I opened the door and Jay was there. He didn't step in immediately like he used to. He just looked at me for a second like he was trying to figure something out about me before I even said anything. "You're home," he said.
"I said I was," I replied and moved aside so he could come in.
He walked in slowly and this time he didn't just sit like before. He actually looked around a bit like he was noticing things he didn't notice before. I closed the door and turned back to him, and the silence came quickly between us.
He didn't sit right away. Instead, he looked at me properly. "You've been ignoring me lately," he said.
"You started it, I'm fine," I answered quickly, like I already had the response ready.
He nodded but it didn't feel like agreement."I had some things to take care of" .It felt like he was just holding the thought. Then he said, "And I know you're not fine cuz you always say that."
I shrugged slightly, trying to keep my face steady. "Because I am."
But he didn't move from where he was standing. He just kept looking at me like he was waiting for something to change in my expression.
"I don't need you to explain everything," he said after a while, "but I can tell when you're not really here."
That made me look away for a second because it felt too close to something I didn't want to open.
"I just said I've been thinking," I repeated, softer this time.
"About what?" he asked immediately.
"Nothing serious," I replied again, even though it didn't sound convincing anymore.
He let out a small breath like he was trying not to react too strongly, but then he stepped closer to me. "That's not true."
I didn't answer him .I didn't trust what would come out if I did. Instead, I just stood there, keeping my face calm even though I could feel the shift happening inside me.
"You invited me here," he said quietly, "but you're not letting me in."
I forced a small laugh, trying to brush it off. "I didn't invite you for therapy."
But it didn't land the way I wanted it to.
Instead, he stood up properly now and that changed the energy completely. "You think I'm here for entertainment?" he asked, quieter but sharper.
I didn't answer immediately because I could feel the tone shifting into something more serious than I wanted.
"Oh Is Mr calm upset? I said sarcastically.
I noticed that he was more serious now so I said, "I'm okay, I didn't text you to say I'm not fine.
"You don't have to say it," he added. "I can see it."
Silence stretched again, heavier this time.
I finally looked at him properly. "I'm just not in the mood to talk about everything."
"Everything or anything real?" he asked immediately.
That question made something tighten in my chest because I knew exactly what he meant.
I didn't answer.
He looked away for a second like he was trying to control himself, then looked back at me again.
"Anna, what are we doing?"
That question didn't feel casual anymore. It felt like something that needed an answer.
I stayed quiet for a moment before speaking. "I don't want confusion. I don't want something that keeps changing every time I think I understand it."
He listened without interrupting.
"I just want something I can actually try without running from it again," I added.
I sighed, I wanted him to come for a distraction but now he's proven otherwise.
Then he said, "Then stop shutting me out when I'm right here."
That made me pause because I couldn't even pretend he was wrong this time.
"I'm not shutting you out," I said quietly, but even I could hear it wasn't fully strong.
He stepped a little closer. Not aggressively, just sure. "Yes, you are. And I'm still here."
That stayed in the room differently. Not soft, not romantic, just real enough that I couldn't ignore it.
I didn't answer him after that. I just stood there because there wasn't anything easy to say anymore.
The silence stretched again until he finally asked, "So what are we doing, Anna?"
This time it wasn't just a question anymore. It felt like a decision waiting for me.
I looked at him properly. "I don't want this to be confusing anymore. I don't want something I keep stepping in and out of."
He didn't interrupt.
"I just want to try properly," I said.
He held my gaze for a second before nodding. "Okay," he said.
Then he added, softer this time, "But don't disappear on me when it gets hard."
I nodded slowly. "I won't."
We both knew it wasn't perfect, but it was enough for now.
The tension didn't disappear, it just changed. We didn't suddenly become light or careless. We just stayed in the same space without running from it.
And for me, that already felt different.
When he left later, I stood at the door longer than usual before closing it.
Then I turned back into the room and sat down.
Nothing looked different.
I should have stayed on my own, I knew the consequences of not doing so.
It was dangerous, but these past few years of my life,
It seems I've been dancing with danger.