Chapter 1: Death by Snu-Snu
The universe has a twisted sense of humor. Some men die in war, some die saving puppies from burning buildings. I died with my dick in my hand, gooning to a 4k render of Tsunade getting railed by the Raikage. Absolute cinema.
I didn't even hear it coming. One second I'm edging, maximizing the dopamine hit like the degenerate genius I am, and the next, the ceiling disintegrates. A meteorite. A literal rock from space, aimed with sniper precision by God himself to interrupt my climax. I didn't see a white light; I just felt the heat and the crushing realization that my browser history would survive me. Tragic.
Then came the void. Cold, dark, boring. No hell, no heaven, just a loading screen.
Until the smell hit me.
Mold, stale sweat, and cheap miso.
My eyes snapped open. I wasn't in my gaming chair. I was lying on a futon that had seen more fluids than a crime scene, staring up at a cracked wooden ceiling. My body felt wrong. Lighter. Smaller. Weak.
I tried to sit up, but a migraine hit me like a sledgehammer. Memories that weren't mine flooded my cortex.
Name: Kaito. Age: 6. Status: Orphan. Location: Konohagakure.
I clutched my head, groaning as the data settled. I was in Naruto. The actual, literal Hidden Leaf Village. The headache subsided, replaced by a cold, calculating clarity. I looked at my hands. Small, calloused, dirty. I was a nobody. A war orphan dumped in the system, destined to be cannon fodder for the Third Hokage's "Will of Fire" propaganda machine.
I stood up and walked to the cracked mirror in the corner of the communal room. Black hair, sharp eyes, decent bone structure. I could work with this. I checked the essentials immediately. I pulled down the rough pants.
"Pathetic," I whispered. "But plenty of time to grow."
The memories told me tomorrow was the big day. The Ninja Academy entrance ceremony. The start of the canon timeline. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura—the whole cast of dysfunctional child soldiers would be there.
Normally, a rational person would panic. Ninja world mortality rates are abysmal. But I wasn't rational. I was a man who died gooning. I felt a grin spread across my face. This world was full of kunoichi. Dangerous, superpowered women in mesh armor.
"Jackpot," I muttered.
Suddenly, a chime rang out in my skull. Not a sound, but a vibration.
[ System Initializing… ]
[ Soul Compatibility: 100% ]
[ Archetype Detected: Absolute Degenerate ]
[ Installing Gooner System… Complete. ]
A translucent blue screen hovered in my peripheral vision. I didn't flinch. I'd read enough webnovels to know the drill. I was the protagonist now.
[ Welcome, Host. ]
[ The Gooner System is designed to turn your depravity into power. In this world, chakra is life, but for you, libido is god. ]
I laughed. Actually laughed out loud, startling a kid sleeping on the next futon. This was too perfect.
[ Current Stats ]
• Name: Kaito
• Chakra: Civilian Level (Trash)
• Strength: Malnutritioned Child
• Rizz: Negative
• Lust: Infinite
[ Tomorrow is the Academy Entrance. To survive this world, you need power. To get power, you need to be a menace. ]
[ New Mission Available ]
I focused on the notification. The text expanded.
[ Mission: The Phantom Grope ]
[ Objective: ] During the Academy entrance ceremony tomorrow, successfully grope a named female character (future kunoichi) for at least 3 seconds without getting caught.
[ Target Options: ] Ino Yamanaka, Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyuga.
[ Reward: ]
Uzumaki-level Chakra Reserves (Instant upgrade from trash to battery).
Skill: Stealth Mastery (Novice).
[ Failure Penalty: ] Permanent Erectile Dysfunction.
I stared at the screen. The stakes were astronomical. Permanent ED? That was a fate worse than death for a man of my caliber. But Uzumaki chakra reserves? That was a cheat code. Infinite stamina meant infinite training… and other things.
I looked out the window at the Hokage Rock faces looming over the village. The old monkey Hiruzen was probably polishing his crystal ball right now.
"Challenge accepted," I whispered, feeling the adrenaline kick in.
Tomorrow, I wasn't just becoming a ninja. I was becoming a legend. The Leaf Village wouldn't know what hit it. I laid back down on the filthy futon, a wicked smile plastered on my face.
I was going to mog this entire universe.