Do you believe in god?
There was a time when people had religion and believed in God. They believed that problems beyond human power were the will of God, and that the entire universe revolved around the Earth. They thought that unreachable place in the sky—connected to the heavens— was where God lived. Every day, they worshipped Him and offered their wishes. Whenever a disaster struck, they begged God for help.
But God was selfish.
He only helped people or granted their wishes when He felt like it. Or maybe... God never existed, and everything that happened was pure coincidence. Even if He did exist, most people eventually forgot Him, lost their faith. Just like I did.
I lost my faith in God at a very young age.
If He were truly the merciful one just like described in the books, the one who punished the wicked, then He would've helped me. He would've saved me. But He didn't. He left me all alone in the middle of the nothingness. So I stopped believing in Him—and I never understood the people who still did.
No one can help a person but themselves. As long as you expect something from someone else, you're doomed to sink even deeper into the swamp you're trying to escape. I kept thinking someone would come and save me from that swamp, so I waited. And the more I waited, the deeper I sank.
When I finally understood that no one was coming, I grabbed onto the thorns and vines around me and pulled myself out. But I could never wash off the mud of that swamp. No matter where I went, no matter what I did–it always followed me. It never left me. So I learned to live with it. Or... maybe I just tried to learn.
I wasn't the only one covered in mud—others were too. But their mud wasn't on the outside; it was inside. In their hearts. That's why no one could easily see how dirty they truly were. People like me were humiliated and rejected in society because of them. I hated them as much as I hated myself. I was disgusted by their fake smiles, their lack of compassion,
their gazes. I wanted them all to die. I never believed in the existence of a "good person" in this world. Because good people didn't exist—only those who could hide their evil and filth did. That's why I hated everyone, including myself.
But then... He came.