Chapter 14: The One with the Monkey
Place Change: Ross's Apartment, February 20, 1995 (POV: Adam Stields)
Adam Stields was a man who loved chaos. He loved the chaos of a prank, the chaos of a new romance, the chaos of a new life. And today, he was about to witness the ultimate chaos: a monkey. A monkey that belonged to his friend, Ross. A monkey that was causing a lot of chaos. A lot of very, very funny chaos.
He was in Ross's apartment, watching as Marcel, the monkey, wreaked havoc. Ross was in a full-blown panic.
"What if something goes wrong?" he shrieked. "What if something goes wrong? What if the monkey… eats my diploma?! What if the monkey… eats my research?! What if the monkey… eats me?! Oh God, I'm going to be eaten by a monkey! A very, very cute, very, very hairy monkey!"
Adam, meanwhile, was in a corner, a small, amused smile on his face. "Alright, Mr. Omniscient Dating System. The monkey is a disaster. I need to make some progress. How do I impress Monica Bellucci at a charity event?"
[SYSTEM: ATTEND A CHARITY GALA WITH MONICA BELLUCCI, FEBRUARY 20, 1995. BID ON AN ITEM SHE LIKES.]
Adam's eyes widened slightly. "A charity gala. Perfect. A little bit of philanthropy, a little bit of charm, a little bit of… a prank." He then discreetly reached over and, in one smooth motion, swapped Monica's sugar with salt. He then grinned, waiting for the chaos.
Place Change: Central Perk, February 21, 1995 (POV: Ross Geller)
The air in Central Perk was thick with the scent of coffee, muffins, and a whole lot of venting. Ross Geller, a whirlwind of nervous energy, was clutching a coffee cup in his hands, his knuckles white. He was trying to explain his monkey struggles to a very, very confused Phoebe.
"I just… I just don't know what to do! The monkey is a monster! He's a monster who wears a beautiful dress! He's a monster who wears a beautiful dress and he just… he just looks at me and he just… he just says, 'Fix it!' And I don't know how to fix it! I don't know how to fix it!" Ross's voice was high and tight, and he was gesticulating wildly, almost knocking over a small pile of muffins on the counter.
Phoebe, ever the eccentric, offered her support in the only way she knew how. "Ross, don't worry about it. The monkey is not the thing. The thing is… the thing! The thing is you! And you are beautiful! And you have a beautiful soul! And… and you're wearing a beautiful sweater! A beautiful, beautiful sweater!" Phoebe then took a deep breath and looked Ross in the eye. "And if he says, 'Fix it,' just tell him that the thing is not broken. The thing is a metaphor for the human condition. The monkey is a metaphor for our dreams. The bananas are a metaphor for our… our lives. Our very, very regular lives."
Adam, meanwhile, was sharing his gala plan with the group. "I'm going to a charity gala. A friend of mine has a new project out, and I just want to show my support."
Chandler, ever the mocker, just shook his head. "A charity gala? Adam, you're not a charity gala guy. You're a… a prank guy. You're a guy who puts salt in other people's sugar. You're not a guy who goes to fancy parties. The only fancy party you've ever been to is… a birthday party for a hamster. And you just ate a carrot with your hands. With your hands!"
Just then, Rachel, who had been listening intently, just stuttered, "M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? Y-you're going to a charity gala with M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? The supermodel? The actress? The… the goddess?! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She then, of course, dropped her tray all over herself, which was a fitting end to a very, very chaotic scene.
Time Change: The Charity Gala, February 20, 1995 (POV: Adam Stields)
The charity gala was a blur of flashing lights, beautiful people, and the scent of expensive perfume. Adam Stields, a man who was used to the chaos of a sitcom, was a man who was now a part of the elegant, professional chaos of a charity gala. He was wearing a tuxedo. A tuxedo that he had bought with his System money. A tuxedo that he was not going to be able to return.
He was standing next to Monica Bellucci, a woman who was, in fact, more beautiful in person than she was on the screen. She was wearing a beautiful dress. A dress that was a metaphor for… everything.
"Adam," she said, her voice a low, melodic purr. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me."
"Of course," he said, a small, sincere smile on his face. "I'm a big fan of your work. Your performance in this film was… it was a masterpiece. A masterpiece of… acting. A masterpiece of… beauty. A masterpiece of… everything."
Bellucci just smiled. "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say."
The charity gala was a beautiful, beautiful thing. And then… and then it was over. And then it was time for… the prank. The prank that was a part of the plan. The prank that was going to make Monica so, so mad.
Place Change: Monica's Apartment, February 21, 1995 (POV: Monica Geller)
The air in Monica's apartment was a comfortable, familiar mess, a stark contrast to the high-pressure world of Rachel's new job. Monica, however, was in a good mood. A really, really good mood. She had just gotten off the phone with her boss, and she had gotten a positive review. A real, honest-to-god positive review.
"Okay, Monica. Breathe. You can do this. You are a professional. You are a fashion executive. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are a… a success. You are a success in a beautiful dress. You are a success who is going to get a raise. And then you're going to buy a new dress. A new, even more beautiful dress."
She was sitting on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hands, a small, happy smile on her face. Ross, who was still moping about Rachel, came in, a small, patronizing smile on his face. "Hey, Monica. I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job. A really great job. But you know, it's not really a job, it's a… a career. A real job. A job that a man would do. And I know a lot about… jobs. I know a lot about… everything. So if you need any advice, just ask me. I'm an expert on everything."
Monica just looked at him with a mixture of gratitude and pure, unadulterated rage. "Thanks, Ross. But I'm good. I'm… I'm good. I'm… a success. But a good success."
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