Chapter 12: The One with the Job and the Prank
Place Change: Rachel's new office, January 15, 1995 (POV: Rachel Green)
Rachel Green was a woman who was living a lie. She was a fashion executive. She was a professional. She was a woman who was supposed to know the difference between a high-waisted pant and a… a regular-waisted pant. But she didn't. She didn't know the difference. She just… wore the pants. And today, she was going to be found out. Today, she was going to be exposed as a fraud. Today, she was going to be fired.
She was in her office, a small, tiny office that was mostly just a desk, a chair, and a lot of papers. She had a boss who was… a woman. A woman who was not a fan of her. A woman who was a fan of… perfection.
"Rachel," her boss said, her voice a low, dangerous growl. "This report is a mess. The font is wrong. The margins are wrong. The… the content is wrong. It's all wrong. You have to fix it. And you have to fix it now. Or else…"
Rachel, a woman on the edge, just nodded. "Yes, ma'am. I'll fix it. I'll fix it now. I'll fix it with my… my hands. And my… my brain. My very, very, very small brain."
Just then, Ross, who was still moping about Rachel, came in, a small, patronizing smile on his face. "Hey, Rach. I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job. A really great job. But you know, it's not really a job, it's a… a career. A real job. A job that a man would do. And I know a lot about… jobs. I know a lot about… everything. So if you need any advice, just ask me. I'm an expert on everything."
Rachel just looked at him with a mixture of gratitude and pure, unadulterated rage. "Thanks, Ross. But I'm good. I'm… I'm good. I'm… a disaster. But a good disaster."
Adam, meanwhile, was in a corner, a small, amused smile on his face. "Alright, Mr. Omniscient Dating System. Rachel's job is a disaster. I need to make some progress. How do I support Monica Bellucci's latest project without being a creep?"
[SYSTEM: ATTEND MONICA BELLUCCI'S FILM PREMIERE, JANUARY 15, 1995. COMPLIMENT HER PERFORMANCE.]
Adam's eyes widened slightly. "A film premiere. Perfect. A little bit of professional charm, a little bit of… a prank." He then discreetly reached over and, in one smooth motion, swapped Monica's coffee beans with decaf. He then grinned, waiting for the chaos.
Place Change: Central Perk, January 16, 1995 (POV: Phoebe Buffay)
The air in Central Perk was thick with the scent of coffee, muffins, and a whole lot of venting. Rachel Green, a whirlwind of nervous energy, was clutching a coffee cup in her hands, her knuckles white. She was trying to explain her job struggles to a very, very confused Phoebe.
"I just… I just don't know what to do! My boss is a monster! She's a monster who wears a beautiful dress! She's a monster who wears a beautiful dress and she just… she just looks at me and she just… she just says, 'Fix it!' And I don't know how to fix it! I don't know how to fix it!" Rachel's voice was high and tight, and she was gesticulating wildly, almost knocking over a small pile of muffins on the counter.
Phoebe, ever the eccentric, offered her support in the only way she knew how. "Rachel, don't worry about it. The job is not the thing. The thing is… the thing! The thing is you! And you are beautiful! And you have a beautiful soul! And… and you're wearing a beautiful dress! A beautiful, beautiful dress!" Phoebe then took a deep breath and looked Rachel in the eye. "And if she says, 'Fix it,' just tell her that the thing is not broken. The thing is a metaphor for the human condition. The report is a metaphor for our dreams. The fonts are a metaphor for our… our lives. Our very, very regular lives." Phoebe then started to sing a song. A very, very weird song. "Work, work, work is for the birds. Work, work, work is for the words. The words that you say when you work. The words that you say when you're a jerk…"
Adam, meanwhile, was sharing his premiere plan with the group. "Wait, hold on a second. System, I have a new question. What's the optimal time for the premiere meetup? I don't want to seem too eager."
[SYSTEM: OPTIMAL TIME IS 8:00 PM. MONICA BELLUCCI WILL BE WALKING THE RED CARPET.]
"I'm going to a film premiere," Adam said, a casual shrug of his shoulders. "A friend of mine has a new movie out, and I just want to show my support."
Chandler, ever the mocker, just shook his head. "A film premiere? Adam, you're not a film guy. You're a… a prank guy. You're a guy who puts decaf in other people's coffee beans. You're not a guy who watches movies. The only movie you've ever watched is a movie about a guy who has a dating system."
Just then, Rachel, who had been listening intently, just stuttered, "M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? Y-you're going to a premiere with M-M-M-Monica Bellucci? The supermodel? The actress? The… the goddess?! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" She then, of course, dropped her tray all over herself, which was a fitting end to a very, very chaotic scene.
Time Change: The Film Premiere, January 15, 1995 (POV: Adam Stields)
The film premiere was a blur of flashing lights, beautiful people, and the scent of expensive perfume. Adam Stields, a man who was used to the chaos of a sitcom, was a man who was now a part of the elegant, professional chaos of a film premiere. He was wearing a tuxedo. A tuxedo that he had bought with his System money. A tuxedo that he was not going to be able to return.
He was standing next to Monica Bellucci, a woman who was, in fact, more beautiful in person than she was on the screen. She was wearing a beautiful dress. A dress that was a metaphor for… everything.
"Adam," she said, her voice a low, melodic purr. "Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me."
"Of course," he said, a small, sincere smile on his face. "I'm a big fan of your work. Your performance in this film was… it was a masterpiece. A masterpiece of… acting. A masterpiece of… beauty. A masterpiece of… everything."
Bellucci just smiled. "Thank you. That's very kind of you to say."
The film premiere was a beautiful, beautiful thing. And then… and then it was over. And then it was time for… the prank. The prank that was a part of the plan. The prank that was going to make Monica so, so mad.
Place Change: Monica's Apartment, January 16, 1995 (POV: Rachel Green)
The air in Monica's apartment was a comfortable, familiar mess, a stark contrast to the high-pressure world of Rachel's new job. Rachel, however, was in a good mood. A really, really good mood. She had just gotten off the phone with her boss, and she had gotten a positive review. A real, honest-to-god positive review.
"Okay, Rachel. Breathe. You can do this. You are a professional. You are a fashion executive. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are not a waitress. You are a… a success. You are a success in a beautiful dress. You are a success who is going to get a raise. And then you're going to buy a new dress. A new, even more beautiful dress."
She was sitting on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hands, a small, happy smile on her face. Ross, who was still moping about Rachel, came in, a small, patronizing smile on his face. "Hey, Rach. I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job. A really great job. But you know, it's not really a job, it's a… a career. A real job. A job that a man would do. And I know a lot about… jobs. I know a lot about… everything. So if you need any advice, just ask me. I'm an expert on everything."
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