198 days. Thats how long ive been waiting, how long life hasn't been worth living.
And thats the problem with being the strong one. Its that no one offers you a hand, yet they expect you to hold yours out. It always stung. Watching as you give them your best yet they choose someone else.
Yet i thought they would never do such a thing. Oh how wrong i was. Thats no surprise. Im always wrong.
People say it gets better. I guess those people are always wrong too.
I used to hope, once upon a time. I would sit for hours in the dark and just hope with my tiny little heart that it would all work out. I wish i were still that naive. It would hurt a little less.
And right now, standing up here on the edge, the moon shinning bright above, the wolves howling in the woods behind, i am just reminded how much of a coward i am.
Because ive been here before. Time, and time again. Yet, it never seems to end. I worked so hard to get where i am today. But it was never enough.
Because there will always be someone better. Someone who doesnt try but gets good grades, someone who picked up a pencil and became picasso, someone who looked at math and asked why people think its hard. Theres always someone better, and the world never lets you forget. Never.
The wind whips past my face, short black hair blowing back, the city lights are still on in the distance. And as i look down, and see the river rushing past in the moonlight, im reminded why im such a coward.
Not because ill jump. But because i never do. And that, hurts more than any other truth.