I return to my student city.
During the day… it feels okay.
But night comes.
And everything falls apart.
I go back to my apartment.
Alone.
No noise.
No chaos like at home.
But in my head…
there's chaos.
Thoughts.
Problems.
I feel like crying…
but I don't even have the strength to cry anymore.
My thoughts are breaking me.
Crushing me.
I tell myself:
"I won't do this anymore."
"I have to change."
But the desire…
doesn't stop.
The fight with myself continues.
The pressure gets stronger.
I take a drink.
I think it will help.
But it doesn't.
I pick up my phone.
I install the app.
Someone messages me immediately.
Everything happens fast.
Too fast.
We make a plan.
I get ready.
I leave.
I walk to that place.
And then…
I arrive.
I stop.
Fear.
I don't want this.
I want to go home.
I want someone to hug me.
To say:
"I'm here. Come here."
To pull me away.
To protect me.
But there's no one.
Just me.
And a choice.
My hand is on the door handle…
one more step, and everything would be the same as before.
I turn around.
And for the first time…
I run away.
I run like crazy.
Like something is chasing me.
I cry.
I scream inside.
I get back to my apartment.
I fall to the floor.
My soul hurts.
And then I realize…
maybe I need help.
Real help.
No one saved me that night…
but for the first time — I didn't destroy myself.