While trying to pull myself together and move on, pretending everything was normal and under control, life felt like it was doing everything possible to stop me from escaping this lifestyle.
I met a girl.
She had curly hair, a beautiful smile, and this look in her eyes that could make you forget your problems, even if only for a moment. She was smart, sarcastic, and understood both my jokes and my silence.
For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could be myself around someone.
We went out for coffee, walked around the city, laughed like idiots. Whenever I was with her, I forgot about everything else.
I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder to see if someone would recognize me. I wasn't scared. My ego grew. My confidence came back.
"Damn… I'm a real man," I kept telling myself.
And just as we were sitting there laughing together, it felt like the devil couldn't stand seeing me happy.
A message popped up on my Instagram.
"Where are you? Why aren't you answering?"
It was Taki.
The moment I saw his name, anxiety hit me instantly.
Fear. Panic. Restlessness.
Like one single message had ruined my entire night.
She noticed the change in my face immediately.
"Who is that?" she asked with a smile. "Why are you staring at your phone like that?"
"My family," I answered quickly. "They're texting me about something."
I lied.
Again.
I replied to Taki:
"I'm here. Everything's the same. You?"
He answered immediately.
"Driving around the city. Thought about you. Let me pick you up so we can see each other."
"I'm having coffee with a friend right now. Can't."
"Oh really? Nice. When you're done, head home. I'll be waiting."
My stomach dropped.
"Maybe another time?"
Then his next message froze me.
"We don't have to tonight. Or maybe I should just come over there right now? Haha."
My heart started racing.
What if he actually came? What if he told her everything? Did he still have that video of me?
Fear won again.
"Fine. I'll come when I'm done."
I looked at the girl sitting across from me and felt overwhelming guilt.
"I have to go," I lied. "My parents just arrived and they need me to open the apartment for them."
"Oh okay," she smiled innocently. "Guess I'll see you tomorrow then."
And in that exact moment, I realized something:
I didn't deserve her.
While walking toward the apartment, I felt my throat tightening.
I was crying.
Because deep down, I knew he was somewhere waiting for me.
When I arrived, he was sitting in his car staring at me with that smile that always made me uncomfortable.
"Well look who's alive," he laughed mockingly. "So you switched to girls now? That's not for you. You're a whore. Stick to what you're good at."
Those words hurt me more than I want to admit.
But this time, I answered back.
"You would know best," I said quietly. "While your wife waits for you at home, you're waiting for me in parking lots."
His expression changed immediately.
"Don't get smart with me," he said coldly. "Get inside before someone sees us."
We entered the apartment.
He came close to me immediately, acting like nothing had happened.
Holding me. Kissing me. Telling me how much he missed me.
And me…
I felt like I wanted to run away and stay at the same time.
I hated myself for that.
For one brief moment, I closed my eyes and tried to forget everything: the girl, my mother, college, myself.
Just for a minute.
Until he suddenly said:
"Damn… this looks beautiful. Let's record it."
I instantly pulled away.
"No," I said while standing up. "You know what happened last time."
He laughed.
"I'm joking. Why are you panicking? Come back here."
But panic was already taking over me.
"What are you so afraid of?" he asked.
And all I could do was stare silently at one spot in the room.
Thinking about that question.
What am I actually afraid of?
God?
Myself?
My mother?
Taki?
Or the truth… slowly catching up to me?