Silence, a Long time friend of mine. Something that I've long been accustomed to, and something that grew on me. Yes, I never was one for talking. In fact, I found it quite troublesome. Yes, The saying if you don't have something good to say then don't say it mostly applied to me. Other than the occasional, snide comment, You don't see my opening my fat mouth that much. Because I don't want to talk, I don't need to talk. And most of the time, my eyes and actions do my talking for me anyway.
The silence was deafening as the eyes of the officers seemingly bore an ineffective hole right into me. Go ahead! I don't mind, It's not like I care if you look at me. In my eyes, you look a lot like puppies that can't get what they want. Which was just fine by me.
The clock ticked slow and methodically in the tent as I sat there, arms crossed with a neutral face. Honestly, I could stay here all day. Anything was preferable over combat. And I must say, these hosts were quite hospitable.
...
…
Finally, after what seemed like a long while, one of the men in front of me across the table let out a sigh. With a contorted face that screamed of displeasure and unease, he looked at me with a furrowed brow as he put both of his hands on the table dividing me and them.
"...Is that truly it? Is there...anything more you would like to add to your report private first class Sokolov?" He asked with a stern and serious tone, his eye slightly twitching as he spoke to me.
"...Nope. There's nothing more to add sir. The enemy, dressed in our uniforms infiltrated the camp. After a brief firefight, I made my way to the Radio in the command tent, hoping that there was a radio operator there to handle it. To my dismay, there was no one there. So, I fumbled with the buttons and finally, out of pure luck, I managed to connect to Kapitan Pavlovna's unit....You know the rest of the story from there." I sat with a grim look, matching their gaze as I looked directly into their faces.
"..." They looked at me skeptically now, creeped out and untrusting of me. It's clear given their reaction that they were expecting something else. That they wanted me to say something more, But what? That is the question. Did they want me to say something that they can in turn use to justify me being a scapegoat? Or did they suspect me of foul play? I just didn't know.
And because of that, I shall act accordingly.
I sat straight in my chair, showing them at least a semblance of respect for their unimportant authority. I know this little token of a gesture wouldn't mean anything, But if I slouched, they could take note of that, and add another reason to distrust me. Something that I would prefer not to happen.
"Are you...sure? Are you absolutely certain? All of us officers here are in agreement that this is a serious matter, and as such, any additional detail would be greatly appreciated, In fact...it would be so appreciated, that We suppose a promotion would be in order…" They said, looking at me with a smile now. A smile that quite frankly disgusted me.
Tch.
So that's how we're gonna play huh? Well, forgive me, but I have no plans to play along with you're stupid little childish games. I refuse to be bought out without knowing your intentions, and thus Shall firmly and politely, refuse your offer.
With a small, cruel smile devoid of any mirth, I give them my answer. My eyes looking down upon these stupid, dumb hilariously uncunnning men.
"It is a generous and gracious offer, But alas, You must forgive me. For I have nothing else to add. My report is as is, and will not change. And besides, It's not like I would notice anything anyway, It was quite an intense firefight. At one point I ran out of ammo and had to resort to scrounging the bodies of the enemy for ammo. Very bloody and violent business, This War and all." I say, unsettling them a little with both my smile and answer.
They remain silent for a moment, letting out a tired sigh as they look at each other. And finally, after a long minute, with a reluctant nod, they dismiss me. Clicking their tongues as they eye me warily and intensely, not totality convinced by my words. Great, gives me even more reason to be on guard around you dumb fucks.
The air was quite intense and heavy as I got up from my seat and left, Their untrusting and doubting eyes not once leaving my body as I calmly walked out of the tent. My quiet and soft footsteps betray nothing as I leave.
With a gentle hand, I brush aside the flap, momentarily letting the sun's rays shine into the tent for a brief moment before I exit, taking my hand off of the flap and letting it settle down, a small pathetic sound it makes as it flaps behind me, no doubt generating a small amount of air.
Silently, I nod at the sentries as I make my way through the camp. My arm mechanically digs into my pocket for a cigarette, Muscle memory no doubt at work here as I slowly walk. My foot is all better now as I've taken off those stuffy bandages this morning.
Cigarette in mouth, I dig reach into my pocket for my lighter….What?...Ah fuck! Where did I leave the damn thing? With a look of exasperation, with cigarette still in mouth, I proceed to pat myself down more thoroughly, intending to find the little fucker once and for all so that I can enjoy my little smoke break, the very few things that I can enjoy in this godforsaken shithole of a country.
A nervous sweat trickles down my forehead as I fail to find the little shit, shit! Where is it? I've searched both pockets, back packets and hell, muy front shirt pocket! So where was it?
"...Heh." A small chuckle brings me out of my desperate search as I look at the source of the voice…. Hah? Great, It's her. The hell do you want, woman? Please leave, I have nothing to talk to you about.
"Hey comrade, You dropped this." She says with an…smile? No, It's more of a nervous smile if anything. I think as I slightly shake my head subtly.
"..."
I say nothing as I gently pluck the lighter from her hand. Nodding in gratitude as I give her a small grunt, all while watching her intently.
She was...avoiding my gaze, finding the area around to be a better view then my ugly old mug. Eh, Fine enough. I don't really care. As long as I don't get roped into more unnecessary shit, then I'm happy.
Turning around, I expertly flick the lid of the lighter to open, revealing the wick. Continuing to walk, I silently hold up the wick to my cigarette as I spark the wheel flint, trying to get the damn thing to light a small, butane powered flame.
One or two sparks and I get what I want, a flame. Holding it steady, I light my cigarette and deftly let go of the wheel flint as I flick the lid of the lighter to close. With my free hand, I take a small drag, already feeling a little bit better as the Sudden intake of Tobacco enters my lounges.
"..Ah! Wait!" Ah great, what did you want? You already did the thing you set out to do right? So why make additional conversation with me? Good god woman you really are a handful!
"...So..did the questioning go well?" She asks with an inquisitive look, walking beside me in the process. I attempt to shake her off by not looking at her, Hoping that this dense, annoying idiot of a woman would take a hint.
…
As expected, she doesn't.
Hah.
"...It went well enough." I say neutrally, choosing to not tell her that those fuckers had essentially tried to bribe me for more information that I, Well, yes, was technically holding and choosing not to give to them in exchange for a "Promotion" Something that I didn't want. Better to keep my head low and bide my time then to be thrust into the headlights. And besides, they might use me as a scapegoat or something. Ugh, better to not get caught up in it then become entangled and crippled later I say!
"Oh really? Great! You'll join us in the front lines quicker~" She said with a cheerful hum...I know I shouldn't have, in fact I REALLY shouldn't have, but for the briefest of moments, An uncontrollable snort of disbelief and mockery escaped my lips, causing her to stop humming as she looks at me with a raised brow now.
Shit, did I blow it?
"...May I ask for the reason?" She said slowly, choosing her words carefully. Political and delicate, guaranteed not to offend anybody..that much.
"...What reason Comrade Pavlovna?" I say indifferently, continuing to walk as I avoid eye contact, yet respectfully address her. Jesus, It's just like dealing with Hiratsuka sensei all over again!
"You know what I'm talking about Yuri." She said firmly, yet gently. Her volume was controlled as her tone of voice was not that of anger, but of a skillful calm.
Sigh.
A heavy handed silence as I kept a reluctant expression from forming on my face passed before I let out a small sigh and indulged her. Seriously, the hassles with her just weren't worth it.
"Did you know that I hate getting shot at? Or even fighting at all, I despise it actually, fighting." I say with a controlled poker face, careful to mask any emotions.
"..." She didn't say anything now, her lips pursed as she apparently appeared to study the ground.
"The only thing that I'm looking forward to out of this war, is the day it ends." I say simply and bluntly, looking at her now, venom and distaste dripping into my words, with this hopefully she'll finally get the hint.
"Know this comrade Pavlovna, I may do my duty, But I hold no joy in it. Don't get me wrong, I'll still follow your orders, But home is much more desirable than...this." I spat out finally, with furrowed brows now on my face as I can't help but let out a small frown.
"..." She continued her silence as we kept on walking. I expected a look of anger, distrust, hell even shock really. But no. What do I find? A look understanding, a look of empathy. A look of Sympathy. A look I hated.
Yes, I was no stranger to sympathy. Be it with me seeing a guy getting kicked in the nuts or a Girl giving me a look of sympathy as she says those dreadful, hateful words to me;I'm sorry, but can't we just be friends? Yeah, I hated that word. Sympathy, It truly disgusted my very core.
"...I see." She finally said after a long bout of silence, making me look away in dissatisfaction. Good god, this woman was a fucking riot!
"...I knew there was a reason as to why I was drawn to you." She whispered softly, Barely audible as is, but I caught it. And for some reason, I had no retort. Just silence as I clicked my tongue and took yet another drag.
For all intents and purposes, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. Frankly, I don't know how to counter this woman. By all logic, she should be annoyed with me, at the very least frustrated, and yet for some reason, she doesn't. It clawed at me constantly, why? Why was she like this?
We walked in silence for a minute, before she spoke up again. This time, her voice somewhat melancholic as a light chuckle escaped her lips.
"I don't suppose you would want a medal now do you?" She asked with an amused grin on her face now, looking at me with a look of understanding, a Look that I hated.
"No, I don't suppose I want a medal." I say in a forced calm, Holding back my desire to mock her as I take yet another drag, calming myself as a cloud of tobacco enters my lungs. Slowly killing me like the way she was killing me inside.
"Hah! No promotion either?" She said with a light chuckle, unfazed at my mannerisms. Hah, She really was difficult to work with, Not even Yukinoshita gave me this much trouble! At least the ice princess would insult me, mock me, Not allow my blatant acts of rudeness and disrespect go unpunished!
"No, I won't complain if you decide to transfer me to a garrison unit in Kabul however. I could always go for a kebab from the locals and carefree days where I'm guaranteed not to get shot at." I say with a slow drag from my cigarette.
"Hah! Oh if you only knew the number of times I've requested my unit to have garrison duty…" She said with a bittersweet chuckle now as her eyes flashed melancholically, a defeated small, smile now present on her face as we continued to walk. To nowhere really, I originally intended to go back to my tent, but we've passed the tents, and now we're just wandering aimlessly around camp.
...But somehow, this wasn't so bad. In fact, it felt...good. I don't know why or how, but this wasn't as bad as I thought, just talking like this. Takes me back to much simpler times. Where I could talk and you know,not fire a gun.
...Hah, It's pointless and I'm gonna haul ass the first time I get, So logically it wouldn't make sense to have conversations with people that I'm just gonna ditch...But having a conversation with someone once in a while wasn't bad...Right?
"...So, what are you gonna do after the war?" Came her sudden and abrupt question, Pulling me right out of my uninteresting monologue that I was having in my head.
Turning to look at her with a raised brow, I quietly contemplated on my answer to her. I had no reason to open up to her, No reason to tell her of my dreams, my ambitions in life...But at the same time, It wouldn't hurt?...Right?
It's not like I had any better to do, spending my days aloof and alone, reading Pravda papers and speculating on reasons as to why we're at this fucking pass got old really fucking quick.
Well, I suppose A short break won't hurt, right? What's she gonna do? At worst she'll know a lofty dream of mine that is rather unrealistic at the very least.
"...A househusband." I finally say after a pause, taking a heavy drag as I answer her.
"...What?" She asked incredulously with a face of awe and amusement, Something that ticked me off, just a little bit though.
"..You? A househusband? Time traveling would be much more realistic and somehow, more achievable than you ever becoming a househusband!" She exclaimed through a fit of giggles.
If only you knew.
I don't even bother changing my calm expression as I take another drag. Yeah yeah, Laugh it up. I don't care either way, Even I know that shit's unrealistic, given modern japan's economy and all.
She continued giggling as we continued walking without a certain destination in mind, just making an aimless round through camp, watching soldiers laze about here and there, with some of them promptly giving a salute as they saw her. Something to note however, was the mad amount of side eyes that they were giving me.
Yeah, yeah I know. I don't like it either, but this woman seems really intent on talking to me for some reason! And the worst part? I somehow, despite all odds, don't dislike this. Which disgusted me to no end.
"...Well, I suppose that it's only fair that I tell you what I'm going to do after the war!" She said enthusiastically, making me raise yet another brow at her. The hell? I didn't ask though, In fact, I'd rather not know really. The hell do you think we are? Friends?
"...It's a simple goal really, a bit far fetched, but not impossible." She says with an idealistic smile, reminiscent of that of a young girl's. A childish gleam in her eyes as a small, light hearted, genuine smile appears on her face now.
"I'm gonna participate in the Olympics! And I'm gonna take home the gold medal to boot as well!" She said with a longing look on her face now, Her words backed with confidence.
"I see, Well good luck with that." Was my simple reply, seriously, how was I supposed to respond to that? To this? Act like a protagonist straight from a fucking Bishounen manga? Sorry but I'm not a fucking normie! Jesus, this woman was really gonna be the end of me!
"Oh? I sense some doubt in your words, you don't think I can do you?" She says with a playful grin, clearly taking the piss outta me.
...Well, It's more of a matter of surviving this fucking hell hole first, But I'm not gonna say that. It would be pointless to. She out of everyone here should be aware of the chance of death in this godforsaken land known as Afghanistan.
"Eh, You might, You might not. Honestly, Participating in the Olympics itself would be a great achievement, I don't see the need for a gold medal." I say casually, taking a small drag as I do so.
"..." She pauses for a second, now looking at me once more with her damn near sparkling Pacific Blue eyes. Causing me to avoid her gaze as an Uncomfortable blush appears on my face. I never was good with women that got up close and personal.
"...No, I absolutely need a gold medal." She finally uttered out after a second, shaking her head wistfully as a small, sad smile now took hold of her face.
"Do you really now?" I say ask with a raised brow once more, something that I now find myself doing often with this woman.
"...What?" She asked curiously, a look of interest now on her face.
"I myself already hate pressure when it is put upon me. In fact, I'd rather laze around all day without doing much at all, That's why I want to be a househusband, No pressure, and I can just be a lazy piece of shit all day. Only doing the bare minimum. But in your case, It's the Olympics. You'd be representing the entire Soviet Union no doubt, that's some intense pressure you got there on your shoulders." I say offhandedly, not really putting much thought into my words.
"You can't really afford to fail with the Soviet Union watching your every move now can you? You wouldn't enjoy your experience there at all. It's like when your mom forces you to attend a family meeting even though you'd really rather not, and now you have to greet all of the relatives and so on. It's uncomfortable and generally not fun."
"...I won't fail." She said simply. A look of determination in her eyes now as she looked at me.
"I won't fail." She repeated again, this time more firmly.
I only shrug at this as I continue walking, not really buying her "Act"
"That's what everyone says, some fail, some don't. Not everyone is perfect. In fact, I find the perfect ones to be rather annoying."
"...How so?"
"Well, Think of it like this, Humans in itself are inherently flawed right? It's only human to be greedy, It's only human to be evil, It's only human to slip up and make mistakes. That shit's genuine, you can't make it up. It's all real."
"..."
"What isn't real however, is perfection. Never not getting what you want, Always being in the right, Being universally loved. That shit isn't natural, In fact, I'd argue that It isn't Human. That's just called overcompensating, bragging, being a machine, a character from a work of fiction. After all, To err is to Human. And being human, something real and genuine is already infinitely better than a machine of a human that never slips up or makes a mistake, a machine that never losses and always does everyone proud. Because the fact of the matter is, You can't always please everyone, you can't always make people proud of you, You can't always be victorious, because in reality that shit doesn't happen, It's not realistic to expect that out of someone. To always emerge victorious, only fools would do that to other people, I find most of the time, the weight itself is more than enough to crush any man or woman. The inevitable defeat and loss is merely an excuse for it."
"..."
"At the end of the day, I'm not a philosopher, That's just my take on life. Everyone, and I MEAN everyone is flawed in some way or the other. So I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to take the gold, or fail and get a silver medal. Because that's just life, And you have to deal with it until you die." I say, continuing to walk, my brain on autopilot as we make another round around camp.
"...Is it really alright?...Not to get a gold medal?" She asks with a look of longing, a sad smile on her face as she doesn't look at me, her eyes focused ahead on the road in front of her.
"Eh, I'd argue that the only thing that matters is whether you enjoy your time in the Olympics, Medal or not. Time is the one commodity that you can't afford to waste, so my personal take on the matter is to never do something that you wouldn't like to do...But that's a moot point isn't it? Considering that I'm stuck in Afghanistan fighting for my life most of the time." I say with an exasperated sigh, with a small, barely noticeable, smug grin on my face now. It was small, but it was there.
"..." She said nothing now as we continued to walk, her silence striking me somehow as quite heavy as she contemplated something in that head of hers. But eh, It seems like too much trouble to ask, so I won't bite. Already talking to her was one exception that I was already willing to make, to try and alleviate some boredom. And that was it, that was the only thing I would do. No more, no less.
The only exception in this situation of hard truths. And I'll keep it that way, until I get home, to them. To japan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Their over energetic footsteps immediately told me that something was wrong. That I was going to be involved in something troublesome and as expected, I was right. Lazing about in front of my tent, they caught me as I was taking a lazy drag, looking at the distant outskirts of the camp, not particularly looking at anything really, just looking at the whole thing really, not picking up any details as I inhaled the tobacco.
It was then that THEY appeared. Two particularly young men with energetic smiles, as they stopped in front of me and showered me with disgusting praise, trust me, how they said these words would make you cringe as well.
"Comrade Yuri! You are without a doubt, a hero of the soviet union!" They say with a fixed, cold smile. A fake smile that I'm rather used to seeing.
"..." I say nothing, giving them the cold shoulder as I take another drag, taking note of their Immaculate and clean uniforms.
"Oh come now comrade! Don't be like that! Modesty is good and all, but it's okay to take pride in yourself, and in your actions!" They say, unfazed by my act of solidarity.
They want something. No way in hell wouldn't if they were buttering me up this much. The question is however, What? What do they want of me? And What could be so important if they were buttering me up this much? Hah, can I just have one day where nothing uneventful happens? Is it that difficult?
"What do you want?" I say, abruptly cutting them off as they were yet again praising me, looking at me with a fake smile of theirs. Might as well cut it short, these men were annoying and it didn't look like they were leaving anytime soon.
"...We want you in the newspapers."
"Bloody thing, this war is. People are always suffering and all that."
"Nowadays, when you open the paper, it's just depressing news, ambush here, ambush there, the roads still closed, stuff like that."
"But with you? Oh, We've taken note of your recent actions."
"And We must say, that stuff is impressive. It's like you become a beast of destruction when you get thrown into the fray."
"How, you conduct yourself fearlessly? Any young man would be inspired upon reading of your actions!"
"You got the makings of a hero."
"And We'll make you one!"
They finally end their annoying yapping with a sales pitch. A sales pitch that I hold no interest in.They say they want to make me a hero? I don't buy it. And sides, I don't want to be a hero, never wanted to be. I just wanted to go home back to my family. That's all I want.
I obviously can't tell them that, but What I can do is wave them off. And I'm going to do just that.
"Hah? Young men would feel inspired upon reading of my actions? Inspired to run off to early deaths in the joke of an army that's known as the Afghanistan army?" I say with furrowed brows, an annoyed expression on my face now as I begin my snide counter attacks.
"..." They say nothing now, looking at me with rather grim, dark faces. Their smiles never once leaving their facing.
"I apologize but you'll have to find another suitable candidate. I've no interest in any of your proposals." I say curtly, Looking them directly in their eyes now. Telling them directly that I won't work with them.
"...I see."
"You won't...reconsider?" One of the two asks, his smile never leaving that damn face of his.
"...Comrades, men like me are a dime a dozen in Afghanistan. You need merely look and ask around, and you shall no doubt find your man. In fact, Comrade Pavlovna's actions are most commendable, Lieutenant Borris quite a good fighter as well."
"..." The two men say nothing now, their eyes not once leaving my face as they stand there silently, and unmoving.
"..." I combat their silence as I take a slow drag, Savoring the addictive tobacco as I paid them no mind, saying nothing, and letting my actions say everything.
The silent standoff last's for no less than a couple of minutes. I'm sorry but if you're expecting me to cave in due to pressure, then that won't happen. It will never happen, as long as I choose not to talk, then I shall not talk. I'm not like those Yuigahama who caves in easily, trying to appease everyone for nothing really. I'm not like Hayato who tries to keep the peace and smooth things over with everyone. I'm me. I'm my own man. And I do what I want, when I want it.
Finally, for just the briefest of seconds, I see one of the two's face's slightly twitch for just a moment, their stature reminding me of the senior commanders in the command tent that I was in earlier.
I smirk at them mockingly, further enforcing the response that I want nothing to do with them and their shenanigans. Taking a drag, I exhale a small puff of smoke, directly into the two's faces, To further nail in the fact that I wasn't going to go along with them and their plans, their ploys.
It was a gentle, polite yet firm show of disrespect, something small, small enough that It wasn't worth fighting over, yet you still felt it. It was an annoying thing, Getting disrespected, but in such a small manner that It wasn't worth replying. Yes, I love those signs of disrespect very much so. Picking fights with people and getting away virtually Scot free, their opinion of me in the shitter as I do so, giving them an excuse, a reason to dislike me.
It was a win win.
I was very much naturally a man of solitary nature. And I don't think I'll change that, ever. Not if I can help it.
"..We.." The first one said with a disappointed sigh, not once breaking his smile.
"See." The last of the two finished the simple, short sentence of the first. Their tone was calm and composed, but made quite clear of the disappointment and fury of me.
Eh, Not like I care. You can go suck the tail end of a gas pipe for all I care you lousy fucks! With a laid back shrug, I continue my triad of disrespect and passive aggressiveness.
"Don't take it to hard comrades, I'm sure that you will soon have another who will gladly go along with your plans. And to that, I wish you with the best of luck." A mocking, insulting smirk soon escaped my lips, antagonizing the rats under a normal, kind sentence of encouragement. Pleased that I was one of their choices and yet I still refused.
They tensed up at my words now, their well practiced, cold, distant smiles faltering for just the quickest of milliseconds before they controlled themselves once more and restrained themselves. Their false and untrusting smiles now once more adorning their faces.
"...Thank you for the kind words comrade." One of them said, A look of fury now burning in their eyes as they replied to me. Further making me more suspicious of them.
As they turned around to promptly leave, with a mocking smile, I chose to antagonize them even further. What? I'm no sadist, but what's so wrong with having a little bit of fun here and there?
"Oh yeah, and comrades?" I say abruptly, causing them to pause, and look at me hopefully and curiously. Their mouths slightly hung ajar in the air as they waited for my words.
"Comrades, A tip of advice? You really shouldn't wear your medals out in the open like that. I find that it gives the Mujahedin something to shoot at." I say with a snarky grin, much to their dismay.
Clicking their tongues, they shake their heads and approximately bugger off, leaving me alone and in peaceful solitude.
The Presence of these two men along with the older, senior officers struck a nerve in me. My gut tells me that something is off, something is wrong, you know, the stereotypical shit that detectives on tv shows say in those crime dramas.
It just doesn't seem like a coincidence, no It wasn't a coincidence. Those old men wanted something out of me, they wanted to use me as a puppet, but for what? I didn't know and quite frankly? I didn't care enough to find out. As long as they left me the fuck alone I would be okay.
But still… If there's one thing I've learned in this godforsaken shithole, It's to never trust a man with a shiny gun. Something they had. Their ak74's? Immaculate and pristine, what little I could see of their pistols from their holsters? Shiny as the sun. Hell, it practically reflected the sun's rays.
These two were suspicious.
Both my gut and mind told me that something was going to happen, whether I liked it or not.
Taking a drag, I expel the buildup of Tobacco smoke in my mouth as the smoke was thrown out in the air, only to linger for just a little bit, clinging on to nothing as it soon disappeared.
Closing my tired, lazy dead fish eyes, I deftly and slowly shook my head in irritation at it all.
Seriously, I can't catch a lucky break now can I?
Sigh.
"As Expected, my life is so wrong."