"Do you truly Exist?" a large ripple of chi flared throughout the classroom, only 7 of the 33 students in attendance still remained seated. The unfortunate rest, lay collapsed in different positions, drool oozing out of their mouths, tears streaming out of their eyes and all knocked unconscious.
*Tsk.* "What an amazing start to the year."
*Sigh.* "Fuck my life this is an absolute nightmare" pinching her nose between her thumb and index fingers, our new teacher sounded very enthusiastic to teach us.
For those of us in the clan who had shown no talent before the age of 13, this was our first introduction into the wonderful world of cultivation! The clan had not given up on us, a proper cultivator would be teaching us all about it and maybe, just maybe I could become a cultivator too! Clenching my fists tight, I was all hyped about it and it seemed like I was one of the few who made it through the first hurdle, *He He* - I always knew I was special.
Maybe it was the way I smiled or the way I started rubbing my left index finger under my nose, I looked up to see the teacher glaring at me. I froze, had I done something wrong? If looks could kill, I would be buried deep down in the planets core.
A finger extended towards me, "You! Lift your ass up and wake these fools up. You have exactly 1 minute to succeed. If you fail, you will atone for your gloating on others misfortune with 26 slaps. Chop Chop, 54 seconds left....." the devil beguiled me with a grin on her face.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, what's with this dog shit luck, was it the black cat that crossed my path this morning or the black crow that hit my bedroom window last night?
I'm not an idiot, if I start off slapping everyone else awake, I will be making an enemy of the whole class and no doubt they will beat the shit out of me. Especially when they find out that there was no punishment for them individually. There is no way to guarantee the other 6 will keep quite about it.
Brain it's time to pay rent, think think, I think therefore I am! You little shit, I know I exist, I need to wake up these fools who are having an existential crisis! Why can't you ever come in clutch, all those almonds are going down the gutter!
*Ding* Eureka, I just need to startle them awake, big breath and long yells "Teacher, did you forget about the homework, I have it right here! Teacher, did you say lunch is cancelled! Teacher, did you say we should have an extra hour to learn today! Teacher....."
*Clap!* "What wonderful suggestions! No lunch, an extra hour and how silly of me, I forgot to give homework before class, so we'll double it and give it to the class today".
"....." I now had 6 murderous pairs of eyes locked on my face full of killing intent. So much for not offending anyone and god damn, how can that ruckus not wake a single person up!!!!
Quickly grabbing two slates, I began banging them, stomping around kicking chairs and desks over. Sweat began lacing my back as not a single person woke up. I tried everything, even drawing a shoe from my inventory and putting it close under their noses. Damn it, do I really have no choice but to start slapping them???
Rolling up my sleeves, I started shaking the closest person awake - no way was I going to slap someone else. Especially after seeing that knowing smile on the devils face, I'm sure she'll add every slap I give to the count and given her shady appearance she might throw a multiplier on it. I'll truly be throwing a rock on my own feet if I do something stupid. But damn, was it even possible to wake these people up? I was shaking them more aggresively than I would shake a bottle of ketchup to not get the watery stuff drip through.
*Clap* "Time's up!"
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
I didn't even have time to register what had happened. I barely heard her say time's up, before I was beaten to a pulp. My cheeks stung, my vision was blurry and I could hear a buzzing sound in the background. Somehow I was back on my seat and it seemed like the roof was dancing, or was the room spinning?
*Splash* an ice cold bucket's worth of water was unloaded on me and I saw everyone sitting back in their seats. Did I fall asleep in the classroom? Taking a look at who drenched me in front of the whole class, I saw the teacher standing right next to me with an empty bucket in tow.
Looking at that smile, a certain statue, the Joker and even Lloyd seemed like kind hearted people. Glancing at the aggressive stares the rest of the room was giving me, *gulp* I realised how royally screwed I was.
I need to explain myself right now! I need as many friends as possible, especially if any of the others become cultivators too! Just as I was about to stand up and apologise profusely, *grasp* the devils hand pressed on my collarbone tightly. My entire being went numb, a chilly frost creeping down my spine as I realised I had already entered the gates of hell and my fate was sealed.
"Everyone, please give a special round of applause to your new role model. Unlike you maggots, he has a strong sense of self, strong sense of duty and strong desire to learn. Not only has he personally recommended cancelling lunch, an extra lesson at the end and doubling everyone's homework today, but from today onwards he will be your class representative. You all need to listen to his instructions and he will decide what the punishments will be for the ones that fail tests. Given his noble stature, I am sure he will suggest a fitting punishment for those of you who collapsed this morning." these atrocious words came straight from the mouth of a treacherous teacher that tells no tall tales.
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap*
My palms were sweaty, my mouth was dry and all of I sudden I remembered my mom's spagghetti. It would make for a pleasant last meal. This teacher was a demon, throwing me to the wolves without batting an eye. I was now Enemy #1 of the entire classroom and here I was being elevated to some imaginary pedestal on a pile of my own bones. At this point, I knew I fucked up. Not if, but when they got the chance, they would all pounce like hungry lions seeing a fresh juicy steak served on a platter with a nice dressing.
I would become a cautionary tale, for those who come after, to never offend the devil in its den. If I could regress back in time, I would happily join those delinquets who collapsed to the floor over the glorified death sentence I had now received. Alas, regressions, transmigrations and reincarnation only happen in story books - where are thoust truck kun. I am begging you to hit me!
Punishment, I'm afraid my kneecaps will recieve divine punishment and be ground to chilli powder if I dare suggest anything. Thinking on my feet, with my knee caps on the line, I saluted the teacher - I was a soldier now, fighting for my bones and declared, "Class Rep reporting for duty, with this heavy burden placed on my shoulders and as the designated leader for the class - their mistakes are my mistakes, I will accept punishment on their behalf and lead by example."
A weight lifted from my shoulders, no literally, the devil holding my collarbone hostage finally relented. Yet that did little to calm my nerves, in fact by some divine miracle the devil's smile grew wider, that expression is 100% not possible for any human being to make.
"Good, good, good, subarashi Class Rep san! Your actions prove you are truly worthy of the position granted, as it should be, of course, I have a good eye for people. Hmm, since you took the initiative I'll tone it down a notch and match your kindness for your fellow cohort. Go bring a large tub of water and a bar of soap from the showers, these poor children have drool, dirt and fatigue on their faces - wipe it all off for them, so they can pay 120% attention to the dao imparting words that flow from these lips." words worse than a death sentence were spoken with a smile.
Mom, Dad - I miss you, I might not make it back home in one peace, light some candles for me. I need all the luck our 18 generations of ancestors have accumulated to tide these calamitous waves, even those may be lacking. Perhaps the shock was a bit too intense, as I was still seated and received a club to my head *slap* "what are you daydreaming about, chop chop, get to it or do you want me to do it?" the demon in human skin rattled my brain with a blunt instrument and threw me even further into the abyss - a feat I would have imagined almost impossible.
*Step* *Step* *Step* I began running for my life, planning on how I could grab 26 Bowls of water, a new bar of soap and make them wash their own faces. I immediately ran to the cleaners, begging for help, "Please, for the love of god, you have to help me lest I be skinned alive today - I need a large basin of fresh water, 26 small bowls, some rags, a knife and a fresh bar of soap to wash the faces of 26 kids". Maybe it was the way I said it, my dishevelled appearance or some good karma for a change, but they managed to get it sorted within a few minutes and I dragged the large basin with the bowls stacked inside it to get to it.
But of course it could not be that easy, just as I was about to get everyone to serve themselves, she appeared. They do say the grim reaper likes to revisit past destinations. Had I become a tourist attraction for the scythe wielding traveller? I wouldn't be surprised to wake up with all white hair tomorrow or as a fool with the brain cells I was burning through today. What was this cursed devil after now???
"Hold on, it seems you have a forgetful memory, don't worry I'm happy to repeat myself as many times as it takes to get the point across. But I must remind you, I explicitly said that YOU need to be the one who wash away the fatiugue from these poor souls. Look they are so tired they can't even lift their own hands up to wash their faces" she said whilst strongly gripping their arms behind their backs, bringing them one by one to me to help them. The looks of blame were all directed to me, as they were paraded towards me and then had to be thoroughly cleansed - until I did a satisfactory job they would not be released. If I didn't rub their faces with the rags hard enough or behind their ears, she would just stand there menacingly, only giving me a smile and not showing any signs of releasing the poor sods.
I think I have PTSD now, I just hope I don't die of a heart attack from someone smiling at me. After what felt like an eternity I was all done, I just ignored the oppressive feeling of pent up frustrations being directed my way for some bizzarre reason. It wasn't even my fault, it was this crafty devil they should be venting against, put perhaps she was too tall a mountain to bang their heads again - it would be like failing to recognise Mt Tai. The next in line by passive association was my unfortunate mug, which like a magnet of misfortune, was attracting the negative nexus of energy that a certain demon was sprouting like weeds. So casually and thoughtlessly, as if the consequences would never touch her, but on second thought who would dare to offend this teacher?
They say to embrace the harsh realities of life, when life gives you lemon to make lemonade, but there are no guidelines on what to do if King Yama sends the devil as an embassador to forcibly emigrate you to a hot climate. Cultivators are righteous they said, they never bully the weak they said, yet here I was with an x mark of doom on my forehead - waiting for the bell of freedom to sound so I could make a dash for it and not wait for the BGM to start playing.
*Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Whoosh* *Whoosh* *Whoosh* The sound of a chime, the sprint for life - yet I wasn't alone. With my sharp reflexes I had pulled ahead, but the determination of those chasing was not lacking by any means. A stampede of mad bulls was on my tail, a battle of wills was under way - was my desire to survive stronger or their desire to flatten me? In my favour was the fact that they seemed to have some lingering effects from being knocked out and quickly grew fatigued, becoming dots in the distance as I swerved through side streets and bridges to lose them.
What a wonderful day it had been, screw that - I was of half mind to drop out. But if I dropped out, my parents would be stuck working in hard labour without comfort, our safety would always be in question and I would never earn a name.
In this world, only those with power deserved names, you could only be granted by a master or a teacher and a name granted powerful abilities to those who earned them. But equally, letting your true name be learnt by others was a fools errand as it could be used against you - so most cultivators had daoist titles and nicknames that they used to address one another. But nicknames and titles can only be used by those who already have names. So to be given a label required one to become powerful. It was the rules of this bizzare world that made it so, which was completely stupid, but who could the average person complain to? The heavens? They listened to no man. Not even numbers, alphabets or any other marking could be used to distinguish mortals, those who were granted those failed to survive the aftermath. So most were just pointed at or referred to by character or visual traits.
As my mind was performing mental gymnastics, a hand rested on my shoulder. "Hey" a coarse masculine voice spoke. My body temperature went sub-zero, it was either a wretched demon or retribution had caught up - the hare never should stop for even a moment to catch it's breath or the turtle will swallow it whole. Don't turn around, don't turn around, as long as I don't look back everything will be a-ok. Or perhaps not, *shake* *shake* "Shaken not stirred, or is it shake well dead or alive? Bah, it's all about shaking the head firmly and never surrendering my F's, to pay respects to endless enemies and remembering to dot my E's, to foster friendship."
Do my ears decieve me or are these the ramblings of a mad man. Did I spit on the moon or something to offend the heavens so. Who do I cry to about the injustice??? Maybe a league or band of hero's, but they don't exist in these parts.
Cusping my hands, straining hard to avoid eye contact, I greeted in a flurry "Exalted Senior, I am but a foolish mortal, a frog in a well, I understand not that I am not, the Dao chases me but I am two steps faster, my dantian suffered from a stroke hearing your wisdom, I will cross heaven and earth to etch these words on my two brain cells fighting for 3rd place. I would love to embark on a journey of discovery and adventure with senior, but my elderly parents might grow anxious at home and go hungry with no one to feed them chicken soup, I take my leave for now senior. Hope you meet your fated one quickly!" casting a rapid succession of confusion inducing sentences, I eloped from the scene of bad feng shui, skipping trickery and backstabbing and going straight to bamboozling.
Another cycle of weaving through thin alleyways, this time not stopping until I reached the gates to my own private domicile, a safe space, where I would not be harrased. But the heaves truly favour me so, just as I was twisting the latch open, the same hand rested on my shoulder and once again the same greeting sounded, "Hey!".