It takes like five minutes of walking, and one rant.
"I WILL KILL THE FUCKER THAT GASSED MY HOUSE!" I yell furiously.
A man fires a gunshot. I glare at him tensely. He's a skinny black man sitting on a white porch in front of a white house. Wearing a white shirt and black pants. Smoking weed menacingly. Then I look at his gun. It's a stupid homemade gizmo. I laugh at him.
"You're illegal as shit. Does that gun hold multiple rounds?" I laugh cockily.
"Shouldn't you be dead, bitch!?" Old Man snaps angrily.
I feel a nail in my head. I pull out the nail, it's bloody. My vision is weird, but it looks like a typical adrenaline rush. I just laugh.
"The bullet ain't big enough. So are you the one trying to kill me? Let's get to it then." I say cockily.
I run at him, and he starts reloading in the stupidest way I slow down to laugh. He has to lodge a nail between three nails to fire a rubber band nail at me. It's silly as shit. I walk up to him and punch him in the throat. As the gun is loaded. Then I'm so bloodlusted and giddy, I shoot him in the throat.
"Fuck you bitch. Welcome to Vigilante town mother fucker." I say cockily.
I get tackled and restrained to the ground by cops. Literally. For once. Then I'm taken to my room where Government Agent Dan reveals Anarchist Capitalism is a bitch.
"We're taking that murder out of your paycheck!" Dan says angrily.
"Huh? That's it?" I say confusedly.
My CEO is in the room, grinning maliciously.
"You killed a pedophile that gassed your house. You're a good worker, so we're paying the bill. But it's out of your check. You get paid $15 an hour now. For a while. Until the court cases are done." CEO says warmly.
I'm confused, until it clicks for me.
"Gotta love when karma is on my side." I say happily.
Chris Hanson 101. We all hate pedophiles. Life is a joke when you're a pedophile. That's why their builds are so good. We all want them dead! That's why anime shit like water mist plus sound equals BIG BANG ATTACK! Happens. Cause pedophiles need to beat armies with one tool. Or five.
They all leave the room. Then as I usually expect, it happens. My mom starts crying and screaming at me cause her friend was a criminal pedophile and he's dead now. Big whoop.
EXCEPT HE'S NOT! The next day he's back with a gun and a voice box in his throat. I'm legit confused.
"What the fuck is this?" I say, confused. "I've dealt with this before, but this is still ridiculous."
I have, it's noise banging. They bang your ears with noise. Fuck them, they're douches. He hits me with the noise. I squirm in pain, until I push through the pain and punch him in the throat. He starts choking as his voice box fell down his throat. I laugh, then stare confusedly at the large hole.
"That whole cracker box was just like an Ipod. Did you put one in your throat?" I say confusedly.
He starts bleeding out his throat and runs away. I just… stand there bewildered for a moment. Until a fucking child throws a rock at me. I turn, ready to murder him until Kid Smarts 101 happens. I don't like beating up children, so I negotiate instead with ease.
"Kid, don't do that. That's bad. Very mean." I say with childish seriousness.
"I don't care, that's my Grandpa." Mexican Child says angrily.
I sigh angrily. He's like, 5 or something. I hate children but have a solution. He runs at me with a fucking knife. Ugh, I catch it with ease cause I'm based. Then I sweep his legs out from under him with a kick and sit on him. Then I take his weapons and walk away. And go home and pout.
Then the child threatens suicide in my yard with a pellet gun.
"GIVE ME BACK MY TOYS OR I'LL KILL MYSELF!" Mexican Child screams furiously.
I stare at him blankly, already knowing the odds of this situation is stupidly in my favor.
"You can survive a pellet gun. Don't you shoot each other with them already?" I say bluntly.
He cries, becoming red faced and throwing a temper tantrum. He even smacks his head into the ground. I shrug and start walking inside. Until my mom walks up crying to me.
"Kegan, he really will kill himself if you don't stop." she cries miserably.
"Yeah, but his toy was a knife. That is mine now." I say angrily.
I smirk amusedly to myself.
"Cause it's a cool knife." I say happily.
It's an iridescent knife, all rainbowy and shiz.
"Give it. Or I'll kill youuuu!" he says like a dramatic anime villain.
"Your five. I'll punt you." I say bluntly.
He pulls out a second knife. It's black and shiny. I want it. I show a front kick. He gets a nosebleed and starts overanalyzing too hard immediately. I sigh angrily.
"He's a combat analyst. As a five year old. He's gonna get brain damage for a long time." I say sadly.
"What do you mean?" Mom says miserably.
"He is gonna theory craft for the rest of his life on how to kill me. Cause he's bored." I say bitterly.
He starts crying and defending himself.
"No I won't, I'm a good boy! Promise!" he says seriously.
He glares at me too hard, and I just dealt with his evil Grandpa. Fuck this kid. I go inside and pout while my mom deals with him. Cause fuck her and that kid.
My house is thinned out. There's still gas, so I go back outside and walk some more. Cause why not? I hesitate for a moment, then manliness wins out.
"Cause bitch, I live here. I walk the block bitch." I say angrily to myself.
I feel heat form from that, but I push on. For a while. Until I notice something is off. I turn around. An old man from work is following me around with a heated leaf blower.
"I'll kill you with this, ya know." he says cockily.
I grit my teeth and crack both my knuckles as I rant.
"You fucking creep. It's just heat, I'll destroy you." I say with angry cockiness.
I punch him in the throat, as I retract my hand flames wash over me and stop immediately. The old man falls to his knees, gasping for air. It's a flamethrower, but I already won. I kick him in the face, he falls fully to the ground. Then I just apathetically stomp his face out for a bit until a neighbor comes crying.
"Please don't murder him, I have a child inside!" she screams miserably.
I roll my eyes and walk away. I just keep walking. In my head, I've embraced anarchy too hard. I say "Fuck it, keep walking." I keep walking and do another lap. He's there, getting healed. Bandages wrapped around his head now.
"So why are you attacking me?" I say angrily.
"Cause you're with the government. Pansy." Old Man says angrily.
I glare, and roundhouse kick him in the head. He falls unconscious after cracking his head on the ground. I do another lap. He's being carried away by his daughter and her friend that's my co-worker. My female co-worker turns to me, angry and confused.
"What happened to him? He got robbed of his leaf blower by a cop!" she says confusedly.
I shrug with a mischievous grin.
"I dunno, I just fought that old man cause he had a flamethrower. That thing wasn't what you thought it was. He's lucky he wasn't arrested." I say amusedly.
She smiles at me annoyedly.
"I'm ignoring that. Where did the cop go? That was my leaf blower." she says angrily.
I smile back, amused with a pretty woman admitting she owns a flamethrower.
"Flamethrower. And I dunno, I wasn't the cop. I was the beater." I say, smugly amused.
Wait. I glare intensely.
"Why are you helping him!?" I ask angrily.
"He's my grandpa, Jacob!" she snaps nervously.
I sigh angrily. Family clause. A family member shows up, karma is a bitch. You piss off a clan, and my build can be their build if they're smart. And there's more of them. And also if they're innocent and famous they can call the news and bitch on the news. I sigh again while they walk away because that thought process is always a bitch. I keep walking.
"Why can't you just be a pedophile and work with us?" Demon of Gluttony says bluntly.
I turn and see a fat fuck with a shotgun. I'm so filled with rage, he is a demon. He is all black with red eyes. It's a visual hack, it's gone within seconds and it's my friend Jimmy. A fat fuck with acne, short military buzzcut, wearing a gray jacket, white shirt, and black sweatpants. I start to cry a bit.
"What the fuck was that stupid shit you said to me?" I say miserably.
"Alright Jacob, card game theorist time. Think like a combat analyst like you did before. Your thought process is wrong. There's a better build than yours." Jimmy says cockily.
His fat throat makes his voice sound like a tuba. And I hate him intensely for what he said cause it's fucking r!@#$%^.
"Bitch, I'm a somewhat fit martial artist. I'm not even one of the best, and I'll beat any pedophile." I say angrily.
I stomp towards him and then it happens. Their god damn moisture music bomb. Moisture amplifies sound. He plays a song called Blood Pressure. Watch out for them. The sound fucks with your blood pressure.
But ya know what Hal says? Willpower overpowers everything. I approach him through the strange feeling of surprisingly my throat tightening. Then I punch him in the throat. Take his phone as he squirms himself, and turn off the song with a single button press cause he's both smart and dumb. It's an intriguing situation, leaving the hack's screen on. It's two steps if you turn off the screen. Only one if you're lucky and it's on.
Then it begins for real. He throws powder in my face, I ignore it and box him up.
"You can't kill me, you're already out." Jimmy says cockily.
I just keep fucking raging. Until I pass out on the street. And Jimmy is still there. And I'm alive. But was drugged up for a bit. I glare at him cause my butt itches.
"F!@#$%." I say angrily.
I stand up, and he gets tense immediately.
"You should be paralyzed." he says nervously.
I sigh angrily, realizing this means through life's bullshit-
"CRAAAAABBBBB! I'M POISON RESISTANT CAUSE CRAB BUILD BITCH, WE EVOLVE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT!" I scream viciously.
"Dude, how many times have you been drugged and raped? Those were elephant tranquilizers and you were out for five minutes." he says fearfully.
I am genuinely confused and impressed with myself for that. Enough to falter in beating his ass for a few seconds. Then he does something insane. He roller skates away fast as shit. I check the car he was standing by, it's locked.
"Not my car, Jacob." Jimmy says cockily.
I turn and sigh angrily. I run after him, he moves too fast. I analyze life and sigh. Something like jetboots from videogames. Is he Shadow the Fasthog? Who the fuck cares? I look around and sigh. The build could be bullshit. Let's test a basic hack from the past when I dealt with fast skates before. I step onto the grass, over a curb. And glare at Jimmy. He begins to theorize hard and cry.
"You've dealt with this build?" he says miserably.
I laugh like the Joker and roast his shit.
"YOU FAT FUCK, YOU CAN'T EVEN STEP OVER THREE INCHES OF CONCRETE IN THOSE SHOES! THEY BETTER HAVE AN ENGINE IN THEM, OR YOU'RE THE FATTEST FUCK I'VE EVER MET!"
He smirks cockily.
"Funny you say that. There is. In both of them." he says.
I tilt my head and frown with rage. Then analyze the situation.
"You can't fight me as well in this grass. Do you have a gun?" I ask calmly.
This is how a theory battle starts when your build is trash. Real killers would kill each other if their weapon wasn't a robellardian machine of bullshit. Cause while they're powerful, many builds for fighters become videogame simulators. This man can't jump. It's a weakness. Play enough videogames where you can't jump. You can't step over curbs now. It's more fucked up.
He wheels away, crying with tears down his face. I walk home on the cement cause I'm bored and depressed with life. He can't beat me, and I can't catch-
Car. Car car car car, I'm running. Sprinting. I reach my car, and my roommate is there with a gun. I am so excited and he's such a fucking loser I just throat punch him, get in my car, and start trying to run his brother over like a GANGSTER WITH NOTHING TO LOSE!
I drive over people's yards to catch up as he's on the streets. My fender hits the street, but I land it, and drive on the sidewalk. He cries and drives faster. I drive faster. He takes a sharp right and wipes out. I try running him over with my car. And hit him like a fat brick.
Then step out to gloat until he's still alive and squirming cause he's having a seizure. I sigh sadly.
"So you were serious with how your build can survive getting hit by a car?" I say sadly.
"Yeah, I did that. Holy shit, I did." he says happily.
I hate it so much, I start stomping the shit out of him. But there's a problem. I'm in front of a gas station. His dad is there with Jimmy's brothers, and my roommate now. Who is also his brother. I sigh angrily.
"Family gang. Great. And I just did an attempted murder. Greaattttt." I say annoyedly.
Theory crafting is a bitch indeed. Five fat fucking men, three women who are also fat. But do they all have- AH, THEY RUN UP TOO FAST, THEY'RE ALL ON SKATES! I RUN INTO TRAFFIC!
Surprisingly, it saves my life. Literally. They didn't cross the road cause there's too many cars. Oh, and there's two curbs. Hilarious. I kefka laugh it up cause fuck it, life is a stupid board game now. We're in a battle for our lives, reader. Watch me tango.
Fun facts. Thinking of life like a videogame where you're the ultimate weapon is sweet. And we live in Capitalism. In front of a gas station. And I have a lighter in my pocket. I pat my right pocket to confirm. I search it thoroughly, it's real. I grin with malicious glee.
Win condition against the pedophile family. Burn them with gasoline cause fuck these fat fucks, am I right?