I wanted to live a normal life…
but was I even born for a normal life?
People go through many things in life.
Everyone fights different battles.
And to everyone…
their own pain feels the heaviest.
Mine felt unbearable.
I could survive anything…
or at least I thought I could.
But what I couldn't survive…
was watching myself destroy my own life.
And slowly destroy the people I loved too.
I tried to become normal again.
I sat down to study.
I started talking to girls.
I went home more often.
I spent time with friends.
But none of it lasted long.
Honestly…
girls never wanted me that way.
They always saw me as just a friend.
Almost like they knew they should avoid me.
And I hated admitting it…
but I missed being desired.
I missed hearing someone tell me:
"You're beautiful."
"You're perfect."
"I want you."
Night fell.
I sat alone in my room thinking about everything.
I tried to study.
I couldn't focus.
I got up.
Made coffee.
Picked up my phone.
And everything inside me pulled me back to the app.
Of course…
I gave in to temptation.
I installed it again.
Yes…
again.
A wolf may change its fur…
but never its nature.
I entered the app and left my phone for barely two minutes to clean my room.
When I came back…
there were already ten messages waiting for me.
"What are you doing?"
"Want to meet?"
"You're so attractive."
I stared at the screen.
Part of me felt good knowing people wanted me so badly.
But another part of me…
felt disgusted with myself.
With my body.
I felt like the cheapest whore alive.
I replied to one guy.
His name was Deni.
He was funny.
Charming.
Interesting.
He kept telling me how handsome I was.
How funny I was.
How he wanted me all night long.
I thanked him.
And of course…
that only made him want me more.
Then he asked me to come over.
I didn't reply for ten minutes.
I just stared at the phone.
Then another message appeared:
"So… are you coming?"
And I answered:
"Yeah. Wait for me."
I got ready.
Turned on music.
Started dancing around my room…
like everything was normal.
Like the world had stopped.
The moment I left my apartment…
I rushed to get there as fast as possible.
But when I finally stood in front of his building…
everything hit me at once.
Everything I was going through.
And most of all…
my mother.
Tears filled my eyes.
Then I heard the building door unlocking.
Like he somehow knew I was there.
And suddenly…
I panicked.
I turned around and ran.
I ran like a coward.
My hands were shaking.
My chest hurt.
I kept cursing myself while running through the empty streets.
And once again…
I hated myself.