I rode my bike slowly along the road. Dark shadows flitted across the asphalt. The exhaustion from karate training was evident in my slow pace.
My thoughts, however, were elsewhere. I multiplied, divided, subtracted and added numbers in my head – an attempt to fill the inner void. But the indifference did not go away; it was even written all over my face.
A strand of dark blond hair fell across my face, my sea-blue eyes staring expressionlessly ahead. Many would probably consider me attractive: pale skin, slim, muscular build. But my neutral gaze immediately destroyed that image.
I was born on the autistic spectrum. Feeling emotions was almost impossible for me. Combined with a high IQ, this made me an outsider early on – 'weird,' as the others said. At some point, I stopped looking for belonging. Instead, indifference became a habit. Karate, chess and books filled the void.
Especially books.
I pushed these thoughts aside as I continued my mental exercise.
The path became steeper. I stretched out my arms, closed my eyes and let the wind blow through my hair. For a brief moment, something strange, almost uplifting, filled the emptiness inside me.
But before I could explore this feeling, a loud horn jolted me back to reality.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a VW speeding towards me. Impossible – this path was only built for bicycles.
I tried to get out of the way, but the car crashed into me sideways. Before I could even think, I was lying on the ground. In slow motion, the car continued to race towards me.
Was that it?
Were those the last moments of my fourteen-year-old life?
Out of defiance, I tried to sit up, but the tyres pressed me down. An unbearable pressure weighed on my chest – then the crack of my ribs.
The car stopped.
Relief flashed through me – and gave way to bitter irony: the pressure on my chest remained.
I struggled to think clearly while the voices of the passengers screamed in panic. Dizziness set in, cold sweat broke out.
If I wasn't mistaken, these were signs of internal bleeding.
I'm screwed.
Ten minutes later
Finally, I heard the sirens of an ambulance.
'Just a little longer,' I thought, 'then I'll have made it.'
But shortly afterwards, I could hardly breathe.
Black edges ate into my field of vision, cold crept into my limbs.
Instinctively, I knew: I was going to die.
I waited for sadness, regret – nothing.
Even at the end, I couldn't feel like other people.
Grief, joy, guilt, fear, anger and love – I still wanted to experience all of that.
But darkness descended upon me. My senses faded, numbness spread.
I let go.
The darkness engulfed me.