Life is full of regrets.
Some people regret not chasing their dreams.
Some regret not confessing to their crush.
Others… regret world wars, heartbreak, or stock investments.
Me? I regretted the bottle of lotion sitting on the floor.
It all started on a Friday night. The sacred hour of degenerates.
No school. No work. No purpose.
Just me, Kazuki Tanaka, a semi-functioning 18-year-old with a half-dead laptop, a questionable internet history, and a firm commitment to "research."
You know… the kind of research that doesn't go on a résumé.
I was deep in the rabbit hole... the kind of internet tunnel where you forget what sunlight is. My headphones were on, my browser had 47 tabs open, and my soul was already halfway to damnation.
They say curiosity killed the cat.
Well, in my case, curiosity, a slippery floor, and one poorly timed celebratory stretch killed the gooner.
After a job well done — ahem — I stood up like a triumphant gladiator.
Sweat glistening. Legs weak. Eyes hollow but victorious.
I had faced my demons and emerged... temporarily satisfied.
That's when my foot made contact with The Bottle.
It didn't just tip over, it slid.
A swift, mocking slide, as if the lotion itself was alive and conspiring against me.
I panicked.
Arms flailed like a ragdoll tossed into a hurricane.
I stumbled backward in glorious 240fps anime slow-motion.
My heel hit the edge of my rug.
My back twisted like a ballerina mid-performance.
And then — BANG!
My skull smacked the corner of my desk with a dull, brain-rattling thunk.
The force flipped me sideways like a soggy pancake.
I hit the hardwood floor neck-first, and everything went dark.
Instant. Game. Over.
When I opened my eyes, I expected a hospital ceiling. Maybe a blurry nurse.
Instead, I saw nothing.
White. Endless, blinding white.
It wasn't cold. Or warm. It just... was.
A soft, glowing nothingness — like standing inside a blank Google Doc.
It felt peaceful. Calming. The kind of space where monks probably respawn.
It was also terrifying.
I looked down. I had no wounds. No clothes. Just a strange glowing mist covering me like budget censorship.
And then—
"Yo."
The voice came from behind me — casual, playful, and disturbingly attractive.
I turned.
There she was.
Floating. Glowing. Dangerous.
She didn't have wings. No halo. But her presence screamed divine.
Her silver hair shimmered like moonlight on a lake.
Her dress sparkled with tiny constellations. And her figure… my God. Her figure was a threat to world peace.
Even without context, I dropped to my knees like a medieval simp.
"Forgive me, Goddess!" I cried. "I died stupidly! Please… let me reincarnate as something cool! A dragon! Or a rock! I'll take rock at this point!"
She giggled.
Not a sweet, angelic giggle.
No it was the "You're so screwed and I love it" kind of giggle.
The giggle of a woman who knew exactly how many embarrassing Google searches I had.
"You, Kazuki Tanaka," she said, drifting down until she hovered inches above my face, "have been chosen by the Great Cosmic Forces of Chaos."
I gulped.
"Is that… good?"
"Good?" Her smile stretched wider. "No."
She leaned forward, eyes glinting.
"But entertaining? Absolutely."
She reached out, tapping my forehead with one long, manicured finger.
[DING!]
A digital chime echoed through the void.
A blue screen popped up in midair like a Windows XP notification from hell.
[The Gooner System has been installed.]
Welcome, Kazuki Tanaka!
Your new life begins now!
🔹 Complete Ecchi Quests to Level Up!
🔹 Flirt, kiss, and (maybe) more to grow stronger!
🔹 WARNING: Falling in genuine love will reset your level to 1. Stay degenerate!
First Quest:
➡ Steal a maiden's first kiss!
Reward: +10 Vitality
I blinked.
I stared at the screen.
Then at the goddess.
Then back at the screen.
"...You're joking," I said flatly.
"Nope!" she said, grinning like a demon who just found a new plaything.
"Every great hero needs motivation. Yours is…" she spun in midair, arms wide, "pleasure!"
"I didn't sign up for this!"
"Too bad. You were handpicked for maximum suffering."
She snapped her fingers. A swirling vortex appeared behind her — glowing blue and suspiciously shaped like a toilet bowl mid-flush.
"Now go forth, brave Gooner Hero!" she shouted.
"Make the gods proud… or at least make them laugh!"
Then she pushed me with one finger.
"NOOOOOOOO—"
[THUD.]
I landed face-first in a patch of dirt.
Birds chirped.
The sky was a pristine anime blue.
The air smelled like freshly baked bread, sunflowers, and freedom.
Somewhere in the distance, a cow mooed — probably judging me.
I groaned and sat up.
Gone were the divine lights and sexy goddesses.
Now it was just me, a pair of ragged shorts… and a stick.
A literal stick.
[Item Received: Useless Stick (Common)]
"…Great," I muttered. "I get isekai'd into Fantasyland and my starter pack is a boner stick and crushed dreams."
As I brushed dirt off my face, a familiar voice echoed in my skull:
[Quest Reminder: Steal a maiden's first kiss!]
"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled. "Degenerate tutorial mission. Got it."
Then I heard it, a very soft humming like a lullaby.
I turned my head slowly.
There, kneeling by a crystal-clear river, was a girl.
An actual girl.
Long blonde hair. Pointy ears. A white dress that fluttered in the breeze like something out of a gacha pull.
She was humming gently, washing clothes in the water.
An elf.
A real, honest-to-God elf maiden.
[Quest Progress Opportunity Detected.]
My palms began sweating.
My heart rate doubled.
One part of my brain screamed, "NO. THIS IS WRONG. RESPECT WOMEN."
The other part , the part wired to the Gooner System, screamed, "YES BRO THIS IS DESTINY."
This was it.
My first quest.
My first step...
...into the most cursed adventure of all time.
I took a deep breath.
Gripped my useless stick.
And began my slow, awkward march toward destiny — one shameful, legendary step at a time.