How do you live honestly?
It's a question I ask myself every single day.
What does it even feel like to wake up without fear?
Without lies?
Without hiding who you really are?
I wouldn't know.
As I'm writing this…
my hands are shaking.
Because this is the first time I've ever tried to tell the truth.
And honestly?
I'm terrified.
Terrified that my secrets might finally come to light.
Terrified that someone will recognize themselves in these pages.
Terrified that people will finally see who I really am.
A failed student.
A fake version of myself.
Someone pretending to have morals.
The "perfect" son in front of his parents…
while secretly destroying himself.
Believe it or not…
all of that is me.
I carry secrets nobody knows.
Experiences I buried so deeply that sometimes even I try to pretend they never happened.
And maybe that's why I'm writing this.
Because keeping everything inside me started to feel heavier than the truth itself.
Sometimes my entire life feels like one long mistake.
One endless lie.
The worst part is…
I don't even fully understand myself anymore.
It feels like I've spent years fighting a version of myself I was terrified to become.
And slowly…
that version started winning.
If you're wondering how all of this started…
honestly…
I don't even know anymore.
There were too many people.
Too many nights.
Too many lies.
Some meant nothing.
But a few left scars I still carry.
And the deepest one…
was him.
Let's call him Taki.
We saw each other on and off for almost three years.
Not as lovers.
Not as partners.
Just two people meeting in moments of weakness.
At least…
that's what it was for him.
For me?
It became something much worse.
I fell in love with him.
Yes…
the very thing I spent my whole life trying to run away from.
He was married.
He had a stable life.
A normal life.
Meanwhile…
I was a student lying to his family every single day.
Pretending university was going well.
Pretending everything was under control.
While repeating the same year again and again.
I met him at a café where my friend worked.
I had already heard rumors about him before.
It's a small town.
People always talk.
I added him on Instagram.
We started talking slowly.
Then one day…
we met.
And after that…
I got attached.
He didn't.
To him, I was temporary.
Something exciting.
Something hidden.
And maybe…
I still am.
Sometimes I hate myself for it.
For trusting him.
For letting things go that far.
But there's one moment with him…
I will never forget.
A moment that left fear inside me that I still carry to this day.
Since then…
I've lived knowing that one mistake could destroy my entire life.
And yet…
I still kept going back.
Maybe something really is wrong with me.
Because I know this is destroying me…
and still…
I can't walk away.
This is only one of my secrets.
A failed student searching for love.
A broken person searching for himself.
And someone who only knows how to destroy himself quietly.
That's where this story begins.
And my other secrets?
They're still waiting.
I spent my whole life pretending to be a good person…
while hiding the parts of me that could destroy everything.