When Ella left, her words didn't. "You never let anyone know how you feel." They kept replaying in my head. How was I supposed to? If I could spill everything, I would have.
But every time I try, it never ends well. I either get misunderstood, or worse—they see too much. The parts of me I don't even understand myself. And once that happens, I can't take it back.
I become too open, too easy to read… and somehow it always ends up hurting me. I do try to open up, I really do. It's just that every time I get close to saying something real, I remember—and I stop.
It wasn't the first time.
****
Back when things with Stephen were still real, there was a part of it I never told anyone about. Not even Ella.
I wasn't like this with him. I didn't hold back or overthink every little thing. I said what I felt, I laughed easily, I let myself be seen without trying to hide parts of it. He knew about my family—things I didn't even like thinking about, I told him anyway, and he listened like it mattered.
So I trusted him.
That day we were just talking, nothing serious, one of those moments where everything felt light. "I think I'm obsessed with you," I said, smiling like it was obvious.
"Obsessed?" he repeated, amused.
I laughed. "Don't act like you don't know."
He shook his head, still smiling, and pulled me closer like it was normal, and it was. "Promise me something," I said, looking at him.
"What?"
"That you won't leave me."
"I won't."
I didn't question it. I believed him. That was the mistake. I didn't find out immediately. It started with small things that didn't add up, moments that felt off, but I ignored them because I didn't want to be that girl—the one who overthinks and ruins everything.
Until one day I went to his house. I wasn't supposed to be there. I didn't even knock. I just got there and heard voices inside. I was about to call his name when I heard hers. Debbie. I froze.
"…you don't have to worry about her," Stephen was saying.
I didn't move.
"She'll be angry, but she won't leave."
My chest tightened.
"She doesn't have a choice."
I already knew what was coming.
"She's obsessed with me anyway."
There was a pause, then Debbie laughed, loud and careless.
"Wow… she actually thought you were in love with her."
Something in me just dropped. I didn't go in, I didn't say anything, I just stood there, listening to everything I wasn't supposed to hear. Tears filled my eyes but I didn't wipe them. I couldn't. I turned and walked away. That night, I broke up with him.
Even after the break up, he told people that he was the one who ended things. And they believed him. Of course they did. He was the "hot stuff," the one everyone liked. I didn't bother correcting anyone. It didn't matter anymore.
But something changed after that.
I stopped talking about how I felt.
Not completely… but enough. Enough to make sure nothing like that could happen again. I would rather keep everything in my head, pile it up, and deal with it alone than risk being misunderstood again.
Looking back now, maybe I should have listened to my mum. Maybe she was right about some things.
But it was too late already.
Because here I am… nearly in love with Jay.
And I can feel it happening again.
The difference is, this time I'm aware. I can see it forming. I can feel myself slipping into something I haven't defined yet.
But my past is still there, holding me back, reminding me not to rush, not to trust too easily, not to repeat what broke me before.
Maybe it's for the best.
Maybe my past has a way of saving me from things I don't see coming.
But did I listen?
No.
Because this time… I actually saw it coming.
"I just didn't expect it to hit this hard… and Jay was the reason I couldn't ignore it anymore."