The world was currently sideways. Thanks to Bill Cipher, the "Summer Matsuri" was now a "Vertical Matsuri." People were walking on the sides of the mall kiosks, and the yakisoba was falling into the sky.
"Listen up, Red-and-Black! I've been watching your show," Bill chirped, his single eye widening as he floated inches from Deadpool's mask. "You've got a great sense of humor, but your face looks like a topographical map of a disaster zone! It's gross! Even I have standards, and I'm a nightmare god!"
"Tell me something I don't know, you one-eyed Bi**h!" Deadpool snapped, trying to keep his yukata from flapping over his head. "I look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusted avocado! What's it to you?!"
The Deal of a Lifetime
Bill's hand suddenly erupted in blue flames. "I can fix it, kid! I can give you that 'Ryan Reynolds' bone structure back. No scars, no tumors, just pure, unadulterated hunkiness! All I need is a little favor."
Deadpool squinted. "A favor? Usually, when a Mother Fu*** with a top hat asks for a favor, it ends with a blood sacrifice or a musical number. Which one is it?"
"Neither!" Bill laughed, his voice glitching. "There's a shiny little marble in a display case at the Gotei 13 Souvenir Stand. It's called the Hōgyoku. It's basically a wish-granting rock that thinks it's a pebble. Fetch it for me, and I'll make you so handsome it'll break the fourth wall for real!"
Deadpool looked at the camera. "Soum, I know what you're thinking. 'Wade, don't trust the triangle!' But have you seen my reflection lately? I look like a thumb that's been in the bath for forty years! I'm doing it!"
The Heist Begins
Deadpool flipped through the air, landing (on the wall) next to the Gotei 13 booth. Guarding the display case was none other than Sosuke Aizen (Bleach), who was wearing a "World's Best Boss" yukata and calmly pouring tea.
"Welcome to my stall," Aizen said, his voice smooth and terrifyingly calm. "Everything here is part of my plan. Would you like a Captain's Haori? Or perhaps this glowing marble that can reshape reality?"
"I'll take the marble, you slick-haired Mother Fu***!" Deadpool yelled, drawing a tactical smoke bomb from his floral sleeve.
POOF.
"NINJA VANISH!" Deadpool screamed, diving across the counter.
The Chaos Factor
The smoke cleared, but Aizen was still standing there, smiling. Deadpool was currently wrestling with a mannequin he thought was Aizen.
"Since when did you under-perceive me?" Aizen asked, standing behind Deadpool.
"I didn't! I'm just high on festival sugar!" Deadpool spun around, pulling out two water guns filled with highly acidic Alien Blood. "Give me the rock, Aizen! I've got a date with a skin-care routine!"
Suddenly, Ichigo Kurosaki slammed into the scene, his giant sword clashing with Deadpool's mannequin arm. "Deadpool! What the hell are you doing?! You can't give that thing to a demon triangle!"
"Out of the way, Carrot-Top!" Deadpool kicked Ichigo in the shin. "I'm trying to get my 'Sexiest Man Alive' title back! If I have to burn this whole Bi**h-ass mall down to look good in a selfie, I'll do it!"
Deadpool reached into the display case, grabbed the Hōgyoku, and tossed it toward the ceiling—where Bill Cipher was waiting with a wide, toothy grin.
The Transformation
"DEAL!" Bill roared.
A flash of blinding blue light consumed Deadpool. The scarring on his arms began to smooth over. His face felt... symmetrical. The tumors receded. For a fleeting second, the most handsome man in the multiverse stood in the middle of the Nexus Mall.
"Oh my god..." Deadpool whispered, touching his jawline. "I'm... I'm beautiful. Soum, look at me! I'm a ten! I'm an eleven! I'm a—"
K-THOOM.
The Hōgyoku hit Bill's hand, and the triangle began to grow. He turned red. He grew six arms.
"OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION!" Bill's voice boomed, shaking the very foundations of the mall. "WHEN I GET THIS POWER, I TURN THE REST OF YOU INTO DECORATIVE FURNITURE!"
"Wait, what?!" Deadpool yelled, looking at his perfectly sculpted hands as they began to turn into mahogany wood. "You lying Mother Fu***! You didn't mention the furniture part!"