After the breakdown…
I spent a long time thinking.
Walking.
Trying to understand what I want.
What I need.
How to change.
I felt empty.
Lonely.
I had nowhere to run.
No one would understand me.
Everyone thinks I'm cheerful.
Interesting.
That I don't worry about anything.
But the truth…
is completely different.
I deleted the app.
I've had enough of everything.
I pulled away.
I turned to faith.
At least I tried.
But the thoughts keep chasing me.
Desire pulls me back.
Down.
Whoever hasn't fought themselves…
doesn't know what a real fight is.
No one knows my secrets.
They are dark.
I want to be normal.
Like everyone else.
I have bad thoughts.
Sometimes I think about hurting myself…
but I'm afraid of that too.
And that is a sin.
Whatever I do…
it feels like a sin.
Who cursed me like this?
I went home.
To rest.
To escape.
To my family.
But there…
it was even worse.
My father still comes home drunk.
When I saw him…
I remembered myself.
I looked at him…
and for the first time, I was more afraid of myself than of him.
I'm afraid to think about my childhood.
About the things we went through.
I love them…
but they also hurt me.
I pack my things quickly.
I make up a lie:
"I have an exam, I need to go back."
I run again.
But I don't know anymore…
where to go.
Where is my peace?
And does it even exist for me?
I've been running my whole life…
but for the first time, I realized —
there is nowhere I can run from myself.