Desperation: A state of despair, typically one which results in rash or extreme behavior.
I have always hated that word. For in my eyes, those who enjoyed their youth were truly desperate, hypocritical pieces of shit who would do anything so long as it benefited them. Yes those normies can go fuck themselves in my eyes~ And yet…..I can only sigh in defeat as i do the one the one thing that can be counted as an act of desperation.
To be fair, this was madness, I shouldn't even be here by all rights. I should be back home, going to school, playing on my game consoles and getting into more shenanigans in the service club. If someone told me that i would find myself in 1980's Afghanistan with an ak47 in one hand and a Molotov cocktail in the other, i would tell them to go fuck themselves. It's such a crazy scenario that it's just that. A scenario...
I stopped caring a month in. Or, tried to stop caring. Truth is, I still have the shivers at night, nightmares of the dead dragging me down. This is so wrong, all so wrong. The first couple of skirmishes being the stubborn little bastard that I was, I merely fired into the sky. Missing on purpose. There was no way in hell that i would be taking a human life, nope sorry, nada. In fact, I shouldn't have been put in this stupidly dangerous, grim situation anyway.
When I first calmed down, I did what any logical person did, I hauled ass to the embassy. It didn't matter which, as long as i found one, i could assume that i could at least do something. Hell, I didn't even believe this sick scenario that I found myself in, but I was still in it nevertheless…...The worst feeling in the world is seeing hope, and then seething it snuffed just as soon as it arrived.
To my country, I didn't exist, they couldn't help me. And how could they? I wasn't even born yet. I tried, I really did, to try and get out of this god forsaken country. In one of my attempts, those goddamn terrorists caught me, and gave me a simple option. Fight or Die…..I didn't want to die. So I did the obvious, I complied, And it broke me.
The first time was unexpected, we got ambushed, caught with our pant's down. It truly was kill or be killed. The look in their eyes, the smell, the air? It was all so damn exhausting. I wasn't angry, Nor was I calm, I wasn't happy either. A grenade went off near me, ringing my ears. I remember it so vividly, a Russian soldier appearing out of the bushes. I wasn't fearful, hell i didn't even think. My body reacted immediately. And in the madness of war, I killed my first man.
I threw up. I panicked, seeked forgiveness. But that wouldn't have mattered, the one that needed to accept my apology was dead. Even now, I still feel a twinge in my heart as I recall that damnable scene. I didn't think for the next couple of weeks after that. But i soon came to terms with what i did, and what i would have to do if i wanted to escape alive.
Over the passing weeks of increasing firefights, I did what some would consider a war crime, And what I consider cosplay. You see, I merely…requisitioned a Russian uniform from someone who obviously had no use for it anymore, along with their tags and Identification at that. I knew little Russian, but I was still learning from a small dictionary I found. This plan was stupid, and had little to no chance at succeeding, but it was my only hope. Which was in truth, really fucking sad.
Ah yes, that brings me back to what i'm currently doing as of yet. Hikigaya Hachiman is no more. Say hello to Yuri Sokolov, a young soviet paratrooper from Siberia. Eh, if they ask me, I'll just say I'm Mongolian, I mean, all Asians look the same right?
I had to be quick, the smoke was quickly dispersing and the shelled out little hut i was in was directly in front of the soviet forces. Pretty soon they would- Click.
Ah, shit. They're here already.
"Hands up." A cold feminine voice said, calm and steady. Wait feminine? Shit, In my experience guys with feminine voices can either be A, My precious Saika, or B, Guys who have sticks up their asses who are really insecure about their girly sounding voices.
Dropping my rifle, I turn around slowly as I raise my hands to the air, The sounds of battle now becoming distant as the Afghani's run away, shots now sounding more and more distant by the minute.
As soon as I saw their face, time seemed to slow down. My heart beat fast as i saw them. An angel, that's what I saw. With a face as pale as the moon, and hair as fair as the sun, I merely stopped functioning like any other man who sees a stunning beauty like this one.
A flash out the corner of my eye shook me back to my senses as my body reacted much more than my mind could ever hope to. With me cursing, I quickly tackled the woman to the ground, with the sound of a sniper shot following my tackle and a bullet hole now ingrained in the hut's stone wall where her head should be.
A few seconds of uncertainty passed as fires raged around us, her ragged breath against my steady calm. The best option for now was to stay down, until more men arrived or the sniper got killed. Sighing, I rolled off of her onto my side and crawled to a piece of the hut still intact. Great, it was big enough for me to put my back against, at least I got to be comfortable.
"Kapitan!"- Shlunk! Oof, the poor bastard, whoever he was just got a piece of lead lodged into his brain.
The woman didn't take this well however, and foolishly tried to stand up, to run to her now dead comrade. A foolish stupid thing to do indeed. Honestly, I don't really care about this woman, but I do know that if i keep her alive, it would mean my chances of escaping this hell hole increase ten fold. So, as I sigh, I grab her wrist, and force her to stay. My pointer finger tapping off my stolen helmet as I speak my best Russian.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you comrade, You'll only end up with a bullet in your head like your friend over there." I say quietly, not sure if my Russian was passable.
From the look on her face however, I think she seemed to understand. A look of shame and a click of the tongue came from her as she looked away from me, her body slightly trembling as she did so.
I sigh now, the soviets had all entrenched themselves behind cover. Fucking cowards! And the enemy sniper might still be there. It's a lose lose situation. We can't move from our spot lest we risk getting shot, and the soviets can't help us either.
Clicking my tongue, I dig out a cigarette, one of my sadly favorite pastimes these days that bring me a tiny little modicum of peace and light it. Now we play the waiting game. The sniper no doubt, knows that we're here. And thus, knows that we're perfect bait for the soviets.
The woman sigh's and plops herself next to me. Oi, oi, who said you could that woman? Don't you know that a guy could get the wrong message from your actions?
I raise my brow at this, so this isn't her first time being pinned down by a sniper I see.
Silently, my shoulder nudges hers as I offer her a cigarette. This situation is already uncomfortable as it is, might as well try to make even the tiniest bit less awkward.
Seeing this, She respectfully shakes her head, refusing my offer.
Fine then woman, more for me to smoke.
A few moments passed as we sat under the hot, melting Afghan sun before she finally said something, finally breaking the silence as she sullenly looked at the corpse of her dead comrade.
"You're from my regiment." She says, still looking at the corpse.
….What?... A small drop of sweat forms at the back of my neck at her comment. No worries, No worries, I can still make this work. I've spent day's thinking of each conceivable excuse, each answer to each possible question…. Yeah, there's no need to panic. I can do this.
"I was with sergeant Puskov. Our squad got ambushed and I was the only one left alive." I said, taking a drag and doing my best to bullshit this lie into reality.
"...Shit…..Him to?" She uttered softly, a pained look on her face as her lips trembled.
"He was a good man." I said, lying through my teeth, desperate for my lie to become reality.
"That he was….That he was indeed." She agreed sullenly, letting out yet another sigh of pain.
"....I'm sorry comrade, but i've never seen you around before." She said suddenly, making my gulp a little. No worries though, I had a reply ready for this.
"I'm a replacement. Got shipped in here at the last second, there was no way you would have known me."
"....I see, forgive me, Comrade?"
"I'm just a replacement comrade, you don't need to know my name. Chances are, you or I will be dead soon so it's just a waste to do so." I say. It's the cold truth after all, better not know the name of your comrades when you'll just lose them soon anyway. The moment I make it to soviet lines, ill hitch a ride as soon as possible anyways, so there's no need to learn my name.
"....That's not true." She says as she grits her teeth. Her ocean blue eyes locked into my onyx black.
"It will never be true, Comrade. It's not a waste of time, never was." She says quietly, a small gust of cool wind passing by as she said so.
"...." I say nothing as this, simply taking a drag as I close my tired eyes.
"Even if we die, those who know our names will remember us, so that our deaths will not be in vain." She said, with strong conviction in her words. I almost scoffed at this, here she was, trying to justify this meaningless war. And here I am, just trying to get home. Playing soldier in desperation to do so.
"...." I say nothing as I sigh. Tired and worn out. Here I was, so close to my goal, only to be pinned down by a sniper and forced to listen to the rambles of a self righteous soviet woman who in denial, tries to convince herself and everyone around her that there is still some hope left in this war. Shit. I wanna go home already!
When I open my eyes, I still have her eyes locked into mine, a frown on her face. With a deep breath, she puts her hand atop her breast and starts to speak.
"I am Kapitan Sofiya Pavlona Comrade, who are you?" She says expectantly, a fierce look about her as she awaits my reply.
".....Very well, Kapitan. I am Ryadovoy Yuri Sokolov, a…pleasure." I say with a tired sigh. Hopefully with this she can get off my fat nip ass.
"....I see, Comrade Sokolov is it?" She says with a smile on her face. A smile? Oi, don't do that, you might give me the wrong idea woman!
"Yeah yeah, whatever~" I say waving it off, and taking yet another drag from my cigarette. Thankful that I've been able to respond with convincing Russian words up till now.
"...." She says nothing to this as she relaxes her posture against the stone wall of the shelled out remains of the hut that we're staying in, Letting out a sigh.
Oi, I don't like that one bit woman.
"....So, where are you from?....Comrade?" She asks quietly, relaxed and talking like a soldier on their off time.
Shit. The fuck? Why do you want to know more about me, woman? I am literally as interesting as a dead fish! Ouch, self burn~
"....." I say nothing as i look at her uncomfortably, perhaps i can scare her off with awkward silence! That usually works back home!
"Ah! Forgive me comrade! I didn't mean anything bad by that question, You see, I myself am a sheltered girl from Moscow. As such, I'm always interested in the origins of my comrades. Where they come from, what they do? What their dreams are in the future." She said with an apologetic smile, a kind look in her eyes as she did so.
".....?" …..What? I didn't understand half of what this woman just said. As my mouth hung wide open, I couldn't help but try and piece the puzzle together. Moscow? Comrades? Origins?....Am I Compromised? If so then fu-
"Argh!" Shit, just my luck, My cigarette fell straight outta my mouth and unto my lap. Fuck that stings!
"Ah! Comrade, are you alright?" The woman asks as she looks at me with concerned eyes.
".....Da, Comrade…..I'm okay." NO IM NOT! ARGH FUCK! I think as I smile through clenched teeth. Like a guy trying to act tough in front of a girl after getting kicked in the nuts. Choosing to endure the pain then lose their pride by crying and crumpling down on the ground like a sack of potatoes.
"Are...are you sure?" She asks, a look of genuine concern on her face, Making me have flashbacks about a particular girl in middle school. Fuck, i'm disgusted by that face.
"Da." I say simply, managing to regain my composure now as I let out a pained sigh. Shit why am I here? How did I get into this situation? This is all so very fucking stupid.
"...I see." Was her simple reply. After that, she avoided my gaze uneasily, picking up on the awkward atmosphere.
Shit, about damn time woman. Jesus, I just want to get outta here already! This is so uncomfortable for me! Getting pinned down by a sniper along with having a gorgeous Russian beauty next to me? Fuck that! I just wanna go home! And before those normies complain and tell me how lucky I have it, they can suck the end of a tailpipe! Afghanistan is a goddamn shit hole!
The battlefield was uncannily quiet as we sat there, As the sun beat down on us, The wind carried the smell of iron and burning flesh all around us. Making us ever more uncomfortable. Out of the corner of my eye I study her more now. Now that I look at her, I indeed was in her regiment. Our jackets had the same emblems and the uniform was literally the same.
Great, just my luck. I get to bullshit even more now. If it was a normal infantry brigade then I can just lie and say I was cut off. Therein requesting a ride. And when we were far away enough from everybody, I could just put a bullet to his head and drive my way to Russia or something.
Now I was with a woman, worse, a Kapitan who believed that I was her actual comrade. God~ somebody just shoot me already!
The heavy silence filled the air as we just sat there, avoiding contact and conversations as we looked away from each other, the mood awkward and weird. Sighing once more, I opened up my pack of cigarettes and put one to my mouth. What? So what if my previous cigarette burned my lap? Times like these are perfect for a smoke. Not like I have that much to do besides wait anyway.
She notices this, and despite better judgement, giggles a little at this. When I raise an unamused brow at her, she explains herself.
"Oh I'm sorry, it's just that you burned yourself a minute ago with your cigarette, and now you're smoking yet again." She says through a barely controlled stifle.
"Eh, it'll heal before my wedding." I say nonchalantly, silently thanking myself for liking that proverb and sticking with it.
"Wedding huh? I wonder when I'll have my own…." She says, following up on my statement. Oi, I know that this is just small talk, But goddamn, woman! If i were a normie i would have died right there on the spot!
"Indeed, my own wedding well, no doubt, will be very far off into the future." I say with a small defeated chuckle. A self roast here and there never did any harm eh?
"With your dead fish eyes? I don't doubt it~" She chuckles to herself. Oi! Not you to! We've literally just met dammit!
"Yeah, yeah laugh it up Comrade Pavlona." I say with a cigarette in my mouth as I close my eyes once again. Damn! Russian is a tiring language!
Gurgle. Out of the corner of my eye I see the woman blush and look away, ashamed that her stomach committed die.
Oh? What's this? Someone is hungry are they? I know I shouldn't, but I chuckle nonetheless. The woman says nothing to this and continues to look at the ground in shame. A crimson scarlet adorning her fair pale face….The fuck? Shit, don't get any ideas me!
Sigh, I really am to kind for my own good. If I did this back at home to another girl? She would just call me a creep. But whatever, I'm not heartless as to let a woman starve right in front of me.
"Here." I say after I pull out a stick of crackers. Already getting ready for her disgusted glare at me.
"It's not much, but it's all I have left." I said, looking away from her. Knowing better than to look at her and shatter what little dignity she has left.
".....Spasibo." She says quietly, gratefully accepting the stack of crackers without so much as looking at me. Oi, I really am unattractive to women aren't I?
Taking a drag, I merely relax as she eats the crackers. With the cool wind blowing by and rustling her hair, I can't help but ask myself, When was the last time I talked this much?
Closing my tired eyes, I take a slow, deep drag. Something that I've rather grown fond of as of late and start to wonder to myself,
As Expected, My life is so wrong.