The Nexus Mall had officially become the world's most dangerous IKEA.
Bill Cipher was cackling, his giant red form looming over the "Summer Matsuri" stalls. With a snap of his fingers, the "Furniture Apocalypse" had peaked.
Ichigo Kurosaki was now a tall, orange-haired floor lamp.
Saitama was a smooth, round, white leather ottoman.
Anya Forger was a tiny, pink-tufted footstool.
And then there was Deadpool. Thanks to the deal, he had the face of a literal god—jawline sharp enough to cut glass, skin like silk, and hair that caught the light perfectly. The only problem? From the neck down, he was a solid mahogany coffee table with four very sturdy, hand-carved legs.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Deadpool's handsome head yelled from the center of the tabletop. "Look at me, Soum! I'm a ten out of ten on the face, but I'm a 'Requires Assembly' on the body! You triangular Bih! I can't even hold a chimichanga with these wooden legs!"
The Ultimate "According to Plan"
"SILENCE, TABLE-BOY!" Bill roared, clutching the Hōgyoku in his giant, glowing claw. "WITH THIS REALITY-WARPING MARBLE, I'LL TURN THIS ENTIRE MULTIVERSE INTO MY PERSONAL SHOWROOM! STARTING WITH THIS UNWARRANTED SMUGNESS!"
Bill squeezed the Hōgyoku, channeling his nightmare energy into it. The purple orb began to glow violently.
Standing nearby—or rather, leaning nearby—was Sosuke Aizen. He had been turned into a very elegant, floor-to-ceiling bookshelf filled with philosophical poetry. Even as furniture, he looked like he was winning.
"Bill," Aizen's voice echoed from between the leather-bound books. "Did you really think I would leave the most powerful object in the Soul Society in a glass case guarded by a part-time employee?"
Bill stopped. "What? Of course you did! I saw it! I felt it! I'm holding it, you wooden Mother Fu*!"
The Glitter Bomb
"Look closer," Aizen said calmly.
The Hōgyoku in Bill's hand didn't release a wave of reality-warping power. Instead, it emitted a soft beep-beep-beep sound.
"Wait... is that a timer?" Deadpool asked, his handsome eyes widening. "Soum, I've seen this movie! Get down! Or... get flat! I don't know, I'm a table!"
K-BOOOOOM!
The "Hōgyoku" exploded. It wasn't a nuclear blast, but it was worse. It was a Pressure-Cooker Glitter and C-4 Hybrid.
A massive cloud of industrial-grade, neon-pink glitter and high-explosive force blasted Bill Cipher right in his giant eye.
"MY EYE!" Bill screamed, his red form flickering back to yellow. "STUPID! ADHESIVE! SPARKLES! I CAN'T SEE! I'M COLOR-BLIND NOW! EVERYTHING IS PINK!"
The Ottoman Strikes Back
The explosion was so loud it woke up Saitama (the ottoman).
"Hey," Saitama's voice came from the leather cushion. "I was having a nice nap. And now there's pink glitter in my... whatever I am."
Saitama didn't have arms, but apparently, being a "Serious Series" furniture piece meant you didn't need them. He simply vibrated with such intensity that the physics of the "Furniture Curse" shattered.
SHATTER.
In a flash of light, everyone snapped back to their original forms.
Deadpool hit the floor hard. He scrambled to his feet, frantically touching his face. "Is it still there?! Am I still a hunk?! Tell me I'm still a hunk, Soum!"
He looked into a nearby puddle. His face was back to looking like a "topographical map of a disaster zone." The scars were back. The tumors were back. The Ryan Reynolds bone structure was gone.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Deadpool wailed, falling to his knees. "I'M AN AVOCADO AGAIN! YOU LYING, ONE-EYED, DORITO-SHAPED MOTHER FU*! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL TURN YOU INTO A COAT RACK!"
The Final Kick
Bill Cipher, still blinded by Aizen's glitter-trap, was stumbling around the food court.
"I'LL BE BACK!" Bill yelled, opening a portal to the Nightmare Realm. "YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD POLYGON DOWN! I'M GOING TO BUY THIS MALL AND TURN IT INTO A SPIRIT HALLOWEEN!"
Bill vanished through the portal, leaving a trail of pink sparkles behind him.
Deadpool stood up, dusted off his red-and-black yukata, and looked at Aizen, who was now back to being a human (and looking very smug).
"You knew that was a fake, didn't you, you slick-haired Bih?" Deadpool growled.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Aizen said, adjusting his glasses. "It was all part of my plan to see you as a mahogany coffee table. I found the craftsmanship... acceptable."