ECLIPSO: "Greetings, temporal travelers! Today's episode finds our villain in a state of profound... inertia. Let's observe the creature in its natural habitat."
The scene is Jester's lair. The lights are dim. The air is thick with the smell of cheese and regret. Jester is buried under a mountain of empty pizza boxes, burger wrappers, and chip bags. On a massive screen, a distorted, black-and-white Mickey Mouse is Steamboat Willie-ing his heart out.
JESTER: (Muffled, from beneath the garbage) "SCRUB-BOT... more cheesy puffs... and pass the remote... my finger is too greasy to press the button..."
SCRUB-BOT 3000 beeps mournfully, using its mop arm to nudge a family-sized bag of cheesy puffs closer to the pile. It then extends a delicate claw to press the volume button on the remote.
Jester emerges, his costume straining at the seams. He looks like a beach ball with a jester's hat.
JESTER: (Patting his substantial belly) "You know, SCRUB-BOT, I've achieved a new level of genius. A perfect equilibrium of caloric intake and minimal movement. It's just... oof... getting a little hard to see my own feet."
He tries to get up to get another soda. The couch groans in protest. He rolls off instead, landing on the floor with a sound like a waterbed falling off a cliff.
JESTER: "Okay... new plan. I need to be slim again. But exercise is hard and salads are a crime against humanity. I know! I'll build a time machine!"
ECLIPSO: "A perfectly logical solution. Why change your habits when you can simply rewrite the past to eliminate their consequences?"
You: (Eating a candy bar) "A time machine! Cool!"
Jester waddles over to his workbench. He begins frantically welding toasters, a treadmill (still in its box), and several microwave ovens together. He tops it all off with a giant, swirling vortex generator made from a salad spinner and a disco ball.
JESTER: "Behold! The 'Fat-B-Gone' 9000! I'll simply go back in time to before I ate that seventeenth pizza and stop myself! It's foolproof!"
SCRUB-BOT beeps a series of concerned warnings about paradoxes.
JESTER: "Nonsense! My ToonForce laughs in the face of paradoxes! It probably won't even notice!"
He finishes the machine. It looks less like a time machine and more like a junk pile that's about to catch fire. He sets the dial to "3 Days Ago" and presses a big red button labeled "GO!"
The machine shudders. Lights flicker. The disco ball spins, casting sparkly lights around the room.
ECLIPSO: "The laws of physics are bracing for impact."
Outside the lair, Comet Girl is on patrol.
S.A.R.A. : *"Scanning. Detecting massive energy build-up from the Jester's location. Analysis: Either a new villainous scheme or a very problematic buffet. Probability: 50/50."*
COMET GIRL: "Ugh, what is he doing now?" She flies down towards his rooftop ventilation shaft to peek inside.
Just as she gets close, the "Fat-B-Gone" 9000 finally activates. It doesn't create a neat portal. Instead, it emits a massive SUCC that sounds like a cosmic vacuum cleaner.
Every loose object in the lair--pizza boxes, SCRUB-BOT, the remote, Jester--is pulled towards the vortex.
Jester grabs onto his couch. "WHOAH! I think I overdid it on the suction!"
The suction punches a Jester-shaped hole through his roof. Comet Girl, who was right outside, gets caught in the pull.
COMET GIRL: "WHA-?! HEY!"
She's yanked off her feet and sucked down through the hole, tumbling head over heels into the chaotic vortex alongside Jester, a screaming SCRUB-BOT, and a cloud of cheesy dust.
S.A.R.A. : "Alert: Experiencing rapid unscheduled disassembly of spacetime. This was not in the user manual. Goodbyyyyyyyyyy-"
The signal cuts out. The machine explodes in a shower of sparks, toast, and melted cheese.
You: "She got sucked in too?! Awesome!"
WHUMP!
Jester, Comet Girl, and SCRUB-BOT land in a heap in the middle of a vast, sun-scorched desert. A pyramid looms in the distance. The air shimmers with heat.
JESTER: (Spitting out sand) "Ugh. I told you to set it for three days ago, not three thousand! This is worse than that time I tried to get a tan and accidentally painted myself orange!"
COMET GIRL: (Stumbling to her feet, dizzy) "Jester! What did you do?! Where are we? And why do you smell like pepperoni?"
S.A.R.A. : (Voice crackling, glitching) *"Approximate... location... Giza Plateau. Approximate... date... 2,500 B.C.E. Local time... is... beach weather. System error: Cannot find Wi-Fi. Existential crisis... imminent."*
They look up. A group of Egyptian laborers, building the pyramid, have stopped working. They are staring, open-mouthed, at the strange arrivals.
One laborer points at Jester's bright, colorful, and very fat costume.
LABORER 1: (In ancient Egyptian) "Behold! The great god Bes has returned! And he is... prosperous!"
The laborers all drop to their knees and bow.
JESTER: (Preening) "You see? Respect. This is more like it."
COMET GIRL: "They think you're a god? You're a menace with a cheese addiction!"
The Egyptians, convinced Jester is the jovial god Bes, bring him and Comet Girl to the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh, a grumpy-looking man with a massive beard and a crooked crown, is unimpressed.
PHARAOH: (Through a translator) "So, 'Great Bes.' If you are a true god, you will prove it! The sacred scarab beetle of Ra has escaped its golden box! He who retrieves it will have my favor!"
He points to a small, shiny beetle skittering across the hot sands at an incredible speed.
JESTER: "A bug? Pfft. Child's play. Watch this." He turns to SCRUB-BOT. "SCRUB-BOT! Deploy the... uh... Beetle-Nabber 5000!"
SCRUB-BOT, covered in sand, beeps confusedly. It doesn't have a Beetle-Nabber 5000. Instead, it extends its mop.
JESTER: "Close enough!"
He waddles after the beetle, swinging the mop like a net. He misses completely and steps on a rake someone left inexplicably in the desert. The handle flies up and bonks him on the head. BONK!
The Egyptians gasp, then applaud. They think it's a divine comedy routine.
COMET GIRL: (Facepalming) "I can't watch this."
ECLIPSO: "A fascinating cultural exchange is occurring. The ancient Egyptians are interpreting abject failure as divine performance art. They may be on to something."
After a long, hilarious, and utterly failed chase that involves Jester getting chased by a camel he accidentally insulted, the sacred scarab beetle finally zooms right into a hole at the base of the Great Sphinx.
JESTER: (Panting, hands on his knees) "Okay... it's in there... no problem..."
PHARAOH: "Retrieve it, oh Mighty Bes! Prove your divinity!"
Jester peers into the dark, ominous hole. He can't fit. He's too... prosperous.
JESTER: "SCRUB-BOT! You're small! You go in!"
He picks up the beeping, protesting robot and stuffs it into the hole. SCRUB-BOT disappears into the darkness.
Silence.
Then, from deep within the Sphinx, they hear a low, grinding sound. Not a machine sound. A stone sound. The ground begins to tremble.
The eyes of the Great Sphinx begin to glow with an eerie, green light. A deep, rumbling voice that sounds like grinding granite echoes across the desert.
THE SPHINX: "WHO... DISTURBS... MY... SLUMBER...?"
The Pharaoh, the laborers, and Comet Girl all freeze in terror.
Jester, however, just looks annoyed.
JESTER: "Ugh, great. A talking statue. Probably wants to tell me a riddle. I hate riddles. They're not even funny."
The entrance to the Sphinx's chamber begins to slide shut, trapping SCRUB-BOT inside.
COMET GIRL: "Jester! Your robot!"
JESTER: "SCRUB-BOT! Talk to me! What do you see in there?!"
From the hole, just before it closes completely, SCRUB-BOT's voice is heard, not beeping, but translated by some ancient magic into a terrified, high-pitched scream:
SCRUB-BOT: "IT'S A REALLY, REALLY BIG CAT! AND IT'S ANGRY! AAAAAAAAAH-"
The stone door slams shut with a final, thunderous BOOM.
The glowing eyes of the Sphinx turn directly toward Jester and Comet Girl.
TO BE CONTINUED...
You: (Dropping your popcorn) "NO WAY! A MUMMY? A MONSTER?! WHAT IS IT?! AND WAS THAT A JOJO REFERENCE!?"
Eclipso appears on screen, wearing a cheap plastic Pharaoh beard and headdress.
ECLIPSO: "Well, viewers! It seems our heroes are in a sphinx of a pickle! Will Jester defeat the beast within? Will Comet Girl ever get a decent cell signal? And will SCRUB-BOT be... litter-ally boxed? Find out next time on Eclipse City of-- oh, wait, we're in Egypt now. Find out next time on... Sphinx City of Chaos!"
He looks confused.
ECLIPSO: "That doesn't sound right. Just... stay tuned!"
You:"I have to wait?! But what about the robot?!" You groan and slump on the floor, already counting the days until Part 2.
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Post-Credit Scene
MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN: (Voice is a dry, ancient whisper, like sand falling on stone)
"A time machine... to solve a weight problem."
"The arrogance of the modern idiot... is truly timeless, Pathetic." Proceed to drink an orange juice out of Nowhere.
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