Current Alias:Dark Lord Cloutimus Prime, Cancelled Champion of Catastrophe, Ex-Influencer of the Apocalypse
So.
Someone made a documentary about me.
You'd think it'd be some respectful, "he's misunderstood, please don't blame him for vaporizing Jupiter" kind of thing, right?
Wrong.
It was titled:
"BOOM: Galaxy-Ender, TikTok Dancer, And Alleged Wife Collector."
It aired on every channel, streaming service, and some guy's forehead in a cyberpunk market.
🎥 Act 1: The Trailer That Traumatized the Universe
The trailer opened with slow piano music.
My face faded in... on fire.
Narrator Voice:
"He said he just wanted to help…"
Boom waving politely, a planet explodes in the background.
"…but help never looked this deadly."
Cut to black.
Text appears:
"Based on true, horrifying, stupid events."
Then they show me sneezing... and erasing the Moon.
Again.
I haven't even gotten that bill yet.
🧠 Act 2: The Propaganda Film of Doom
So I watched the whole thing.
Big mistake.
They got Morgan Space-Freeman to narrate.
They made me sound like a Greek tragedy wrapped in nuclear waste.
They even added fake dramatic quotes like:
"I didn't choose the boom life. The boom life chose to disintegrate everything I love."
I NEVER SAID THAT, BRO.
They edited in footage of me crying over a spilled burrito and made it look like I was mourning a fallen kingdom.
They had a reenactment of me accidentally marrying an alien jellyfish.
It was played by a CGI Jello cup.AND THE JELLO HAD MORE EMOTIONAL DEPTH THAN ME.
Then they cut to interviews:
👽 Hugonian Queen:
"Boom was my husband for 3 minutes. Best 3 minutes of my life. And worst. He destroyed time itself."
🧑🚀 Galactic Soldier #43:
"He tried to save my dog. My dog is now a constellation."
💀 A skeleton in sunglasses:
"He flossed so hard I reincarnated."
😭 Act 3: Boom Gets Cancelled
Midway through the broadcast, the galaxy started tweeting.
Yeah. Interstellar Twitter is real.It's called XenoX.
I started trending.
#BoomIsOverParty
#ApologizeToSaturn
#RizzTooPowerful
One alien influencer posted:
"He destroyed my planet and my relationship in the same week. Still kinda hot tho."
And then…
Reader.
You.
Yeah, YOU. Sitting there like:
"Haha Boom bad 😹💀."
Bruh.You read this whole thing while eating cold noodles with a fork bent at a 45-degree angle and still have the audacity to judge me?
You laughed when I obliterated a planet sneezing.You clapped when I ended a war with the gritty.
But now that a fake documentary paints me as the villain?SUDDENLY YOU GOT MORALS?
You're literally unemployed, giggling at my pain, and your phone's at 3%.
Go charge it.
And you, Author.
I see what you're doing.
You think this is character development?
THIS IS CHARACTER DESTRUCTION.You turned me into the galactic equivalent of Kanye's Twitter phase.
What's next?You gonna give me a redemption arc where I adopt a planet and raise it as my son?
(Wait... kinda fire, actually.)
💥 Boom's Reaction Live Stream
I went live on BoomTube to defend myself.
Tried to say:
"That film misrepresented me."
But I sneezed again.
The stream ended.The moon exploded.Again.
📢 Reader Comments:
💬 "Boom got more screen time than my dad ever gave me."
💬 "This chapter cured my depression and gave it back in 4 minutes."
💬 "The Jello love story had better chemistry than my last 4 exes."
💬 "I read this at a funeral. Got kicked out. Worth it."
💬 "Not me crying over Boom's emotional support burrito."