The time at home was hard.
Harder than ever before.
We needed money like never in our lives.
Even while we were paying for my mother's treatment…
my mother still took money aside for me.
She counted it carefully…
so I could return to university.
So I could pay rent.
So I could continue my studies.
I don't think anything ever hurt me more
than taking that money from her hands.
Because I knew…
I had already wasted so much.
So much money.
So much time.
And I achieved nothing.
It hurts when someone gives everything for you…
while you've done nothing to deserve it.
My mother packed my things for me like she always did.
I kissed her goodbye.
And inside my head, I kept saying:
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry for everything."
Every time I hugged her…
every time I looked at her…
I apologized silently.
But never out loud.
Because if she knew how broken I really was…
she would suffer even more.
And she was already carrying enough pain.
I got on the bus.
And cried during the whole ride.
At that point…
tears were the only thing I had left.
When I arrived…
I entered my apartment.
Laid down.
And fell asleep immediately.
Exhaustion.
The next morning, I woke up and prayed to God.
I prayed for Him to heal my mother.
And somehow…
heal me too.
To help me become a better person.
Then I went to university.
I saw my classmates again.
"Hey, where have you been?
We haven't seen you in forever."
I forced a fake smile.
"Ah, you know…
I was just enjoying life a little."
Another lie.
I didn't want anyone to know what was really happening.
Because honestly…
I felt like nobody truly cared.
They talked about lectures.
Exams.
Deadlines.
Like those were the biggest problems in the world.
And I just sat there listening…
thinking about home.
We were running out of money.
My mother was sick.
I was far from graduating.
A sinner.
A failed student.
A failed son.
While listening to them…
I realized how badly I wished my only problems were exams too.
Why am I not normal like them?
Why did I sleep with so many people?
Why didn't I study when I had the chance?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I opened my books and tried to study.
But I couldn't focus.
Still…
I kept trying.
And I will keep trying.
Later, I went to the bathroom.
Looked at myself in the mirror.
And realized…
I'm slowly losing myself.
More than anything…
I just wanted someone to hug me.
I was lonely.
And for the first time…
I admitted it.
Everyone around me seemed worried about exams…
while I was trying not to fall apart.