How do you live honestly?
It's a question I ask myself every single day. And what does it even feel like to not live a double life?
As I'm writing this, I feel uneasy, almost sick, because it's the first time I'm doing something like this. Will my secrets finally come to light, or is this all just an illusion?
A failed student, a fake version of myself, someone pretending to have morals, the "perfect" child for my parents… believe it or not, all of that is me.
I am full of secrets and experiences that no one knows about. Is it wise to write all of this down, or should it stay hidden? That's the question I'm asking myself right now.
Because at the end of the day… who are we without our secrets?
Sometimes my life feels like one big mistake, one long lie.
More than anything, I feel like I'm fighting a part of myself I don't fully understand, and it's slowly tearing me apart.
If you're wondering how it all started… honestly, I don't even know anymore.
There were many people, too many to remember. Some meant nothing, but a few left a mark. Those are the ones that hurt the most.
Let's call him "Taki."
We've been seeing each other on and off for almost three years. Not as partners… just in moments of weakness.
And this time, I won't lie, even though I'm good at it—I fell in love with him.
Yes… the one thing I always tried to run away from.
He's married and has a stable life, while I'm a student who lies to his family, pretending everything is fine while repeating the same year again and again.
I met him at a café where my friend works.
I had heard rumors about him before. It's a small town—people talk.
I added him on Instagram. We started talking slowly… and then one day, we met.
After that, I got attached.
He didn't.
To him, I was just something temporary. And maybe… I still am.
Sometimes I hate myself for it.
For trusting him. For letting things go that far.
There was one moment I will never forget.
A moment that left me with fear I still carry.
Since then, I've been living with the thought that one mistake could destroy everything.
And yet… habits are strange.
We kept seeing each other, even after everything.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
Because I know this is hurting me, and still… I can't walk away.
In the end, this is just one of my many secrets.
A failed student searching for love, and someone who only knows how to take—that's where this story begins.
And my other secrets…
they're still waiting.