"HAAA-YAH!" Deadpool screamed, lunging through the air with the plastic mannequin arm. "Feel the touch of a synthetic hand, you lightning-fast brat!"
Killua, currently covered in enough industrial-grade glitter to be visible from space, looked absolutely disgusted. He didn't even use his Godspeed to dodge. He just leaned to the left, letting Deadpool faceplant into a pile of "Reduced to Clear" beanbags.
"You're a weird guy," Killua said, wiping glitter off his forehead. "And this glitter... it's itchy. I'm done with this. My sister Alluka wanted some of those chocolates, and the shop closes in three minutes. I don't have time to play 'Mall Security' with a guy who smells like tacos and failure."
The Godspeed Escape
Killua tapped his heels together. Blue electricity arced through the glitter, making him look like a sentient firework.
"See ya, Mr. Pool," Killua smirked. "Tell the manager the chocolate was worth the shoplifting charge."
BOOM.
A sonic boom shattered the remaining glass display cases as Killua vanished in a streak of rainbow-sparkle light. He didn't just leave the store; he left a trail of scorched carpet and shimmering dust all the way to the exit.
"Wait! My cuffs!" Deadpool yelled, waving a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs he'd found in the 'Gag Gift' aisle. "I haven't read you your rights yet! You have the right to remain... sparkly!"
Enter: The HR Auditor
"I wouldn't worry about the handcuffs, Officer Wilson."
A voice, cold and analytical, echoed from the back of the store. Deadpool froze. He slowly turned around to see a massive mountain of RGB Gaming Chairs stacked in the middle of the "Electronics & Gaming" section.
Perched at the very top, crouching in his signature "I'm-definitely-not-creepy" position, was L (Death Note). He was holding a single strawberry in one hand and a clipboard in the other.
"L?!" Deadpool gasped. "Since when do you work at Senpai's Department Store? I thought you were busy hunting down high-schoolers with god complexes!"
"The Kira case ran out of funding," L said, dropping the strawberry into his mouth. "I've taken a part-time position as the Head of Human Resources and Asset Protection. My current calculations suggest that your 'Budget Buster' flare caused approximately 4.2 million yen in property damage. Not including the cashmere."
The Performance Review
L hopped down from the chairs, landing silently. He held up a digital tablet.
"According to your contract, Soum is listed as your primary benefactor. However, since the mall is in a 'Minimum Wage' lockdown, this debt will be deducted from your soul... or your paycheck. At your current rate of pay, you will be debt-free in the year 2145."
"2145?!" Deadpool wailed. "I'll be even more shriveled by then! I'll be 'Dead-Prune'! Soum, help me out! I can't live on zero dollars a year! I have subscriptions to 'K-Pop Weekly' to maintain!"
"There is one way to clear the debt," L said, his eyes darkening. "A 'Secret Boss' has set up shop in the Mall's Underground Parking Garage. He's hoarding all the high-value inventory—the limited edition figures, the rare ramen, and the 'Serious Series' eggs. Clear him out, and your record is wiped."
"A secret boss?" Deadpool's eyes narrowed. "In the parking garage? Who is it? Madara? Aizen? The guy who wrote the ending to Game of Thrones?"
"Worse," L whispered. "The King of Curses is running a valet service."