Do our lives matter?
I thought about it for a long time trying to find some answer but the conclusion was always the same.
'I don't know'
I never knew.
I didn't want to find out either.
To me my life was hollow and dull.
I had no passion, ambition, desires.
Maybe that was because i was comfortable with what i had and didn't have a need for more.
Or i was a lazy person who thought that simply trying is enough effort.
Every time i did something i kept going away leaving one simple excuse. 'I tried and i failed.'
I don't think it could count as trying to be honest but it was the easiest thing to say if someone asked.
I felt that i didn't live for any purpose, any meaning, or anything at all.
Like a small pebble sitting at the bottom of the river watching everything flow above it forward while staying in its comfortable small crevice.
It's just like now, im comfortable with what's happening to me right now, and i don't really want to change it.
.
Laying on my bed with eyes half-closed i watched the ceiling silently drifting into my own thoughts.
'What do i do today.'
It was saturday morning, i didn't have to go to job today so i just couldn't find anything to entertain myself.
My eyes drifted to the old dumbbells that laid next to my desk, i bought them for fun and wanted to try gaining some muscle but it wasn't giving any results after a few days so i stopped.
I knew that one needed months just for some visible growth but i didn't want to 'waste' my time on it and left it there to gather dust.
'Maybe i can try again-'
I reached for them with my hand but stopped mid motion before laying back into my bed with a sigh.
'Nah it's too boring.'
If i had started doing it then i would also get sweaty and stink meaning id have to change clothes, go to shower, dry off...
'too much'
As i thought about many things i would have to do i heard muffled sounds of footsteps outside my room before the door was flung open.
"Wake up you damn Snorlax."
A boy with shortly cut dark hair and dressed in light clothes stormed into my room calling me by yet another weird nickname.
It was my best friend and roommate with whom i lived currently because of some money issues, we were splitting rent so the two good thigs gained are company to eachother and cheap home.
Looking at him with the corner of my eyes i spoke up.
"What even is that supposed to mean?"
He rolled his eyes and stood beside my bed.
"Do you live under a rock or something? I explained to you thousands of times that it's a pokemon that reminds me of you. "
"That's not very nice man."
"Just shut up and wake up, i need you to help me out."
He made me stand up albeit barely due to me resisting slightly and leaned in.
"You know about my girlfriend right? Shes going to come over but i forgot to buy the groceries, i promised to cook with her but... you know.."
"Arent you gay?"
Stopping him from talking by my absurd statement he glared at me and hit me in the stomach jokingly.
"Stop this already it happened in middle school and as i said its an accident."
"Alright, alright just send me the grocery list."
He smiled slightly while thanking for it like i saved his life and leaving me with fifty bucks in hand.
'Atleast i can do this i guess.'
Brushing my hair away from eyes i picked the most regular clothes that laid at the top of the shelfes and dressed up.
There was a big fullbody mirror in my room which i liked quite alot as i sometimes striked some poses before cringing at myself.
'i look like a homeless person.'
Although my clothes were clean and looked quite good, my hair was the biggest problem as it kept on sticking our everywhere except the direction i want it to.
One of my friends has long hair that i found pretty cool, my most favourite hairstyle was man bun.
It looked pretty cool in my opinion so i tried to grow out my hair, although it got quite long i achieved the wrong result. Instead of long and glistening hair i achieved a big messy bush that covered my face.
I didn't like it but it was somewhat better than going bald so i left it there.
'I guess i should get going'
Taking a bag with me so i didn't have to buy another one, i left my apartment.
.
'I think that's all i need.'
As i looked at all the food i needed to buy, it definetly didn't look like it would cost 50 dollars.
'is he trying to feed a family or something.'
Well, if he was then i would even give him some money on top of that.
We didn't care whether to loan money to each other or not, just gave it when other asked.
If one would have to describe our relationship then i could say we were like brothers, he was quite an otaku though talking on and on about stupid little cartoons that i didn't understand.
Like, who would believe some guy surviving dozens of cannonballs, shots from guns, and wounds from swords, that's impossible in my opinion.
Finishing paying double the price for the groceries, i left the store taking in once again a breath of the fresh air.
'It stings'
Maybe that was because i had a cold or havent built up the immunity to the temperature.
The weather was underwhelming, with the clouds covering the sky and the cold wind blowing straight into my face.
It was quite annoying that i didn't have gloves or some kind of hood on my hoodie.
'i should have made him go instead, like why would someone want to go out in this weather, making me do the chores that he forgot.'
I swore that when i get back i would pay back in some way at the very least.
Stopping next to the red light i pressed the almost frozen button and waited for it to turn green until i heard someone walk from behind me.
I thought it was a normal person until it looked as though it hid right behind me.
'what the hell?'
As i turned to look behind me, i heard the scrunching of the snow and a small clankink sound.
Before i could do anything, i felt something sharp pierce me from the side.
'wha-'
My thoughts stopped alongside me as i let go of the grocery bag and held the side of my stomach which was entirely red.
*Drip* the dirtied snow under my feet started to gain a crimson shade as i slowly fell onto my knees.
My eyes shook as i checked my hand to see it entirely covered in blood.
"why.." I could barely squeeze out any words, i needed to know who it was.
I needed to know why they did it.
I needed to know what i did to deserve this.
But it was already too late.
The passerbies noticed me kneeling on the ground with a hole at the side, calling ambulance, police or whatever services they had in mind.
But the attacker was nowhere there, no one accused anyone of it, no one noticed anything strange, he dissapeared like a mirage leaving me there to bleed out.
Which i did soon after.
People say that when dying they go to hell, heaven, or some other weird fantasy, so why is it that the snow i stood on appared so clear and pure.
Why is it that the sounds slowly ceased leaving only the wind brush past my ears.
Why is it that my wound dissapeared after i stopped feeling the pain and fell into darkness.
'is this death?'
"Not yet."
An unfamiliar voice came from above me as i looked down on my now healed body.
I was surprised that someone was actually here but then calmed down when i saw his body.
Just like the fresh snow that i knelt on, his body was like a ray of light, as white as a fresh snowflake, his body didn't seem to be male or female, just a body for some unknown purpose.
His face covered in white fog, had only a small smile on it that looked like the most inhuman thing in it.
He stretches his hand to me, like offering grace to a mere mortal, and spoke in his genderless voice, neither cold nor warm, just a voice that sounded so naturall one would think it was the very first sound in the world.
"You can call me God."