ECLIPSO: "Greetings, celestial spectators! Welcome back! Our data streams indicate today's forecast for Eclipse City is a 100% chance of chaotic shenanigans, courtesy of the inexplicable enigma known as... The Jester. On the day of celestial stars being aligned in one line, let's see what the clown has planned."
YOU: (Sitting cross-legged on the floor, way too close to the TV, crunching on a bowl of sugary cereal) "He's my favorite! He's so weird!"
Jester is frantically typing at a holoscreen, covered in complex equations. SCRUB-BOT 3000 beeps worriedly.
JESTER: "The calculations are perfect, SCRUB-BOT! The planetary alignment has granted the astronomical crystals at the planetarium peak refractive luminosity! By stealing them and constructing a monumental statue of my glorious visage, I will focus that energy and... and... honestly, it'll just look really cool and make me famous. The science is secondary to the spectacle!"
He triumphantly hits ENTER. The holoscreen doesn't display a complex schematic. Instead, it shows a crude MS-Paint-style drawing of a stick figure with a jester's hat next to a sparkly blob. The computer speakers play a sad trombone sound: wah-wah-wahhhhh.
JESTER: (Sighs deeply) "I don't know why I even bother with the technobabble. Something always goes wrong. It's like the universe itself is a bad writer who hates my motivation. Phase One: The Diversion!"
ECLIPSO: "Fascinating. His technology is clearly advanced, yet it consistently fails to perform as intended. My analysis drones are baffled. It's as if his very presence introduces a... narrative error into reality."
Outside the Eclipse City Bank, the clunky POW-BOT stomps. Jester is on a rooftop, controlling it.
JESTER: (Into a headset) "POW-BOT! Menace the financial district! Use the... uh... economically unsettling stomp maneuver!"
Comet Girl lands. "Jester! Your reign of... whatever this is... ends now!"
JESTER: "CURSE YOU, COMET GIRL! You've seen through my brilliantly obvious plan that was designed specifically to be seen through! RETREAT!"
The POW-BOT doesn't run. Instead, its legs suddenly become springs.
It boioioings away down the street, disappearing over the horizon with a faint ding!
COMET GIRL: "...How does he do that?"
S.A.R.A: "Considering Last time Jester Magically poped a unicycle from his pocket... No idea!"
ECLIPSO: " Jester continues to defy all known physical and strategic laws. My logs are filled with 'ERROR: EVENT NOT POSSIBLE' annotations. It's... irritating."
ECLIPSO: "With Comet Girl successfully lured away by the spring-loaded automaton, Jester makes his way to the planetarium's main plaza. But a true artiste of anarchy cannot simply steal. He must first... perform."
Jester, reveling in his momentary success, leaps onto the base of a fountain in the planetarium plaza. A small crowd of confused tourists and scientists gathers below, unsure if this is part of the show.
JESTER: (Striking a dramatic pose, chest puffed out) "Citizens of Eclipse City! Gaze upon me and despair! For I have orchestrated this celestial event! The hour of my triumph is at hand!"
He points a dramatic finger towards the sky, even though it's the middle of the afternoon.
JESTER: "THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED!"
The crowd looks up, sees a few faint dots in the blue sky, and shrugs.
JESTER: "THE FESTIVAL IS NIGH! GENERAL JESTER, THE STARSCOURGE, COMMANDS THE—"
FWOOSH! A streak of light slams down next to the fountain, causing the water to slosh over the sides. COMET GIRL lands, one hand on her hip, the other pointing accusingly.
COMET GIRL: "JESTER! DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!"
Jester is frozen mid-pose, his dramatic energy completely shattered.
JESTER: "Wha—? I was in the middle of my monologue! It's a classic! The build-up! The gravitas!"
COMET GIRL: (Looking panicked, but not for the reason he thinks) "Gravitas? I'm trying to save you from a lawsuit! Do you have any idea the copyright lawyers that company has?! They're scarier than any superhero! You can't just go around using famous boss intro dialogues without permission!"
S.A.R.A.: "Although, I think Miyazaki would love the reference."
COMET GIRL: (Whispering) "Hey! Don't tell him that, or he will make many more references later in the show!"
The crowd murmurs in agreement. One guy in a "Let Me Solo Her" t-shirt nods vigorously.
JESTER: (Completely deflated) "You're... you're not here about the crystal heist? You're here about... intellectual property infringement?"
ECLIPSO: "A surprising turn of events. The hero's primary concern has shifted from grand larceny to potential litigation. The logic is... oddly sound."
You: (Leaning forward) "Whoa. Lawyers. That is scary."
Jester slumps his shoulders, his moment utterly ruined.
JESTER: "Fine. You've sucked all the fun out of it. No epic title. No dramatic title drop. Just... a simple, boring crystal theft. You're a buzzkill, Comet Girl."
He hops off the fountain and stomps towards the planetarium's side entrance, grumbling under his breath about "fair use" and "artistic homage."
COMET GIRL: (Sighs in relief) "Crisis averted. Now, to stop the actual crime."
Jester is in the planetarium with the Cryo-Suck 5000.
JESTER: "Finally, a moment without... her." Zoop! Zoop! Two crystals are sucked up perfectly.
You: "He's doing it! He's actually doing it!"
He aims at the third crystal. He pulls the trigger. The vacuum whirs, then BURPS out the two crystals it just collected, covering Jester in glitter. The third crystal remains untouched.
JESTER: "I literally built you an hour ago! How are you already broken?!"
Frustrated, he goes to grab it by hand. The floor becomes a giant treadmill. He runs in place, his legs a blur.
JESTER: (Panting) "See?! This! This is what I'm talking about! Who wrote this?! Show yourself!"
ECLIPSO: "He is now shouting at the architectural foundations of the building. His mental state is... deteriorating. Note: Update his profile from 'calculating genius' to 'unlucky shouty man.'"
Comet Girl has arrived back at the sprung POW-BOT, which is now just gently rocking back and forth.
COMET GIRL: "A spring-based getaway. It's so... stupid. It doesn't make any sense. It's like a bad cartoon." Her eyes widen. "A cartoon... which means it's a distraction! The planetarium!"
She zooms off.
ECLIPSO: "Her deduction is flawless. Her power is absolute. Surely, this will be the end of Jester's illogical scheme."
Comet Girl bursts in. "Jester! Cosmic Ray Barrage!"
The magnificent blast of cosmic energy hits Jester. Instead of harming him, it instantly cleans and presses his costume, polishes his buttons, and styles his hair perfectly.
JESTER: (Looking down at himself) "Huh. Well, that's a new one. Thank you?"
COMET GIRL: (Fuming, energy crackling uselessly around her fists) "WHY?! Why are you my absolute kryptonite?! You're not even super-powered! My cosmic awareness says you're just a normal human! A REALLY annoying one!"
JESTER: "The feeling is mutual! Now, if you'll excuse me, my statue of—OW!"
He steps on a crystal, slips, and falls onto the Cryo-Suck 5000's hose. It sucks up his hat, then his head, then his entire body. Sllluurrp! He's deposited into the tank, a tangled mess, with a crystal on his nose.
Comet Girl just stares, her anger replaced by utter bewilderment.
COMET GIRL: "...How does someone so clumsy even become a villain?"
ECLIPSO: "Conclusion: Comet Girl's powers are ineffective due to an, as yet, unidentified reality-warping field centered on Jester. Alternatively, the writer have no idea how to let her win and is just making things up as they go along."
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Post-Credit Scene
The screen is black. Two glowing, sinister eyes open.
MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN: (Voice deep, distorted, and dripping with contempt)
"A statue? How vainglorious. A true artist doesn't seek a monument, Pethetic."
The eyes fade, leaving only darkness.
(dun Dun DUNN!!)
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ECLIPSO: "Tune in next time, dear viewer, for more inexplicable events on... Eclipse City of Chaos! And remember: if reality starts to glitch, just tap the side of the television. It sometimes helps."
You: (Taps the TV screen. The picture wobbles.) "Whoa. Cool." [The screen cuts to static and you drift off to sleep on the floor.]