ECLIPSO: "Greetings, fauna fans! Today's episode finds our vexing villain, the Jester, developing a new scheme. Let's observe his... unique... thought process."
Jester is in his lair, watching a nature documentary on a giant screen. A lion is majestically roaring.
JESTER: (To SCRUB-BOT 3000) "See, SCRUB-BOT? The unadulterated freedom of the wild! The raw, untamed spirit! It's being suffocated by cages and 'Do Not Feed The Animals' signs! It's a travesty!"
SCRUB-BOT beeps, projecting a hologram of a "Please Clean Up After Your Animal" sign.
JESTER: "Precisely! My conscience cannot allow it! Tonight, I perform a act of villainous virtue! I will liberate every animal in the Eclipse City Zoo!"
ECLIPSO: "A surprising moral quandary for a criminal. His logic is, as ever, a fascinating train wreck. One can only hope the city's sewers are prepared for a capybara infestation."
You: "Yay! Free the penguins!"
In her room, Luna is tinkering with a sleek pair of glasses. She puts them on under her Comet Girl mask. She rebooted S.A.R.A. because her level of comedy was too high.
LUNA: "Okay, S.A.R.A. initialization. Synchronize with my cosmic frequency."
A soft, friendly, but utterly literal AI voice speaks in her ear.
S.A.R.A.:"Synced. Systems Operational. Hello, Lumina. Scanning metropolitan area. Probability of Jester-related incident: 98%. Suggested preemptive action: Take a nap. Statistically, he will have already failed by the time you wake up."
COMET GIRL: "Or, I could be a hero and stop him? Just a thought."
S.A.R.A. : "Noted. Adding 'unnecessary exertion' to today's log."
Jester, using a banana to pick a lock (which works because ToonForce), sneaks into the zoo at night.
JESTER: "Freedom for you! And you! And especially you, funny-looking monkey!"
He opens the capybara enclosure. The capybaras just blink slowly and continue to lounge. He opens the penguin exhibit. The penguins form a neat line and waddle out... directly to the zoo's fish market stall.
ECLIPSO: "His plan is simultaneously succeeding and failing spectacularly. The animals seem less interested in revolution and more in finding a better snack source."
Jester arrives at the lion's den. He strikes a pose.
JESTER: "Fear not, king of beasts! I shall—"
He slips on a bar of soap someone left near the enclosure. His body flails through the air in a spiral before he lands, perfectly seated on the lion's back. The lion looks more confused than angry.
JESTER: "...I meant to do that. Onward, noble steed! To free—"
FWOOOSH! Comet Girl lands.
COMET GIRL: "Jester! Stop this at once! You can't just— is that a lion?"
S.A.R.A. : "Scanning. Species: Panthera leo. Threat level: Medium. Suggested action: Ask it nicely to put the villain down."
The lion, startled by Comet Girl's arrival, decides to go for a stroll. With Jester still on its back, holding on for dear life, it lopes through the zoo.
JESTER: "I'M FREEING YOU! WHY ARE YOU FREEING ME?!"
They crash through the bird aviary. A flock of parrots now flies after them, squawking.
PARROTS: "Why are you freeing me?! Polly wants a cracker! Code violation! Code violation!"
They skid past the reptile house. A python gets tangled around Jester's ankle.
COMET GIRL: (Flying after them) "This is a disaster! S.A.R.A., analysis!"
S.A.R.A. : "Analysis: The subject is creating a conga line of chaos. Calculating optimal interception vector... error. Suggestion: Perhaps we could sell tickets? Projected revenue: High."
ECLIPSO: "The zoo has, effectively, become a zoo. The irony is not lost on this narrator, though it is deeply, deeply annoying."
Jester and the lion slide into the seal pool with a huge SPLASH. The python lets go and swims away happily. The parrots perch on the edge, offering critique.
Comet Girl uses her cosmic energy not to fight, but to gently herd the animals. She creates a soft, glowing slide that leads the penguins back to their exhibit. She makes a net of starlight to gently guide the capybaras home.
S.A.R.A. : "Directive 'Be a Hero' is conflicting with Directive 'Don't Get Slobbered On by a Sea Lion.' Please advise."
She finally uses a cosmic fish to lure the lion out of the pool and back into its enclosure. Jester climbs out, sopping wet, followed by a very proud seal that thinks he's its new best friend.
COMET GIRL: "Jester, this is why we have rules!"
JESTER: (Wringing out his hat) "But... freedom..."
SEAL: "Arf! Arf!" (Agreeing with Jester)
The zoo was quiet again, save for the occasional happy "Arf!" from the seal and the distant squawk of a parrot complaining about the accommodations. Jester was sitting in a small, stainless-steel holding cell on the back of a zoo security cart, looking like a soggy, disappointed party decoration. The friendly seal still gazed at him adoringly through the bars, its big wet eyes full of admiration for the human who brought so much excitement.
COMET GIRL: (Hands on her hips, but with a slight smile) "See, Jester? Your heart was in the right place, I'll give you that. But your methods are... well, they're a mess. A wet, furry, feathery mess."
JESTER: (Wringing out his jester's hat, producing a seemingly endless stream of water) "You wouldn't understand, you cosmic conformist! You've never known the profound oppression of a locked door! The existential dread of a 'Keep Off The Grass' sign! The sheer tyranny of a 'No Ball Games' poster!"
As he dramatically gestured with the sopping hat, he didn't notice the very same bar of soap he'd slipped on earlier. It had been washed along in the chaos and was now, conveniently, right under the cart's wheel. The security guard, trying to be helpful, gave the cart a little push to move it.
The wheel ran over the soap. It shot out from under the tire like a rocket, flew through the air, and—SPLOOSH—landed directly in the seal's open mouth.
The seal, surprised, swallowed it.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, the seal let out a gigantic, incredibly soapy BUUUURP!
A massive bubble, the size of a beach ball, floated out of its mouth. It drifted lazily on the breeze, shimmering with iridescent colors. It floated right past the lock on Jester's cell.
POP.
The simple pop of the bubble was followed by a much more metallic CLICK! The lock on the cell door spontaneously disengaged, and the door swung open with a cheerful little squeak.
Jester and Comet Girl stared at it. Even the seal looked surprised.
S.A.R.A. : "Analyzing event sequence: Slippery hygiene product. Ungulate ingestion. Gaseous expulsion. Soap-based spherical construct. Acoustic-induced vibration. Precision metallurgical failure." ... "Conclusion: The universe is not only poorly written, it's also fucking ridiculous."
COMET GIRL: "S.A.R.A.! Language!"
S.A.R.A. : "Apologies. The simulation is experiencing... feelings."
Jester stared at the open door, then at Comet Girl, then at the seal. He let out a sigh so deep it could have come from the bottom of the seal pool.
JESTER: "Oh, what's the point? What is even the point anymore?!" He gestured wildly at the open door. "The universe itself is the most incompetent accomplice ever! It sets up the gag but never sticks the landing!"
He stood up, stepped out of the cell... and then turned around. With the dignity of a defeated monarch, he reached out, grabbed the door, and pulled it firmly shut. CLICK.
JESTER: "I yield to a higher power: bureaucratic due process. I'll just wait for the real cops. At least their nonsense makes a boring, predictable kind of sense."
Just then, the parrot from earlier flew down and landed on top of the cell. It peered at Jester.
PARROT: "Code violation! Code violation! Sentence: life! With no parole! Cracker?"
Jester slumped against the bars. The seal nuzzled his hand sympathetically.
COMET GIRL: (Trying very hard not to laugh) "Well... good choice? I'll, uh, I'll make sure they bring you a dry towel."
She gave a little wave and shot up into the sky, leaving the world's most pathetic villain and his fan club of one behind.
ECLIPSO : "And so, order is restored not by fists or cosmic energy, but by the villain's own overwhelming sense of dramatic futility and a soap-bubble's whimsy. My report for the home office is going to require so many footnotes."
ECLIPSO:"NEXT TIME, ON ECLIPSE CITY OF CHAOS! Get ready for... EPISODE 7: 'JAILBREAK! - PART 1'! Same Chaos-time! Same Chaos-channel!"
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Post-Credit Scene
The screen is black. Two glowing, sinister eyes open.
MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN: (Voice dripping with disdain)
"Freeing animals? How pedestrian. A true agent of chaos doesn't open cages..."
The eyes fade, leaving only darkness.
(dun Dun DUNN!!)
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