ECLIPSO: "Greetings, admirers of anarchy! Today, our villain's eyes are gleaming with greed, fixed upon Eclipse City's newest... and shiniest... attraction."
The camera pans across Eclipse City's central square, where a massive crowd has gathered. On a pedestal, covered by a giant tarp, is the newly unveiled Golden Statue of Mayor Bottomsworth. The sun glints off a corner of the tarp, revealing it's made of actual, solid gold.
Jester is perched on a nearby rooftop, using a telescope that's backwards. He's drooling.
JESTER: (To SCRUB-BOT 3000) "SCRUB-BOT, behold! A monument to municipal vanity! So much gold! So... malleable! I could melt it down and build a solid gold version of me! Then everyone would have to look at me, even when I'm not committing crimes! It's the ultimate vanity project!"
SCRUB-BOT beeps, projecting a hologram of a much smaller, tin-foil statue.
JESTER: "Nonsense! My genius will not be constrained by practicality! Tonight, I steal that statue!"
ECLIPSO: "A classic plan. One can only imagine what form his 'distraction' will take. My sensors are detecting a significant spike in the city's probability of spontaneous silliness."
You: (Munching on popcorn) "Ooh, a gold statue! He's gonna get caught for sure!"
Jester, wearing a unconvincing janitor disguise, pushes a large, ominous-looking button on a remote.
Across the square, his "distraction" activates: the PIE-O-MATIC 5000, a clunky robot with a catapult arm and a tank full of custard.
PIE-O-MATIC 5000: (Monotone voice) "INITIATING... MERRY HELL."
It begins launching pies with terrifying accuracy. Not at people, but at objects.
A pie hits a streetlamp, which bends over like a noodle to avoid it.
A pie hits a mailbox, which opens its mouth, eats the pie, and then burps.
A pie hits a policeman's hat, which spins around on his head, dizzying him.
The square erupts into chaotic, custardy confusion. People slip on banana peels that appear from nowhere. A small dog wearing a tiny hat chases its own tail so fast it becomes a blur.
COMET GIRL: (Zooming into the scene) "Jester! This is the silliest crime spree yet!"
She tries to blast the PIE-O-MATIC, but her cosmic energy just gives the next pie a beautiful, glittery nebula effect before it splats against a businessman, leaving him dazed and sparkly.
JESTER: (Rubbing his hands together) "Perfect! While she's dealing with the dessert-based disaster, the statue is mine!"
ECLIPSO: "The distraction is a success. The hero is entirely occupied with a sentient, pastry-launching machine. A sentence I never thought I'd have to say."
Jester sneaks up to the statue. He pulls out a giant cartoon magnet on a stick.
JESTER: "Nothing to it! One touch and-"
He touches the magnet to the statue. It doesn't pull the statue. Instead, the entire pedestal, with the statue on top, now has a magnetic charge. It zips off the platform, with Jester desperately holding onto the magnet, and begins zooming erratically around the square like a runaway shopping cart.
JESTER: "WHOAH! OKAY! NEW PLAN!"
The statue-on-wheels smashes through the pie fight, collecting several pies on the Mayor's golden face. It knocks over the spinning dog. It heads straight for Comet Girl.
COMET GIRL: "Incoming!"
She tries to stop it with a cosmic barrier. The statue hits the barrier, stops dead, but Jester keeps going. He flies off the magnet, his body stretching like rubber before SPROINGLING! back and wrapping himself around the statue like a limp noodle.
You: (Giggling uncontrollably) "He's a spaghetti!"
The magnetic charge wears off. The statue, now stationary, has Jester tangled around it. He unwraps himself, dizzy.
JESTER: "Okay... brute force it is! RESCUE-O-TRON! Lend a hand!"
RESCUE-O-TRON: (Stomping out of an alley) "AFFIRMATIVE. INITIATING 'HEAVY LIFTING' PROTOCOL."
The robot grabs the statue. It strains. Its gears groan. It manages to lift the statue a few inches off the ground... but its feet sink into the pavement like it's quicksand. Soon, only its head is visible, beeping mournfully from a hole in the ground, the statue perched precariously on top.
JESTER: "Useless!"
He decides to push it himself. He strains and pushes. The statue doesn't move. But the ground underneath him does. He's on a sidewalk slab that's now acting like a treadmill, his legs running a million miles an hour but going nowhere.
COMET GIRL: (Having finally disabled the PIE-O-MATIC) "Give it up, Jester! It's too heavy!"
JESTER: (Still running) "NEVER! I'LL... HUFF... LEVERAGE... PUFF... PHYSICS!"
He spots a seesaw in a nearby park. A brilliant, Looney Tunes idea forms in his head.
ECLIPSO: "Ah, the classic see-saw plan. A staple of cartoon physics and catastrophic failure."
Jester uses a giant pulley system (made of rubber chickens and his own belt) to haul the statue onto one end of the seesaw. The statue's weight sends the other end flying high into the air.
JESTER: "Yes! Now, I'll just jump on the high end, and the statue will be launched right into my
waiting truck!"
He climbs the seesaw. He takes a running start. He leaps onto the high end with a triumphant cry.
His end of the seesaw slams down. The statue-end flies up... but the statue doesn't move. It's too heavy. Instead, the bolt holding the seesaw to its base pops out.
The entire seesaw, with Jester on one end and the statue on the other, now acts like a giant, out-of-control windmill. It spins wildly through the square.
Jester is whipped around, his body flapping in the wind like a flag. "WOOOOOOBLEWOBBLEWOBBLE!"
The statue, on the other end, smashes through the "Now Leaving Eclipse City" sign.
COMET GIRL: (Watching the spinning seesaw) "I don't even know what to do with that."
S.A.R.A. : "Calculating trajectory... My conclusion is to stand back and enjoy the show. Popcorn?"
The spinning seesaw finally loses momentum. It teeters for a second before the bolt gives way completely. The plank of the seesaw falls.
Jester's end lands first, with a soft thud on a pillow truck full of feathers that wasn't there a second ago.
The statue-end of the plank, however, lands directly on the empty pedestal. It balances perfectly for a breathtaking second... then tips over.
CLANG! CRUNCH!
It doesn't fall to the ground. It falls perfectly onto the now-vacant mayor's podium next to the pedestal. The gold statue is now standing at the podium, its pie-covered face looking out over the confused crowd.
The crowd stares. There's a silence.
Then, they erupt into applause. They think it's a brilliant, avant-garde art installation!
Mayor Bottomsworth puffs out his chest. "Yes! Yes! My magnificent statue! So dynamic! So... interactive!"
Jester, covered in feathers, sits up from the pillow truck. He looks at the statue, now being celebrated. He looks at his empty truck.
JESTER: (Sighing) "Well, I guess technically, I moved it."
A single, final pie from the disabled PIE-O-MATIC 5000 launches itself through the air and splats directly onto Jester's face.
COMET GIRL: (Landing next to him) "Looks like your plan... crust in pieces, Jester."
Jester just peels a piece of crust off his nose.
JESTER: "...That was a good one. I hate that it was a good one."
ECLIPSO: "And so, the villain is defeated not by strength, but by irony and baked goods. A truly poetic justice."
Eclipso appears on screen, wearing a chef's hat and holding a pie.
ECLIPSO: "Well, viewers, another day, another disaster averted with dessert! What will our pie-faced villain get up to next? A daring heist on a bakery? A scheme involving anvils? The possibilities are as endless as the supply of custard! So stay tuned!"
He smashes the pie on the camera.
You: "PIE FIGHT!" you yell, and pretend to throw a pie at the TV.
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Post-Credit Scene
The screen is black. Two glowing, sinister eyes open. A single, animated vein is throbbing on its forehead.
MYSTERIOUS VILLAIN: (Voice is a low, seething growl)
"A seesaw."
"He tried to steal a monument... with a children's playground toy."
"I am losing my respect for the fundamentally stupid."
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