I slowly made my way to the hospital ignoring the looks and gazes I am getting from the staff and from the people I bump into. I am late but there's still like an hour left of my appointment session.
The moment I knock onthe door and enter, I see Miss Rita looking through a file. She looks very worried. The noise I made when I close the door has successfully made her look up at me. The moment she looks at me her eyes look so relieved as if the thing burdening her heart has finally settled.
" Avery! My gosh you are finally here. I was so worried. Why were you not answering your phone? I called you like a dozen times for the past hour." She says as she gestures for me sit on the cozy little sofa in office. This sofa is where she usually talks to her her patients. This whole corner of the eoom is so warmly and cosily decorated. I walk to the sofa and grab onto one of the sof cushions and clutch it tightly as if holding on whatever is left of my sanity. She seems to have noticed my distress as she walks upto me handing me a glass of water before sitting on a chair opposite me.
" Avery.... what's up? Can we talk about it?" She speaks in a warm soft voice. 'Is it due to her profession that she has learned to talk in such a comforting and soft manner or is this how she has always been? ' I catch myself wondering as I take in deep breaths to calm myself down. Miss Rita, seeing my efforts in calming myself , got up and walked to her desk to turn on the diffuser and also brought a small speaker.
" Listen my voice and follow" Miss Rita says as she sits down in her chair in front of me. I gulp my saliva and look at Miss Rita. Seeing that she has all my attention she starts " now Avery, I want you yo focus on our surroundings and slowly explain what you see, hear and feel? Can you do that for me?". It took me a moment to process what she has asked me to do. I nod and look around me " t..the room, mild lavenders. There is a static noise .... I'm not very sure if it's muffled I...my ears are ringing. I can feel something soft in my hand .... cushion? The room is blurry.... no my eyes are blurry? Tears?.... I am crying. " I am very unsure of what I am saying because honestly it's really difficult for me to be sure of anything at the moment. Miss Rita assured me for a while before I calm down.
After calming down, enough to discuss or talk with Miss Rita, I slowly took out the notebooks that I have been maintaining for the past month and also the suppliment pills that I has saved for a sample, to ahow to Miss Rita. " What is this Avery?" Miss Rita asks me as she looks at them curiously.
I gesture for her to read the notebooks as I say " for the past month, I made sure to record everything and I mean everything in those notebook" . Miss Rita takes the notebook which has a ' #1' written on it's cover and opens it while saying " so you finally tried maintaining a journal. You should have done that sooner."
I just look at her as she reads before finally mustering up some semblance of courage and explaining her why I started keeping this ' journal'. The more she read and listened to my explanation, the more serious her expression became.
She raised her seriously gaze from the journal to look at me. I. ... I don't like that look in her eyes. My gut tells me that if she opens her mouth right now, I won't like a single word she's gonna spit. I wish to stop her but my damn body or my mouth for that matter decided that this is the best moment to malfunction and rebel against the brain, she opened her mouth.
My gut feeling was so right.
I did not like a single syllable that came out of her mouth.
The more I listen to her the heavier my breathing became, to the point where my lungs started rebelling and breathing felt like inhaling sharp shards of a broken glass. The pit of my stomach felt empty and queasy. My throat felt as if blocked with a soaked cotton ball, stuffy and painful. My ears ringing and vision blurry. Tears trailed down my cheeks. Suddenly there was a warm touch on my body, going in circles and switching to up and down in between. I heard the usually soft and gentle voice, now filled with an unusual firmness and command, non the less still warm, guiding me " Avery! Follow my voice. Breathe in 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, hold, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, breathe out,2,3,4...." I listened to the voice and followed the instructions. I followed it for I don't know how long. Turns out the reality was too much for me to accept so I had a mental break down and then a full blown panic attack.
I don't know how I convinced Miss Rita to let me go back. I refused her offer to drop me off or staying at the hospital for the day. I don't have any idea how I gathered my belongings and how I kept myself together the whole time it took me to come back to my house. I don't remember if I closed the main door to my apartment.
The moment I entered ny room, I broke down again.
I hate this cold feeling.
I hate this heaviness that's weighing me down.
I hate...what Miss Rita told me.....
Now how am I supposed to fool myself anymore.....what do I do now?
My family's reaction.....my own observations and now .....even Miss Rita .....
How.... just how am I supposed to handle this?
Noah.....can you please be real....again?