Chapter 8: The One Where Nana Dies Twice
Ross Geller was not having a good day. His Nana had died. Well, technically, she had died twice. The first time, she had died at home. The second time, she had died at the hospital, after being brought back to life by a team of doctors.
"She died twice. My Nana. Died twice. Is that even possible? Is that a thing that happens? Is she… a vampire? A zombie? No, no, she's just… dead. Again. And now I have to go to her funeral. And I have to be the sad son. The grieving grandson. The guy who has to carry the casket. And what if I drop it? What if I trip? What if I accidentally… throw it? Oh God, I'm going to be the guy who threw the casket. The guy who threw the casket of his twice-dead grandmother. This is the worst day of my life."
He was sitting in the hospital waiting room, his head in his hands. Monica was next to him, her eyes red, but her face was a mask of cold fury. "I can't believe this. I can't believe she died again. And I can't believe they wouldn't let me… organize the death scene. It was a mess! The flowers were all wrong, the bedsheets were… a disgrace. I mean, they were a nice shade of white, but they were… wrinkled. WRINKLED!"
Just then, Adam came in, a rare look of sincerity on his face. He sat down next to Ross. "Hey, man. I'm really sorry about your Nana. She was… a good lady. She was a woman who died twice. That's a good story. You'll be telling that one for years. You'll be at parties, and you'll say, 'My Nana died twice,' and everyone will just… be speechless. It's a great conversation starter."
Ross just shook his head. "I don't want to tell that story, Adam. I just want her to be… alive. Or just… dead once." He then looked over at Monica, who was still staring at the wall. "What are you doing?"
"I'm just… assessing the situation," she said, her voice tight with rage. "That stain is a disgrace. And the flowers! The flowers are all wrong! The florist clearly doesn't understand the true meaning of grief! They're all… yellow. Yellow is for… happiness. Not for a twice-dead grandmother."
Adam's mind whirred. "Okay, Mr. Omniscient Dating System. This is a tough one. Ross is grieving. And I want to show my support. As a joke, and only as a joke, because I know this is a delicate situation, how do I comfort him with Monica Bellucci at the funeral?"
[Bring Monica Bellucci to the funeral of Ross's grandmother, November 15, 1994. Present her with a single rose and say: 'This rose is for you, a flower of beauty and sympathy.']
Adam's eyes widened slightly. "A funeral with Monica Bellucci. This is the ultimate prank. But also… a really nice gesture. The System knows how to play both sides of the coin. And I can get Monica with a revenge prank." He looked at Monica, who was still staring at the wall. He had a plan. A small, subtle plan. When she wasn't looking, he snuck into her bag and hid her funeral flowers.
Later, at the funeral, Ross was standing next to his Nana's casket, a tear rolling down his cheek. He was holding himself together, barely. Just then, a vision in black walked in. It was Monica Bellucci. She was stunning. She walked up to Adam, who was standing in the back, and he handed her a single rose.
"This rose is for you, a flower of beauty and sympathy," he said, a small, sincere smile on his face.
Bellucci's face softened. She then walked over to Ross and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I am so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful woman."
Ross, a man who was already emotional, just started to cry even harder. But this time, they were tears of… gratitude. "Thank you," he choked out. "Thank you so much. You're… you're Monica Bellucci. You're at my grandmother's funeral. My twice-dead grandmother's funeral."
Monica, meanwhile, was in a full-blown panic. She had been searching for her flowers for the entire funeral. "Where are they?! I had them right here! I had them perfectly arranged! Where are my flowers?!"
Adam, meanwhile, was just standing in the back, a small, knowing smirk on his face. He looked at Chandler, who was trying to get Rachel's attention. "Dude, what are you doing?"
"I'm just… trying to figure out what to say to her. I mean, my Nana just died. Is this an appropriate time to ask her out? Or is it a really good time to ask her out? I don't know! I can't read the room! This is a social landmine!"
Phoebe, meanwhile, was sitting in the front, humming a song. A very somber, but also kind of cheerful, song. "Nana's in the ground now, Nana's in the ground. Nana's dead now, she's not around. Nana's gone now, Nana's gone now…"
The group, of course, was in hysterics. Even Ross, who was grieving, had to stifle a laugh. This was a funeral. But it was their funeral. And that made all the difference.
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