[Narrator Voice, but also kind of me because I'm self-aware and tired]
So... yeah.I accidentally destroyed six countries today.
To be fair, only five of them were real. The sixth was a Minecraft server. Still counts.
Anyway.
Hi. I'm the guy they call:
Boom the Psycho.
But please. That's not my actual name.Today, I go by:
xX_EmoRizzlerOfDestruction_Xx(All caps. Underscore required. Respect the brand.)
Yesterday it was "Lord Boomquavious the Moist."Day before that? "DripDaddy69."I'm rebranding harder than Twitter after Elon.
But no matter what I call myself, everyone just goes:
"Shut up, Boom."
Like it's my fault everything explodes when I sneeze.
So here's how it happened.
I was walking through the Kingdom of Wibbleton (don't ask), just vibing. Trying to keep a low profile. Wearing a hoodie.You know — real mysterious anime MC energy.
Then I saw it.
A bandit grabbing a grandma's purse.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
"Boom, don't. You know what happened last time you tried to help."
BUT I WAS CAREFUL THIS TIME.
I swear.I just reached out my pinky finger. Just a lil tap. Just a lil boop. A lil "✨justice✨."
...
And then the entire kingdom disintegrated.
Like, poof. Gone.Castle? Dust. Mountains? Confetti. Grandma? Probably in orbit.
"BOOOOOOMMMM!!!"The King screamed from somewhere under the rubble.
"YOU SAID YOU'D BE GENTLE!"
"I was!!" I yelled back."I used only 0.00000000001% of my power!"(Okay maybe it was 0.0002%, but I was stressed.)
Cut to 10 minutes later:I'm banned from yet another country.They even added my name to the Forbidden Magic Words list.Next to "abracadabra" and "NFTs."
So I sat on a rock, sighing like a sad anime boy.Hair blowing in the wind. Shirt slightly open. Single dramatic tear.
"Why... can't I just help people... without turning them into modern art?"
Then a little kid walked by.
"Hey, aren't you Boom the Psycho?"
"NO, I'm BigBangDaddy_SigmaXL today. Respect the identity."
The kid blinked.Then he threw a tomato at me.
It exploded into a black hole.The moon got slightly dented.
By the way — I'm the only person immune to my power.I've tried ending myself dozens of times.
Jumped into a volcano? Volcano caught fire.
Swallowed a black hole? Tasted like grapes.
Got hit by a truck? Truck exploded. I got a parking ticket.
Honestly, it's getting ridiculous.Therapist fired me because her house melted.
Anyway.
I guess I should tell you a bit about my origin story, huh?
Well.
There isn't one.
I just woke up one day in a crater the size of Canada, wearing sunglasses and a nametag that said:
"Hi, I'm Boom. Please don't scream."
That was 6 years ago. Or maybe 600. Time's weird when the laws of physics fear you.
Now I just wander around, trying to help.But helping always turns into:
Accidental continent removal
Forest fires on Mars
Dog exploded once. I cried for 3 days.
So yeah.
I'm not a hero.I'm not a villain either.I'm just...
Boom.
The walking oopsie.
The human natural disaster.
The reason God updates the universe firmware weekly.
And if you're reading this right now?
Run.
Because I just tripped and accidentally uninstalled gravity again.