While I was trying to return to normal…
while I was trying to study and at least pass something…
the calls and messages from home kept coming.
Things were getting worse.
We needed more money.
More tests.
More doctors.
People were talking about other cities.
Bigger hospitals.
Different opinions.
And inside my head…
there was chaos.
How do I help my family?
How do I make things easier for them, even a little?
My mother kept telling me:
"Study, son… finish university."
But mom…
how am I supposed to study…
when mentally I'm getting worse every day?
When I'm home…
I see doctors.
I see you.
And everything hurts even more.
But when I escape back to my student city…
it feels like I escape from everything.
I go out with friends.
We laugh.
We joke around.
For a moment…
I forget.
Until the thoughts attack me again.
"You're laughing…
while your home is falling apart."
"Do you even deserve to smile?"
My biggest fear…
was losing my mother…
before she ever saw me succeed at anything.
And I…
was far from success.
While I was crying and thinking about what to do…
I decided to escape reality again.
I installed the app again.
The messages came immediately.
"I want you."
"You're beautiful."
"You're handsome."
I stared at the messages…
feeling pathetic.
But at the same time…
lighter.
Because at least for a moment…
I was escaping reality.
While I was scrolling through the app…
my phone rang.
I closed the app immediately.
Looked at the screen.
And who else could it be…
other than my mother?
"Hey mom, how are you?"
"I'm okay, son… how are you?"
"I'm good, mom… I'm studying."
Another lie.
"Good… study, study.
And eat something. Don't worry too much."
And in that moment, I thought:
Oh mom…
you were always so good to me.
And you loved me so much.
But you don't know my secrets.
They're dark.
But to me…
they once looked beautiful.
If you ever found out…
they would leave permanent scars.
I tried life.
I tried everything.
Some twisted fantasy kept leading me.
I lied to you so many times, mom…
and there are still so many secrets hidden inside me.
The only person who truly loved me…
had no idea who I really was.