While I was lost in my own chaos…
one morning, my phone rang.
I was asleep.
Barely opened my eyes.
It was someone from home.
I thought:
"Not now… I'll call later."
But the phone wouldn't stop ringing.
I answered.
My mom.
"Hello, son… where are you? What are you doing? Did I wake you up?"
I paused.
"No, mom… I'm awake.
I'm getting ready for university."
I lied.
How could I hurt my mother with the truth?
"How are you, mom?"
Silence.
"I'm not well… you need to come.
We have to go to the doctor."
My heart stopped.
My soul hurt.
Without thinking, I packed my things.
And went home.
When I arrived…
I saw her.
Worried.
I walked up to her.
Hugged her.
And started crying.
Like a little kid.
I felt it…
something bad was coming.
"Come on, mom… let's go.
We'll see what it is."
We went to the doctor.
While we were waiting for the results…
I stayed silent.
Crying inside.
I looked at her…
and said:
"Everything will be okay. Don't worry."
But I didn't believe it.
She looked at me with that hopeful gaze…
and I knew I was lying to her.
We went inside.
And…
it wasn't good.
They told us…
she has a serious illness.
Everything stopped.
Disappointment.
Pain.
Fear.
I couldn't look at her.
My soul hurt.
But she…
she was strong.
"It's okay… we'll go to therapy.
It will be fine."
Like she was comforting me.
We went home.
Silent.
I didn't have the strength to say anything.
Tears started falling.
She started crying too.
We both saw fear…
in each other.
When we got home…
we sat down.
Silence.
We didn't know what to do next.
She came to me.
"Go, son… finish your university.
That's my wish."
"You're close… you said you only have a few exams left…"
My chest tightened.
"I will, mom… there's time.
Let's focus on you first."
I went to my room.
Closed the door.
Fell on the bed.
And started crying.
Like never before.
I wanted to tell her:
"What exams, mom…
what university…"
"I'm far from finishing."
"I wasted my time…"
"In sin. In running away."
But I couldn't.
I just cried.
And one question kept breaking me:
How can I be strong for her…
when I wasn't even strong for myself?
She believed in the future I lied about…
and for the first time — I hated myself for it...