When I got back to school, everything looked the same. Same buildings, same noise, same people moving around like nothing had changed. But something felt off.
Not around me. Inside me.
I dropped my bag on the bed and sat down slowly, staring at nothing in particular. I thought coming back would distract me, that once I was here again, everything would just settle. But it didn't. My dad's voice kept replaying in my head.
"I'm sorry."
That word was supposed to mean something.
It was supposed to fix something. But it didn't, and I didn't understand why. I leaned back slightly, letting out a small breath, and that's when the thoughts started. Not the usual overthinking. Something else.
Memories.
Small ones. The kind you don't even realize you've forgotten, or maybe I knew but I preferred to forget.
I remembered waiting. Waiting for him to show up, waiting for him to call, waiting for something that always felt like it was coming but never really did. And the worst part was that I got used to it. I adjusted. I stopped expecting too much so it wouldn't hurt as much.
I sat up a little, frowning. I didn't even realize when that became normal to me.
Another memory slipped in. I remembered telling myself things like it's not that deep… he's just busy… it's fine. I kept excusing things before they even had the chance to hurt me properly.
I swallowed.
That felt familiar.
Too familiar.
Like I had been doing that for a long time. Not just with him. With everything.
I looked down at my hands, my thoughts slowly coming together in a way I didn't like. Maybe this didn't just start recently. Maybe I've been like this for longer than I thought. That realization sat heavy in my chest.
Before I could go deeper into it, my phone rang. I glanced at it.
Mum.
I stared at the screen for a second before picking up. "Hello?"
"Anna."
Her voice was calm. Normal.
"You went to see your father."
It wasn't a question.
"Yeah," I replied.
"How was it?"
I opened my mouth to answer, then closed it again. I didn't even know what to say.
"It was fine," I said finally.
Even I knew that wasn't the truth.
She didn't respond immediately. Then she sighed softly. "You don't have to say it's fine if it wasn't."
I stayed quiet.
"I know him," she continued, "and I know you."
That made me look away slightly.
"I'm not asking you to explain anything," she added. "But if you need someone to talk to, you have me."
Her words settled in my chest differently this time. Normally, I would brush it off immediately, change the topic, avoid it. But this time, I paused.
Just for a second.
I thought about saying something.
Anything.
But the words didn't come out.
"I'm okay," I said instead.
There was another pause.
"Alright," she said softly. "Just don't carry everything alone."
"Okay," I replied quietly.
After the call ended, I stared at my phone for a while. Her words stayed with me. Not heavy, just… there. I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Everything felt quiet again, but not the same kind of quiet as before. This one felt like something was trying to come up, but I wasn't letting it.
Maybe she was right.
Maybe I didn't have to carry everything alone.
But I didn't know how not to.
That was the problem.
I had gotten so used to keeping things in my head that anything else felt unfamiliar… uncomfortable.
So I stayed there, just thinking, not moving, not doing anything, until my phone lit up again.
I reached for my phone without thinking, but the moment I saw the name, I paused.
Jay.
For a second, I just stared at it, like if I looked long enough it would disappear. Then I opened the message.
I'm close by. Can I come see you?
That was it.
No explanation. No apology. Nothing.
I let out a small breath, staring at the screen like it was supposed to mean something more than it did.
Before, I would've replied immediately. I wouldn't have even thought about it. I would've just said yes and figured everything else out later.
But now…
I didn't rush this time, I replied without doubt.
"Come over."
I didn't feel excited. I didn't feel scared either. It was more like I was watching myself do something I already understood the risk of… but still chose anyway.
I was more aware now. I knew how this usually went. I just didn't know how this one would end.
And maybe that was the problem. Because this time, I didn't love deeply like before. I didn't rush in blind. But I still let him in. Just a little. Just enough to see.
And that was the part I couldn't predict. Not him. Not me.
Just what would happen after this.