I think I really cried myself into blindness as everything suddenly went dark .....pitch black ....