The flickering neon sign of "Frankie's Discount Tech Emporium" buzzed with a malevolent hum, casting greasy rainbows across the rain-slicked alleyway. Perfect. Absolutely perfect for the genesis of a criminal mastermind. Or, you know, a slightly damp guy in a repurposed motorcycle helmet trying to jimmy a back door with a bent butter knife. That was me. Miles Corbin, future scourge of NeoVeridia… hopefully.
"Alright, Malice Media," I muttered, adjusting the tiny camera perched precariously on my helmet. The little red light blinked back at me, a silent promise of internet infamy. The Malice Media System. Found it abandoned in a dumpster behind a defunct tech startup – ironic, I thought. It was this weird, almost sentient program that whispered sweet nothings about viewer counts and subscriber growth whenever I even thought about doing something vaguely villainous. Tonight, it was practically purring with anticipation.
『Ten new potential followers detected within a 50-meter radius. Projected engagement: 67%. Keep up the shadowy work, budding menace!』
See? Enthusiastic. Maybe a little too enthusiastic.
"Shadowy work in progress, oh digital overlord," I grunted, wiggling the butter knife. The lock gave a pathetic little click. Success! My first step towards… well, towards maybe getting a slightly better butter knife. Frankie's wasn't exactly Fort Knox.
I slipped inside, the air thick with the smell of cheap electronics and desperation. Rows of dusty gadgets lined the walls, relics of forgotten trends. My target? The security camera system. Take that out, and then… well, then I'd figure out what to steal. Maybe a really good pair of noise-canceling headphones? My neighbor's sonic boom alarm clock was a genuine menace.
As I crept through the aisles, trying my best to look like a shadowy figure and not a confused shopper who'd taken a wrong turn, the Malice Media System chimed again.
『Alert! Low-level heroic presence detected three blocks away. Probability of intervention: 12%. Consider upping the ante for increased viewer retention.』
"Upping the ante?" I whispered. "I haven't even stolen anything yet! What do you want me to do, juggle plasma grenades?"
Suddenly, a high-pitched meow pierced the silence. I froze. A small, fluffy ginger kitten was batting at a dangling wire near a shelf overflowing with discount drones. It looked utterly terrified.
My carefully cultivated air of menace evaporated. "Oh, you poor little thing," I mumbled, forgetting all about being a villain. I carefully approached the kitten, who promptly hissed and tried to disappear behind a stack of outdated VR headsets.
"Hey, it's okay," I cooed, extending a hand slowly. "I'm not gonna hurt you."
On the helmet cam, I could practically hear the collective groan of my three viewers (two of whom were probably just bots). This wasn't exactly the thrilling villain origin story they'd signed up for.
Just as the kitten tentatively sniffed my finger, a loud crash echoed from the front of the store. Followed by a distinctly heroic voice.
"Fear not, citizens! The Stellar Sentinel is here!"
Crap. A real hero. And I was currently bonding with a feline in a dusty tech store I hadn't even robbed yet. My villainous career was off to a spectacular start.
The kitten, startled by the noise, darted behind the VR headsets again. Stellar Sentinel's booming footsteps were getting closer. Think, Miles, think! What would a real villain do? Probably… grab something valuable and make a dramatic escape.
My eyes landed on a shelf filled with those self-heating eye masks. Perfect! I snatched a box, tucked it under my arm, and tried to look menacing as Stellar Sentinel rounded the corner, his ridiculously shiny silver armor gleaming under the dim store lights.
He stopped dead in his tracks, staring at me. "Freeze, evildoer! Drop the… eye masks?" He sounded genuinely confused.
"That's right, shiny boy!" I tried to deepen my voice, which mostly just cracked. "These are… highly volatile! I'll soothe the entire city into a blissful, unresisting slumber!"
The kitten chose that exact moment to leap onto my head, claws digging into my helmet. I yelped, dropping the eye masks.
Stellar Sentinel blinked. Then he started to chuckle. A deep, booming laugh that echoed through the store.
"A volatile slumber induced by… lavender?" he said, still chuckling. "You're a new one, aren't you?"
『Viewer count increasing rapidly! Current viewers: 1,578. Trend analysis: Unexpected comedic incompetence is proving popular.』
The Malice Media System seemed… pleased?
Before Stellar Sentinel could apprehend the "Lavender Lullaby Lout," the kitten on my head decided to make its escape. It launched itself off my helmet and landed squarely on a display of discount laser pointers, knocking several of them on. Red beams danced wildly across the store, one of them catching a pile of old newspapers on fire.
"Oh, for…" I groaned as smoke started to fill the air.
Stellar Sentinel's laughter died down. "Okay, maybe a little less lavender, a little more arson." He sighed dramatically. "Another Tuesday night."
He shot a blast of… something sparkly from his gauntlet, extinguishing the small fire. The kitten, meanwhile, had found refuge on top of a shelf of singing fish.
"Look, it's not what it looks like!" I stammered, holding up my hands. "I was just… rescuing the cat! And the fire was an accident!"
『Donation alert! User 'SparkleFan77' just donated 50 Credits! Comment: 'OMG the cat! You're a softie, villain-kun! <3'』
Villain-kun?
Stellar Sentinel just shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. "Sure, pal. Let's go."
As he gently guided me towards the exit, the singing fish started belting out an off-key rendition of "Don't Worry, Be Happy." The kitten purred contentedly on its perch. And the Malice Media System chimed with disturbing cheerfulness.
『Congratulations! You've gained 1,578 viewers, 50 Credits, and unlocked the 'Animal Lover' badge (Tier 1)! Keep embracing the chaos!』
My grand descent into villainy was apparently going to be a lot more chaotic – and a lot more embarrassing – than I'd ever imagined. And for some reason, people online seemed to be eating it up. This was going to be a long, strange road.